Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
To make a long story even longer, while starting a divorce, I found the text records of a conversation between my (stbx) wife of 12 years and the guy she's fallen in love with. She's a recovering childhood SA victim, and while she has made great strides, I really don't think she has fully recovered. We've had a very troubled sex life, as could be expected. For the past 2 years, attempting to give her space, I left initiating sex completely up to her. So we had sex maybe a dozen times in the past 6 years. What hurt me most though was the lack of emotional intimacy.
In reading her texts, she tells the guy that she was physically intimate with me only because she felt she had to, because it was what I wanted, and she never really enjoyed it. She said: "he'd say that it's always been a choice, that he's never forced me (whatever... not a pleasant thought there) and that he's tried to give me my space to heal or whatever... but always I knew that he wanted it all the time, wanted more and more... it felt like a hungry tiger or shark... he was holding off but i felt like at any second he'd just want more... like we can't just kiss because he thinks thats his invitation to have sex...and even when he says it's not, it is..."
I think she was right about the last part. It was very hard for me to give her that space. I acknowledge that I had a hard time with my own feelings of rejection. And I acknowledge that I always did want to have sex with her, and that it was hard for me to stop when she showed what I thought really was interest. When we had it out last week, I told her I will never feel guilty for wanting to have sex with my wife, that I love, and who I think is beautiful, and want to be intimate with. But now I do feel guilty. I mean, I really do understand that she couldn't tell me no because of her guilt, and that I shouldn't be expected to be asexual. I even don't really care about not being respected for what I felt was a large sacrifice on my part. I'm even furious that she would do things like that even though she didn't want to. It would be hard, but I would even accept never having sex again if that's what it took to show her how much I loved her. I thought it was obvious to her I didn't care about the sex if she didn't want it. I was honestly happy with our relationship at that point. It wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and accepted everything about her.
But even though I'm angry for the incredibly hurtful things she's said to and about me, it just hurts so much that I put her through that. I feel like a revolting, disgusting, piece of shit rapist that I would make her feel that way. I'm the biggest lowlife scumbag, betrayer of her soul, a complete and total failure. I really am just like her abusers, even though I loved her more than anything on this earth, just like they always say too. I just feel so DISGUSTING!!!
I want to believe that she's just still sick, and she's just delusional, and not taking responsibility for her part.
I just don't know. Either way, I am so messed up.
In reading her texts, she tells the guy that she was physically intimate with me only because she felt she had to, because it was what I wanted, and she never really enjoyed it. She said: "he'd say that it's always been a choice, that he's never forced me (whatever... not a pleasant thought there) and that he's tried to give me my space to heal or whatever... but always I knew that he wanted it all the time, wanted more and more... it felt like a hungry tiger or shark... he was holding off but i felt like at any second he'd just want more... like we can't just kiss because he thinks thats his invitation to have sex...and even when he says it's not, it is..."
I think she was right about the last part. It was very hard for me to give her that space. I acknowledge that I had a hard time with my own feelings of rejection. And I acknowledge that I always did want to have sex with her, and that it was hard for me to stop when she showed what I thought really was interest. When we had it out last week, I told her I will never feel guilty for wanting to have sex with my wife, that I love, and who I think is beautiful, and want to be intimate with. But now I do feel guilty. I mean, I really do understand that she couldn't tell me no because of her guilt, and that I shouldn't be expected to be asexual. I even don't really care about not being respected for what I felt was a large sacrifice on my part. I'm even furious that she would do things like that even though she didn't want to. It would be hard, but I would even accept never having sex again if that's what it took to show her how much I loved her. I thought it was obvious to her I didn't care about the sex if she didn't want it. I was honestly happy with our relationship at that point. It wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and accepted everything about her.
But even though I'm angry for the incredibly hurtful things she's said to and about me, it just hurts so much that I put her through that. I feel like a revolting, disgusting, piece of shit rapist that I would make her feel that way. I'm the biggest lowlife scumbag, betrayer of her soul, a complete and total failure. I really am just like her abusers, even though I loved her more than anything on this earth, just like they always say too. I just feel so DISGUSTING!!!
I want to believe that she's just still sick, and she's just delusional, and not taking responsibility for her part.
I just don't know. Either way, I am so messed up.
Skwerl
Just wanted to apologize if I set off any triggers... I know this is traditionally a forum for abuse victims, I just value the perspective of people that have experience with SA, and maybe offer some perspective/apology.
deleted_user
Yeah. Well you pretty much struck a chord.
deleted_user
What you posted really hit home for me. Although I was the one who was sexually abused, more than once someone who was and still is my friend in addition to some sexual encounter that occurred has expressed feeling the same way as you. Both said they would never have done it. Although neither of them knew about the abuse I endured at the time, both have felt guilty (I'm close friends with both of them and they are now apart of my support system). Your story really hit home in the fact that I didn't really understand why they were guilty until reading this. I never saw the situations as me giving in because they wanted me too; I felt as though I was 100% confident in my decision to do what we did. They, however, noticed a slight hesitation in my actions that I did not, and now I can understand why they would feel that way. Thank you!
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