Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
when I was 11 years old my mom took me to the doctor for a physical. She was in the room and I had to get naked. I asked her to leave but she wouldnt. The doctor proceeded to check my testicles and I got an erection. I was so ashamed I would barely talk for weeks. She took me to see the same doctor again a year later and let me go alone. He checked my testicles, I became erect, and he felt my anus for a little bit and moved my erect penis around. I thought this was a normal physical but it made me feel so sick and ashamed, especially for getting an erection, that I wouldn't even take my shirt off in front of people for a year. Later on when I was 14, I began to crave sex, even if it was with another man, though i am not attracted to men. I acted on this urge and met a man online who said he was 19. I met him in a bathroom at the mall and he appeared to be 40. I tried to back out but he insisted i would enjoy it. He guided me into giving him oral sex. I felt like some sort of deviant. Like I was an evil kid who betrayed his family. My sexual relations have been sporadic and un-satisfying since.
Was my experience with the doctor abuse? I have more details. When asked to leave a urine sample hhe said he had to accompany me to the bathroom and observe. He didn't do any of these things with my little brother. I may be imaging things. But in my teens my reckless curiosity for sex lead to sever incidents where i was coerced into doing things i did not want to do.
For a long time i thought i was gay. But i have never been atracted to men, i just seem to have a preoccupation with sex. And very few of my sexual relationsships with woman felt normal. Even the ones that did, i would still feel loathing and shame after orgasm.
Was my experience with the doctor abuse? I have more details. When asked to leave a urine sample hhe said he had to accompany me to the bathroom and observe. He didn't do any of these things with my little brother. I may be imaging things. But in my teens my reckless curiosity for sex lead to sever incidents where i was coerced into doing things i did not want to do.
For a long time i thought i was gay. But i have never been atracted to men, i just seem to have a preoccupation with sex. And very few of my sexual relationsships with woman felt normal. Even the ones that did, i would still feel loathing and shame after orgasm.
I am beginning Sexual Trauma Therapy. (Nexus)
I was abused when I was 6 and still find myself, at 35 Years of age, drawn towards Teenage Girls. But it isn't worth getting one's throat slashed in jail for sex.
Get counseling asap.
Was it sexual abuse? I'm not sure if it was or was not. I am female and am not familiar with how a Dr. exams a boy but my guess would be that it was extremely inappropriate at the very least. But how we label it is not as important as how it made you feel. The feelings of being ashamed and dirty are not how you should feel when having a physical. What he did to you made you feel this way and you need to trust that your feelings were telling you the truth - that the way he was touching you was wrong.
Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know this is not easy to talk about with anyone, and coming here to Daily Strength (DS) was a great first step. Talking about what happened will help you to process it. If you are not able to work with a therapist just yet, please keep coming here and talking with us. There are many supportive understanding people here - some of which are men and will be able to tell you if they experienced anything similar.
You can heal from what happened. And you deserve to heal from this experience.
Take care
As for the other men here's my take. They were adults you were not they did not act responsibly and they took advantage of you. That was not your fault and that was abuse. Somewhere along the line your sexual development was compromised and seeking therapy will hopefully help correct that so you can go on more whole and healed.
I don't remember specifics, I just know the basics of what happened. But I do know for sure that I I hid myself away from people, I would hide out through most of the day because I felt like EVERYONE knew my shame. I would triple check door locks when I was getting changed and things like that. It definitely stayed with me for years, I just don't know anymore
It's so good that you're starting to talk about this here. I hope it will make it possible for you to talk about it with your therapist at some point. You deserve to heal from past traumas and have a happy and loving sexual experience.
There has to be a reason that you put yourself into situations where you were coerced into doing things you didn't want to do. It's possible that the experience with the doctor was profoundly traumatizing to you. It's possible that there were other traumas that you don't yet remember. Even if for some reason you sought out these experiences in the absence of any past traumas in your life, it is relevant to be discussed in therapy. There is no shame or guilt in it - the question is, why were you drawn to do something that left you so unhappy? That's a question you need answered in order to heal and move forward in life.