My mother died 2 months ago and I'm still reeling from the loss. But with her death the molestation I experienced has come to the surface. I had bottled it up and 'let it go' (meaning never deal with it) and then my first advocate who was also my abuser's advocate died and all of the s*** has surfaced. I have been listless and unmotivated in spurts and starts. One day I have gone through another of my mother's boxes and vacuumed and done the dishes and laundry and the next week I lay around and do nothing but go to work and come home. For the first week after my mother's death I didn't eat or sleep all that well. And then when I did start to sleep better, the nightmares started back up.

I never remember them. And I don't remember most aspects of the abuse. I don't remember, really how old I was, how old he was, bits and pieces of the actual abuse pop in to my head but not much else. All that I do remember is the mind-numbing listless that has been the last two months of my life. Feeling for his loss of his mother (MY mother) and wanting to scratch his eyes out at the same time. Angry with my mother for dismissing his abuse of me, furious with him because of how his drug abuse has killed the memory of what he did to me.

Angry at the world for being so happy at this time of year. I haven't been truly happy for a long time. But so much less so with the loss of my Momma. I want to remember the happy times too but those seem lost as well.