Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Incest and sexual abuse was the norm in my family. And though the three major perpetrators are now dead, some of the male cousins, who perpetrated, are still alive.
My younger sister is friends with these cousins because she said she's forgiven them. I'm glad for her even though I privately believe that her "forgiveness" is more of a need to be liked and accepted by them than real forgiveness.
I understand her need, but I still feel angry with her. And I feel this huge sense of betrayal that she would want to socialize with them, in spite of knowing what they did to our older sister.
These 'boys' (I have never thought of them as men) used my older sister nightly since my aunt saw no reason my then 13-year old sister should not sleep in the same bed as her three sons, age 18, 19, and 21. (ooh, my throat is now so tight with tears to think of her misery).
Maybe it's just control on my part, but I want her to stand with me and have nothing to do with them. We don't discuss this topic often because it brings up too much stuff for us. Besides, when we do talk about it she says I make her feel guilty for wanting to have them in her life; and she always falls back on 'forgiveness' suggesting that she is somehow closer to God for having forgiven them.
I have forgiven some of the perpetrators, but not these boys. (And yes, I know for certain that one abused me, too. I can't say anything about the rest because many memories are still buried.)
Oh, I don't know how to handle my feelings towards my younger sister; it's a love/hate situation...how do you handle such mixed emotions?
My younger sister is friends with these cousins because she said she's forgiven them. I'm glad for her even though I privately believe that her "forgiveness" is more of a need to be liked and accepted by them than real forgiveness.
I understand her need, but I still feel angry with her. And I feel this huge sense of betrayal that she would want to socialize with them, in spite of knowing what they did to our older sister.
These 'boys' (I have never thought of them as men) used my older sister nightly since my aunt saw no reason my then 13-year old sister should not sleep in the same bed as her three sons, age 18, 19, and 21. (ooh, my throat is now so tight with tears to think of her misery).
Maybe it's just control on my part, but I want her to stand with me and have nothing to do with them. We don't discuss this topic often because it brings up too much stuff for us. Besides, when we do talk about it she says I make her feel guilty for wanting to have them in her life; and she always falls back on 'forgiveness' suggesting that she is somehow closer to God for having forgiven them.
I have forgiven some of the perpetrators, but not these boys. (And yes, I know for certain that one abused me, too. I can't say anything about the rest because many memories are still buried.)
Oh, I don't know how to handle my feelings towards my younger sister; it's a love/hate situation...how do you handle such mixed emotions?
You feel what you feel, and I know how hard it is for you to see your sister choosing this road, but unfortunately the only thing you can do is talk to her, and keep faith. In my opinion, forgiving is God's decision.. he makes those kind of calls. If you ever feel like talking please let me know! I wish you the best, my thoughts are with you!
How is your relationship with your sister on the whole? Are you close? I think sometimes (as difficult as it is) you have to agree to disagree on some subjects. If she has chosen to spend time with them then at the end of the day it is her decision. You have made your opinion clear and I guess that is all you can do.
How people deal with abuse is so individual that I don't think any way is right or wrong. What is important is that you do what is best for you. Make sure that you are safe and don't ever give yourself a hard time for feeling how you feel.
You have the right to your own emotions whatever they may be.
I'm sorry I have no answers but I want to offer you my support.
I agree with you it is some form of wanting to be liked. But at what expense!?! It is hard to live like this. I too believe we need to stand together and have 0 tolerance of this horrible crime.
the problems won't go away as long as she keeps in touch with these men. Who knows what's going on there too.
I wish you the best. And for all it's worth, I am here for you on your side. God bless
My sister did not know for years about the abuse that my brother gave me. When I disclosed the information to my mother & father, they kept the knowledge from her. She suffers from PTSD just from the physical abuse from childhood. She now knows of the sexual abuse I survived. However, though she has distanced herself from contact with my mother and father, and totally refuses contact with my brother, she feels she is obligated in some way to keep up infrequent contact with the parents.
