iv'e never forgave my abuser (stepdad) and i never will there's just no way he stole my child hood and i hav so many issue's as a adult i two am scared to be a lone i hate my own company and lack confidence no matter how many times people tell me i hav to fogive to move on i will move on i know this and over come my issue's but i will do this without forgiving him! x x x

There is not a chance in hell I will ever forgive my grandfather! No one should ever expect a victim to forgive the victimizer! I am so sorry this happened to you.

Forgiveness is a personal choice. I wonder if your friends who are telling you to forgive believe that they have some insight into how that might help YOU. Next time it is suggested to you, ask the person what there is to gain from forgiveness.

I have made a personal choice to forgive my abusers. That in NO way meens they are not to be held responsible for the abuse. That in NO way means that I want a relationship with them. I am simply choosing forgiveness so that I can put things behind me. In fact, none of my abusers will ever find out that I have forgiven them...that is something between me and my therapist that will stay in his office.

You have the right to choose what you want to do. Don't let someone else's ignorance of your situation determine what you do. You choose.

Kayrl...

It is totally up to YOU if YOU want to Forgive. I feel that when it comes to SA, it is different when it comes to forgiveness.

I agree with you, my sweet friend.

I am 32 now...I was SA from ~6 to 16 y/o by my Step-Dad. I have NOT forgiven him, and have NO plans to either.

Kayrl, this NOT ONLY affects your childhood, but quite likely will come back and haunt your adult life, as it has mine.

I lived in Survivor Mode for 13 years...I was a high achiever, completed College, Married, started a family...I was happy to an extent.

Then, I was triggered by seeing my abuser...my life took a downhill spiral.

Look at me now, I had to RESIGN from my Nursing Career due to the PTSD...THANKS ABUSER! My Cognitive abilities have been effected so, that I am a liability to my patients and to practice Nursing. Also, I should NOT be driving, b/c I have significant delayed response times...THANKS ABUSER!

But, I am going to heal, for my children, they need their Mommy whole.

The ONLY person YOU NEED to EVEN THINK about FORGIVING is YOURSELF.

You need to forgive yourself, and release the binds of anger, shame and guilt...b/c it is not your fault, it is Mason's fault...it's HIS shame and guilt. Not Yours.

Like I have told you before, it is going to be hard for you to heal from this while you are under your parent's roof and still seeing Mason.

You need to be surrounded by people that BELIEVE YOU, SUPPORT YOU and LOVE YOU! YOU DESERVE that, and NEED that to HEAL.

Otherwise, it's going to make your recovery that much harder.

Your mother, if still in denial, needs to get in counseling too. She needs to be able to believe you, and support you. It's important for your healing and recovery. Believe me, it is. My Mom is still in denial.

She can still love you both, but she needs to support the one who has been abused more than the abuser. KWIM?

She needs therapy as well...and I hope you are still in therapy too.

*HUGS*

Forgiveness is a long process, and it is usually accomplished after a lot of work in healing. Its also a coming to terms with the trauma. You shouldnt feel pressure to immediately forgive someone. But understand that it takes time to reach that point, if you do in fact reach it. I hope you do - and I hope I do. I want my heart to be free from all this anger, guilt, hatred, shame, and all the other nasty things tied to the abuse. Forgiveness is total freedom, but freedom doesnt always come as quickly as we would like.

I'm 46 yrs old and still can not forgive my father and my brother. It has effected my adult life to the point of being dysfunctional. I am in therapy and am hoping one day I might forgive them, but for now, I can't. Every person is different when it comes to forgiveness, it takes a long time to heal and forgive and maybe the forgiving never happens. Only you will know that answer of if or when. I will be praying for you.

I will never forgive my abuser, but i don't hate him... Hating him would take up too much of my energy and feelings and he has stolen enough of that from me already. Concentrate on yourself, making you feel better and one day you may come to a point where you are at peace with him but more importantly at peace with yourself i am here if you want to talk, my abuser was my brother too.

i no how hadr it is when u are all ways being told 2 4give the 1 that abued u cuz my mum is allway telling me 2 4give my bro and that i made it sound worse that it ever was but i have thought if i could or not and i no i cant he messed my hole life up and i dont no any 1 that could 4give that every 1 deal with it in there own way u just got 2 have time my way 2 deal with it b4 i told any 1 was 2 hurt my self 2 stop me thinking about the pain inside or on the out side from him but at the end of it its totel up 2 u how u go from this point dont let any1 tell u how u should deal with it

You don't need to forgive, that's up to you, when and if you are EVER ready. But I will say this- I forgave my father. Not for his sake, but for my own. I wanted to be free of the anger and bitterness that was poisoning my life. But it wasn't a one off thing. I kept thinking I had forgiven, and the rage would come out, and I would start all over again. My forgiveness did not free him- but it set me free.

I don't think I will ever forgive my abuser eiter. I think it is perfectly fine not to forgive. Our abusers,for the most part, have no reprocusions for their actions. We don't get any appologies, usually, and they live their life the same as always. Where's the justice in that? They just get to deny what happened and be done with it!
I've had people tell me the same thing. But this history is burned into my brain. Sorry that just doesn't go away. We just have to find a way to funnel that anger in a healthy way....whatever that may be.

Don't feel like you have to forgive him. Some things are unforgivable.

i understand what you are going through my father tried to tell me to forgive his brother for sexually abuse back when i was 15 it lasted for 6 months but i can't i keep telling him that but all he could say was with gods help you will.
well before the uncle i was abused by three other people two cousins on my moms side abused me from the time i was 4 till i wa about 10 and the babysitter who was a friend of the family she started when i was about 8 and ended when i wa about 9 so about my whole life i was being abused most of my life and it seems like a lot of people keep telling me to forgive them and go on with your life ....
but your right you can forget what they did to you and just forgive them they don't deserve it they should be in prison for it ...
but they aren't ....
well i don't know if this helped or not, but i hope it did.
if you ever need to talk about anything just write me.

It has been 20 years since I was SA and I am still emotionally abused by my father. I am just now to a point where I am looking at trying to forgive my father. I dont want to forgive him for his sake but for my own. Holding onto my hatred and anger my PSTD turned into BPD and I have sever anxiety problems.

SA is a NON forgiveable thing. YOu Need to work on forgiving your self for allowing them to continue to hurt you long after the abuse stopped. And accept that the abuse was not your fault you did what you had to do to survive. But take your time and just know that it will be a life time struggle to cope with the hurt that SA causes. The good thing is you can survive it and you can find happiness and trust in the right person when they time is right and your hearth is ready.