Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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LindaJean 10/10/2007

I was in therapy for 16 years and I thought I knew what boundaries were. I understand boundaries theoretically but I don't seem to be able to understand them personally. I don't even know what I don't know about boundaries - in order to ask questions (if that makes any sense). I grew up having absolutely no rights at all - my mother had them all and when I wanted something of my own, it was not allowed. My only signal that my boundaries are being crossed is when my throat starts to tighten when I'm talking to someone - my mother for one. But aside from that - I barely even know where to start.

I would greatly appreciate it if others would share their definitions of boundaries. I did receive a message from one person about the definition of boundaries and that was helpful. I really need to know how others see boundaries. I had no idea I was so clueless about this. I try to to grasp the idea of boundaries and my mind goes into a million pieces - it seems to refuse to go there. Anything anyone can share would be appreciated.

Thanks

deleted_user 10/10/2007

For me, boundries are something I put in place to keep myself feeling safe, comfortable, and satisfied. A good example of a boundry I have in place is this: If I am in a relationship, and the man is angry or yelling I will refuse to talk to him until hes calm. Another boundry I have is with people in general. I will help someone until I feel taken advantage of. Saying to to someone I think is often the hardest for people who have been in abusive situations. That's something I had to practice. Another boundry for me is I refuse to let people badger me into doing something. In fact, I will do the opposite of what they want if they try to force me. Thats sort of left over from my earlier days of taking back control of my own decision making.

I guess to sum it all up for me I would say that boundries are something, call it a rule, that we as individuals put in place to protect ourselves and our well-being.

Ive found that if I sit down and write out things that I do not want people to do to me it helps some. Let's say you have a friend who never calls when she says she would, I would tell her that I enjoy having her as a friend but it really bothers me when she doesnt follow through. Either she'll accept it or she wont, if she doesnt then I think its time to move on.

I think another good example of seeting boundries reminds me of kids. We have to spend alot of time telling them that its not ok to hit someone or to just say whatever is on their mind if its hurtful. We have to show them that its not ok for people to be mean to us and that we do not have to be around someone if we dont want to.

I think having boundries empowers us to take control. We are able to say,"I wont be talked to that way" and we can tell people that we wont and if they dont respect it, then we can move on.

I hope this helps some!

deleted_user 10/10/2007

I meant saying no to someone (4th sentence)

deleted_user 10/11/2007

Try looking for the book "Bounaries: Where You End and I Begin" written by Anne Katherine. It's a very good book about what boundaries are and how to make and keep them.

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