Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
So this is my story..I'm gonna try not to make it too long because I know it can be hard to read something that is lengthy for some..but idk anyway..
A male friend of mine was over hanging out with my wife and I and he was giving both of us massages since he is good at them. My wife and I get stressed out a lot with work and what not so sometimes its nice to have a deeper massage. Well when my male friend was massaging me, out of nowhere he lifting up my bra and started to massage my breasts.. I was completly blown away and thrown into shock. NO ONE has ever done that to me who I was not intimate with. I didnt say anything but it lasted for about 30 seconds and this was about 30 seconds too long for me. After that later on in the evening he did the same thing to my wife and she didnt seem like it was a big deal however after our male friend left I talked to her about it and told her how I felt and sobbed to her. I felt totally abused and violated even though I didnt tell him to stop. I asked her if she felt the same way and she said she was uncomfortable but just blew it off her shoulders because that's the way she deals with things. I now have flash backs of the incident everytime she rubs my breasts because it reminds me of what happened, and I get flash backs when I talk to this male friend. I havent told my counselors because I didnt think it was a big deal but I'm having them more frequently so I'm not sure what to do. Was it sexual assault or should I just blow it off? I should have said No, and that it wasnt OK for him to do it to my wife either...I feel disappointed in myself.
A male friend of mine was over hanging out with my wife and I and he was giving both of us massages since he is good at them. My wife and I get stressed out a lot with work and what not so sometimes its nice to have a deeper massage. Well when my male friend was massaging me, out of nowhere he lifting up my bra and started to massage my breasts.. I was completly blown away and thrown into shock. NO ONE has ever done that to me who I was not intimate with. I didnt say anything but it lasted for about 30 seconds and this was about 30 seconds too long for me. After that later on in the evening he did the same thing to my wife and she didnt seem like it was a big deal however after our male friend left I talked to her about it and told her how I felt and sobbed to her. I felt totally abused and violated even though I didnt tell him to stop. I asked her if she felt the same way and she said she was uncomfortable but just blew it off her shoulders because that's the way she deals with things. I now have flash backs of the incident everytime she rubs my breasts because it reminds me of what happened, and I get flash backs when I talk to this male friend. I havent told my counselors because I didnt think it was a big deal but I'm having them more frequently so I'm not sure what to do. Was it sexual assault or should I just blow it off? I should have said No, and that it wasnt OK for him to do it to my wife either...I feel disappointed in myself.
Also you were wearing a bra which is pretty much an indicator that it was not 'that' kind of massage until he made it into one. And again, him not being a professional- a professional would ask before doing anything that could be construed as remotely sexual.
To sort of freeze in the presence of an unwanted advance is normal- to sort of go "I don't know what to do, so I'm going to act like it's not happening" is typical.
Get this guy out of your life. He's a creepo and is disrespectful. I don't know about pressing charges as that might be difficult, but at the very least cut contact and talk to a therapist about getting over the flashbacks.
So sorry that your friend has such bad boundaries.
It sucks also to be betrayed or feel used by a so-called friend, especially sexually. That's sort of an added betrayal, which is probably why this is traumatic. Your trust was violated. I know this all too well.
Sorry about all this, but again, it's not you or your wife's fault. He just had some kind of porn movie fantasy in his head, is my guess. Lesbians are a big turn on for lots of guys.
We're civilized people, not someone living in a cave thirty thousand years ago. Society has rules, boundaries, expectations of boundaries. I'm sure he knew just what he was doing...and he knew it was wrong.
I've been groped more than a few times in my life, and it's always been a very bad experience. I'm male and heterosexual, and having a man grabbing me sexually really messes up my head. I remember all the times that it happened, that's saying something right there.
Just thinking about those things that happened gives me an insecure feeling. It makes you feel unsafe and vulnerable to attack, that's why it's so wrong.
Tell this guy that what he did cant ever happen again and how you felt about him touching you like that.
But the same goes with your friend...she could have said something too. But if her way to deal with it...is to just ignore it...then that's her coping mechanism. DEFINITELY bring it up to your counselor. Because it IS affecting your quality of life. At the same time...ONE of you should be mentioning how inappropriate this action was to him!!! How is he supposed to know neither of you liked it or enjoyed it unless you tell him?!?! He's not a mind reader. Perhaps, he just thought that the muscles in your breasts were tight and needed massaging too. I know mine get tight and need to be massaged(mind you, I do this myself). But say something!!! He can't stop something he doesn't realize is affecting you the way it did. Right???
Some people don't KNOW personal boundaries. They think they're just trying to help someone...without realizing that they're conflicting them. So you SHOULD also tell him. Make him aware that it was inappropriate as well as unwelcome. :) Hope this helps.