Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have all types of confused about conflicted feelings. These things were wrong, and they're haunting me.
I'm 24 now, and these things happened between 8 and 16 but I'm still thinking about them. I keep telling myself to get over it, it's nothing compared to what other people experience. I just need to stop making it into a bigger deal than what it was.
What my relative did when I between 8 and 11 wasn't that bad anyways, just some touching, and forced kissing and fondling. What my teenage neighbor did, between 9 and 11, wasn't that big of a deal, penetration, but not real sex. I let him do it anyways. What my schoolmate tried to do when I was 15 wasn't that big of a deal, he wasn't really trying to force me, he was just playing around.
This isn't relevant, but I'm adding it because I need to get this off my chest at least once. I added something else to hate myself for, doing sexual things on the webcam for a 33 yr old man when I was 16. I felt like he was the only one who would love me, want me, and help me feel less depressed. He would marry me, even though there was nothing special about me, and I was worthless and nobody else would want me anyways. This is probably what I hate myself for the most.
I've hated myself and felt worthless, guilty and dirty because of this for this stuff since I was a kid. I'm so ashamed of it all. I knew all this stuff was wrong, but I didn't say anything to an adult. I wanted friends, and I wanted someone to love me and care about me.
I have a really hard time trusting people. I can only write this because it's on the internet and you guys don't know me in real life.
I'm 24 now, and these things happened between 8 and 16 but I'm still thinking about them. I keep telling myself to get over it, it's nothing compared to what other people experience. I just need to stop making it into a bigger deal than what it was.
What my relative did when I between 8 and 11 wasn't that bad anyways, just some touching, and forced kissing and fondling. What my teenage neighbor did, between 9 and 11, wasn't that big of a deal, penetration, but not real sex. I let him do it anyways. What my schoolmate tried to do when I was 15 wasn't that big of a deal, he wasn't really trying to force me, he was just playing around.
This isn't relevant, but I'm adding it because I need to get this off my chest at least once. I added something else to hate myself for, doing sexual things on the webcam for a 33 yr old man when I was 16. I felt like he was the only one who would love me, want me, and help me feel less depressed. He would marry me, even though there was nothing special about me, and I was worthless and nobody else would want me anyways. This is probably what I hate myself for the most.
I've hated myself and felt worthless, guilty and dirty because of this for this stuff since I was a kid. I'm so ashamed of it all. I knew all this stuff was wrong, but I didn't say anything to an adult. I wanted friends, and I wanted someone to love me and care about me.
I have a really hard time trusting people. I can only write this because it's on the internet and you guys don't know me in real life.
I also beat myself up for reacting or not reacting in a way I thought I should have with the guy who abused me. But in time I realized that it wasn't my fault - it was all his. He was the adult and I was a child. If your relative was an adult (or teenager) at the time he touched you, kissed you and fondled you, then that is abuse. You were a child. No child of 8 is looking to be kissed and fondled. It was not your fault.
I also did not tell an adult. Most children are threatened with something so they don't tell anyone what is happening. It's very likely that your relative did this as well.
Most important to remember is that it is not your fault. Your relative is to blame, not you.
There are lots of caring people on this forum who have been through what you are going through and understand. The support here is fantastic. Please keep talking to us.
Please remember that children are NEVER to blame for things that happen between them and adults. I keep reminding myself of that, and you should do the same.
What you did at sixteen was not evil, and no one was harmed. Teen-aged girls do things like that, it's a time of life when judgement skills have not yet matured. Beating yourself up about it is all wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Don't keep punishing yourself, be kind to yourself. I was full of self-hatred when I was young, so I do understand.
The thing is, from my own experience and what I"ve heard from others, we are deeply impacted by childhood sex abuse. I have been affected all my adult life, and I am now 54. I hasten to add, it's gotten a lot better in time and with good help.
I hear you minimising everything that happened to you - which is something I used to do too. I still feel I don't have much of a story. But that's part of how we're affected by childhood sex abuse - playing it down.
I hope you learn to accept all your feelings about your childhood abuse. There's no timetable which says you're only allowed to feel about it for a certain length of time. You might, when you are able to trust a bit more, have to talk about it over and over. I did.
Take good care.
As for the webcam situation - it sound like you were acting out which is very common in many survivors of sexual abuse. And also, your age and the invention of webcams is acting against you. At 16, many of us use poor judgement and the internet just lets us broadcast that to anyone anywhere. Did this man ask for you to do anything? If so, you were also victimized via internet. You were a minor - he was well of age and was preying on your age to get you to do something you now regret.
All of what you have said about the self loathing and such, is very common among survivors of abuse. I had my self-hatred for years, but in time you have to realize these were not things you asked for, they were things that were done to you. Please talk to someone about this, for as you can tell, these little "voices" of negativity won't just go away on their own. If you have had this with you for this amount of time, it sounds like you have already formed a script of self talk. Please do get some help to deal with what happened to you - this was abuse, regardless of how you try to minimize it.
All my best -
Refuse2quit
Here's a link to a website, Mothers of Sexually Abused Children, (created by a mom of a sexually abused child) who achieved her masters degree (and may have gotten her doctorate as well) in counseling, did and continues to do all kinds of research, and has put all her findings on her website to be a support for anyone who may need it. It's been incredibly helpful to me, it's very comprehensive and educational, and I encourage you, and anyone else here who is interested, to check out this link, and the entire site. http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=148&deptid=1 . I hope this helps explain some of the feelings, beliefs about yourself, and actions you've taken that have occurred with you since the abuse.
I also agree this is not your fault in anyway; your more current thoughts and actons are a result of the abuse at such a young age when you believed that adults were trustworthy and would not harm you, so whatever an adult did with you may have been viewed by you as normal or healthy. As you mature and realize it's not normal or healthy, the challenge is not to look at yourself as unworthy, not to believe you are making something out of nothing, not allowing false guilt--you are not the guilty one, only the offender is accountable for what occurred. You are not the offender.
I hope this is helpful for you, I hope and pray you can start on a healing path; you are a very worthy and valuable person. Take good care of yourself.