Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Maybe I'm getting worked up over nothing; I'm really not sure... I guess I just need someone to either tell me that I should be worried or why I shouldn't.
So, it was late May of 2010 when I was abused on three different occasions by a man six years older than me. After that one weekend -- it was three times in a row on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday -- I never saw him again, yet he and I continued to have conversations over the phone for months following, during which times I was horribly uncomfortable. I never liked any of the things he told me or made me do on the phone with him. At the time, I didn't know that what he had done was sexual abuse. All I knew was that I was a whore for it, I was utterly ashamed and consumed in self-hatred, and I was in deep denial, trying to mask it all by convincing myself that I was in love with him.
December of 2010 was when I came to the harsh, sudden realization of what had really happened. I told my therapist, and she told my parents for me. To be honest, although I do recognize it as abuse, now, I still see it as my fault. I don't think he ever knew how horrified I was, or how much it hurt. But, then again... I'd pull on his wrist and squeeze my eyes shut and try desperately to tell him stop without using words, and he never even seemed to notice... I don't know. I really don't.
But, anyway. I came to yet another petrifying revelation, today. I couldn't tell you how many times I've gone over and over in my head about what happened that weekend. I'm not sure why today was any different... The first evening we spent together, I took ecstasy for the first time. He was a close friend and I asked if he would babysit me, because I was nervous. From what I remember, nothing particularly bad happened, that night. He touched me a lot and kissed me, but he only went as far as second base.
However, a long-lost memory presented itself to me, earlier this day. I remember that it was very cold, that night, and we spent a good five hours roaming downtown, searching for things to do and places to keep warm. I remember most, if not all of what happened. The drugs didn't make me just blackout on everything... I remember that we went to the parking garage late at night. We went up to the top floor, because it was warm inside of the elevator... But, I remember absolutely nothing that happened after that. My mind goes completely blank. I remember the elevator ride up, and then my mind instantly skips ahead to a whole new scene. I don't even recall leaving the parking structure.
I have the sickest feeling that something happened in that parking garage. I don't even know how long this memory -- or, lack thereof -- lasts. We could have been up there for minutes, we could have been up there for hours... Come to think of it, everything else I remember doesn't seem to fill the expanse of five hours at all. Maybe we were up there for awhile...
I also feel like I could just be acting paranoid... I have no idea what to think. Supressed memory, or just a blackout caused by ecstasy -- which, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't normally cause memory loss... Does it?
And FYI, I'm never touching that stuff again. Not any drug. It's messed up... I was stupid and young.
So, it was late May of 2010 when I was abused on three different occasions by a man six years older than me. After that one weekend -- it was three times in a row on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday -- I never saw him again, yet he and I continued to have conversations over the phone for months following, during which times I was horribly uncomfortable. I never liked any of the things he told me or made me do on the phone with him. At the time, I didn't know that what he had done was sexual abuse. All I knew was that I was a whore for it, I was utterly ashamed and consumed in self-hatred, and I was in deep denial, trying to mask it all by convincing myself that I was in love with him.
December of 2010 was when I came to the harsh, sudden realization of what had really happened. I told my therapist, and she told my parents for me. To be honest, although I do recognize it as abuse, now, I still see it as my fault. I don't think he ever knew how horrified I was, or how much it hurt. But, then again... I'd pull on his wrist and squeeze my eyes shut and try desperately to tell him stop without using words, and he never even seemed to notice... I don't know. I really don't.
But, anyway. I came to yet another petrifying revelation, today. I couldn't tell you how many times I've gone over and over in my head about what happened that weekend. I'm not sure why today was any different... The first evening we spent together, I took ecstasy for the first time. He was a close friend and I asked if he would babysit me, because I was nervous. From what I remember, nothing particularly bad happened, that night. He touched me a lot and kissed me, but he only went as far as second base.
However, a long-lost memory presented itself to me, earlier this day. I remember that it was very cold, that night, and we spent a good five hours roaming downtown, searching for things to do and places to keep warm. I remember most, if not all of what happened. The drugs didn't make me just blackout on everything... I remember that we went to the parking garage late at night. We went up to the top floor, because it was warm inside of the elevator... But, I remember absolutely nothing that happened after that. My mind goes completely blank. I remember the elevator ride up, and then my mind instantly skips ahead to a whole new scene. I don't even recall leaving the parking structure.
I have the sickest feeling that something happened in that parking garage. I don't even know how long this memory -- or, lack thereof -- lasts. We could have been up there for minutes, we could have been up there for hours... Come to think of it, everything else I remember doesn't seem to fill the expanse of five hours at all. Maybe we were up there for awhile...
I also feel like I could just be acting paranoid... I have no idea what to think. Supressed memory, or just a blackout caused by ecstasy -- which, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't normally cause memory loss... Does it?
And FYI, I'm never touching that stuff again. Not any drug. It's messed up... I was stupid and young.
You were abused. Someone more powerful took advantage of you by luring you into taking a very powerful drug. You were told by someone that drug would make your life better if you took some. You bellieved them, but they lied to you.
You were not at fault. What happened to you was abuse and rape. If your parents want, they can file charges against the perpetrator. The lawws state clearly you were too young for any and every kind of sexual activity. Even if you had not been be drugged, legally, you are too young to give what is called informed consent. As the matter of fact even if you had shouted yes, it would still have been abuse because you did not at that time have the life experience and life knowledge to be 'informed'.
Even if you never said no, nor implied it, you were still a victim because legally and morally, you could not say yes. I would guess that 99.999% of all 20-21 year old boys would know that a female, 14 or 15 cannot legally have sex with someone their age..
Even if you had told the partner you were older, you would still have been a victim because legally and morally, it is up to the older and more powerful person to make sure you were legally able to select a much older sexual partner, male or female.
However, you will still feel guilty about it being your fault. We all do. even if we, like you, were clearly victims. No one has been able to successfully explain the why of that to me, but it just is.
Here is how I handle that situation. I don't beat up on myself today, about decisions I have made in my past because in the mean time, my knowledge of the universe has increased.
All things being equal, there is no chance I would make that same decision if I were presented with the situation today. Like yoou, I made mistakes and I learned from them. I cannot change my history. I cannot predict tomorrow. I can only do what I believe in my heart is the right thing to do today.
Today, I judge myself based only on those actions I have taken so far today. .
I think you are very brave, wise beyond your years. This man is beyond evil for doing that to you.
Unfortunately, when we are young, we are easy targets for evil perpetrators like this. Trust me, as I was married young to a man who put me through enormous amounts of abuse, including the sexual kind.
Please continue the counselling and consider talking to your parents about laying charges.
Be kind to yourself and remember - you cannot change the past, you can only change the hear, now and the future. Give yourself time to heal and in time it will get easier.
Take care and God bless.