I am not really sure how that makes me feel. Although I understand her feelings of being obligated, I also see how this is hurting her. And that infrequent contact, along with her refusal to deal with her own trauma, prevents a closer relationship between the two of us. I would have to say that if she maintained any sort of relationship with my brother, that I would not maintain any relationship with her. The very toxicity of my family infects all that surround them, and I want no part of that.
I don't think your desire to have your younger sister stand with you against the abuse is anything but healthy. Unless these cousins have taken responsibility for their actions, admitted their wrongs and begged for forgiveness, then they are still what I would consider to be abusers, with the abuser mentality, narcissistic and self centered, and toxic for your sister to be around in my opinion. Her "forgiveness", to me, is nothing much more than denial and would be difficult at best for me to deal with. If my sister had been abused, I would not forgive the ones that abused her and hang out with them. Oh! Matter of fact, my sister WAS abused, though not sexually, and I DON'T have any relationship at all with the ones that abused her, and would not even if they had not abused me as well!
At first I cried because I know that life is not black and white and there is more to the story than I was able to say; I just presented the skeletal outline of the situation. Let me try to flesh it out a little.
I love all my sisters and know that each one of us was wounded in different ways. We had no one except each other (for which I'm grateful) yet, our warped perceptions also drove us apart at times.
I did not grow up with my oldest sister. I know she was abused but she has never acknowledged it. After three or four failed marriages she married the ex of one of my sisters. I know he is a perpetrator, having abused his daughter, and I want nothing to do with him; but it comes at a cost because I would like to get to know my sister. I just don't know how I can separate the two.
Outside of "turning it over to God," my next older sister has done no work on her healing. She is only 1 1/2 years older than I, but is plagued with all kinds of physical problems. I believe it is her body memories begging to be heard. She married an alcoholic who, in spite of his drinking, is generous, kind, and very laid-back. He becomes very affectionate when he's drunk, much to her displeasure. She still holds some ill-feelings towards the oldest sister for marrying her ex because there was about to be a reconcilliation; and she still loved him.
My youngest sister turned to Mormonism. I believe because it fills her need to be part of something and to be taken care of. Mormons do take care of their own. She spent a year in the hospital when she was five because of heart problems. The nurses felt sorry for her because my dad and his wife (I had to change this from step-mother to wife for she was anything but a mother to us) seldom came to visit; the bar was more important. She has done some healing. The man she married suffered from PTSD though he kept it buried for years; he witnessed the strangling murder of his father by his brother who'd returned from the war. This dear man blamed himself all those years for not being able to stop it. He died last year from cancer. He was a great loss to me.
I sought out Spiritual understanding after walking away from organized religion. I did not walk, but ran after my healing. I married a man I was not in love with. He is responsible, does not chase women, or drink. I wish I could fall in love with him, but after all these years it's probably not going to happen.
With these small bios, the internal workings of our minds and hearts cannot really be gotten to, but I think they highlight how we, as survivors, often make choices in life from our wounded place. I know I did.
Maybe my youngest sister is making just such a choice with her decision about the cousins. I was able to pinpoint, thanks to your responses and this writing, why I feel betrayed at my sister's choice.
It's as if there is a tacit agreement between the cousins and other members of the family who consort with them, including my sister, to pretend that what they did in the past was, #1-- unimportant since, as parenteless kids, we were unimportant and did not really matter; and #2-- what they did in the past is forgiven and forgotten and thus requires no show of remorse, apology or a taking of responsibility for their actions.
I've re-read your responses and feel I've reached a workable decision. I still want my younger sister in my life--she is too important to me--but, I will not be part of any family gatherings that include those cousins, even if they are at her house. And as Tryingstill said, "at the end of the day it is her decision" (to spend time with them or not).
Gads, I didn't realize I had all that locked up waiting to be heard. This is very healing. Thank you for listening and for sharing yourselves. You all have helped me a great deal. I think it's now time for me to let this piece go.
Okay, I know it may come up again, but each time I'm able to let some of it go I'm better off because I know that eventually, it will only be a distant twinge.
xxxx