Hey everyone, I'm new here.

I decided to join an online support group because although I had this experience years ago, it is still laying very heavy in mind and having a big impact in my day to-day-life. I thought that possibly connecting with others who have experienced similar, would help me to feel a bit of relief from the suffering.

I'm going into detail with my story, just to warn before and if anyone, reads this. 

Currently I am 20 years old, soon to be 21. In 2011 aged 13, going on 14, I began a new relationship with a boy who was only a year older than I was. Just after my 14th birthday, I lost my virginity to him. Looking back now, I feel as though that was the worst mistake I could ever make, and I often find myself wondering that if this had not happened, would things have ended up different and would my life have spiralled onto a different path? Then other times I think to myself that it was not me, rather the type of person that this boy was or who he had become.

I cannot remember where exactly the tables turned and things became this way, but this boy began to physically abuse me. There were several significant incidents. I went with a friend once to look at a college open evening and he did not like this. He was in complete control of me. He did not want me to go to college. I HAD to go to sixth form where he was, presumably so he could keep a very careful eye and watch over me. When I'd returned that night, he was absolutely livid. I'd met him outside my house and we began to argue. I remember it was raining that night. We were sat against a brick wall and me speaking back to him obviously hadn't sat right with him. Standing up for myself had landed me in trouble with him so many times before but I still did it every time, knowing full well it would end badly for myself. Obviously not liking what I'd had to say, or even that I'd had something at all to say back to him when I knew better, he lifted my head and smashed it back against the wall. I remember seeing a bright spark and briefly blacking out and screaming out in pain. He looked terrified that he'd even managed to do such a thing but it was done and boy did I feel it.

The abuse went on for about a year or so, I know it's not the longest time but it felt like the longest year or so of my life. Eventually I plucked up the courage to end the relationship and word quickly spread amongst people we both knew at school and around my family. 

Throughout this relationship I'd started self-harming and hurting myself, desperate to feel anything that wasn't the pain that he was inflicting upon me. 

A few months after this relationship had ended - let's face it, it had been over for a long time, I was just trapped and scared for my life to leave - I began a relationship with someone knew. A couple of months has passed with him and I was unbelievably happy and alas, it turned out to be too good to be true.

My ex had began to message me again and I thought that I was over everthing that had happened and that I was no longer scared of him, but this encounter had proved otherwise. He had naked photos of me still from when we were togeher and used this to blackmail me into meeting him. I probably should have done the clever thing and either contacted the police or disclosed the information to someone in my family or someone close to me but fear just completely filled me. He convinved me he just wanted to meet to talk and knowing him the way I did, something in me should have screamed out no and got someone involved, but I was afraid and embarrassed. I went to meet him one day and made an excuse to everyone as to where I was going, keep in mind that I was still with my boyfriend at this time.

We ended up walking back to him and we were just talking. This might be too much information, but it was the time for monthly mother nature visit at this point, so I felt iffy and disgusting. Everything was going fine and I was convinced that all he wanted after all was just to talk and I couldn't be more wrong. He began to ask me for sex and I told him no. I repeatedly told him no and he took this as an opportunity. To him, he was still in control. I was raped that day and that moment will forever be stuck in my head. 

Lately, I keep getting nightmares about it and extremely vivid flashbacks a lot more frequent than usual. I'm unsure as to whether this is a normal thing. I've never seen a professional following this incident and have only very recently disclosed it to my family. Maybe this is what is causing all those feelings and flashbacks to happen? I'll find myself zoning out a lot lately and it'll be the only thing I seem to think about. I'm having restless nights from the nightmares and I'm constantly feeling on edge like something is about to happen. Part of me is still anxious if he tries to get in touch with me again to try something else. I have him blocked on every form of social media but that won't stop him and it hasn't let him before. 

I don't even know if this was the right kind of thing to post on here but I felt like I had to get it out somewhere to someone who would understand.