It all makes perfect sense! I dont know how many friends I have known who have attempted to just ignore the issues that come with abuse only to end up in a way worse situation. I know for me up until a couple of years ago I did. I spent long hours at work and I did everything humanly possible to makes the lives of other people more comfortable even at times at my own expense. However, my ex wife led to me a plac ethat I dont want to go to again b ut even thats a daily struggle. However, I ended up in a psych hospital and even had hallucoinations while there who told me that unl;ess I took my life he woul;d. Suffice to say I ended up in the ICU part of the hospital for a bit over a week with nothing o do but sit in this enclosed area with 2 nurses to 4 patients ratio. I spent a total of 6 weeks there opver chbristmas 2007. March 2008 I ended up there for another few weeks. Yes starting woith therpay is scarey, daunting, hopeful plus a lot of other mixed emotions. "Will he/she be able to fix me? I have been in therpay for several yrs also having been diagnosed with dissociative identify disorder (mpd). At times I can still get nervous before an appt because I never know whats going to happen in therapy. But on the whole, even when I have had appts that have made me feel worse than improved, it is worth the struggle and dog fight it takes to getting some normalcy back into life.

hiya, i haven't been on here for a couple of months now, yours is the first post i've read and i know EXACTLY how you feel, well in the main part. I went to councelling last May due to flashbacks and couldnt complete the course as i found it too difficult, the words wouldn't come out of my mouth and i got frustrated with myself for not being stronger. Anyway i went it alone because going to therapy without a support system was to much for me. Anyway...as you have, i have withdrew right into myself in that i have nothing to say to those closest to me, and the more people ask "whats up" the worse i feel. I feel pathetic for having such issues now, and not having come to terms with my passed yet. I was/am a sucessful bank manager but i've been signed off for the last three months with anxiety and between you and me am now back on drugs day and night. I had been cleen for 7 years. thing is i know exactly what i'm doing even thou it's wrong it doesn't work but its what i used to do to surpress my feelings for escapism. I know i am doing this to escape my depression. I have felt extremely suicidal to the point where alot of people who know me are really worried but i promise myself i will NEVER attempt suicide again as the reason i feel like this is because of what was done to me then. Every feeling we have is treatable, depression comes and goes and for every up theres a down. I try to think as crap as i feel now there must be a hell of a good coming soon. i've felt for the last year that nothing is funny...i've become so uptight and "off" with people, stressed because of the emotions i'm trying to keep in. the worst most hopeless part is i dont know how to stop it. I'm sorry for harping on about me....but i think i really do see where you're coming from.
You should feel so proud to go back to therapy...set yourself really small goals, treat yourself along the way, talk to me at any point, i hope to someday soon follow in your footsteps, all i'm doing is delaying the enevitable, because they're right, healing does hurt...you have to clean out the big emotional wound inside us. Be strong, you can face your fears and your life is worth so much more even if you dont believe it right now, dont let them take any more of you away. i hope you've got a trusted friend or family member you can talk to. all my love, hope and support
coolie.x

Yes you make perfect sense to me. I have returned to therapy after the birth of my son, as it brought back lots of unresolved and new issues for me. Its normal to do therapy then have a break and then go back to it. Sometimes we want to leave it because we have had enough, it gets very tough or we feel we can now cope. Well there is nothing wrong with that, if it doesn't work out, then we know we need more help.
Lots of feelings, good and bad are normal before going to therapy again and normal before each session. I get anxious before each session and often would prefer to run away from it, but I know now it would not work and I am hopeful again I shall see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck
xxjackiexx