Also he talks highly of his sister all the time, how funny she is, that shes pretty (doesnt go on about her looks), that shes like hanging with one of the guys but should I be concerned because he talks more of her than his 2 older brothers and more of his younger only sister? He also said that his father use to beat them with a belt and his older brother had to get between them because it was so bad

in extreme cases of emotional distress, your mind can block out the cause of the distress, aka the sexual abuse. alot of times what helps is to see a therapist who can help dig a bit deeper into the past and if there was sexual abuse, the therapist can help him work through that.

I'm new to the group, but haven't written my intro yet and I saw you're post.

I was abused when I was a kid. I didn't remember anything except I had random memories of crying when I saw the person. Looking back on it I realized I was more sexual than I should've been, but I couldn't remember how I learned it.
It wasn't till I was raped when I was 18 did the memories start coming back.
It's not about brainwashing, it's a way for your mind to compartmentalize the trauma. It's your mind's way of protecting you. Some people never remember, some are triggered by something (smell, object, etc) or by another trauma.

These are great questions. Suppressed memories can definitely be a result of abuse. I do subscribe to the brainwashing theory. I refer to it in my book about my child sexual abuse. However, I don't see it in the context of suppressed memories. For me the brainwashing was convincing me the abuse was normal behavior, I liked it, and that I should never tell, etc. So in this context brainwashing is very real.

I don't see father and son taking showers together as an issue at very early ages but it is as the child gets older. The context of the sexual abuse you mentioned your boy friend admitted to can be a form of acting as result of him being abused, but it can be several other things, such as not knowing where the lines are, curiosity, exploration all of which can be construed as abuse but I dont think it defines him as a child sexual abuser.

As to trying to figure out if he was abused himself that is very tricky and I think should be explored with a professional who specializes in male sexual abuse and surprised memories. I want to applaud you as his girl friend for caring enough to explore this with him.


thanks for the post and good luck

I'm no professional...but by the sounds of it...it DOES sound like he was sexually abused!!! But not just sexually, physically as well. Though he also did some molesting himself, he was only doing what he thought may have been normal. Also, I've never had kids, but I DO think that young boys ARE more sexually curious then girls. So, there is a chance that it could have been "normal"...on the other hand...there is a very GOOD chance that she was covering up for what really went on. We don't know.

As Jaydensmama said, in times of extreme emotional distress, your mind WILL block out trauma that either has taken or is taking place. The younger you are(normally) will depend on the severity of the mind block. If it blocks it out well enough...he may have more questions then answers. But if he remembers something...let him tell it to you as he remembers it...but don't judge him...don't be scared to hear him out...cause he needs to get it out of his system. Don't panic in front of him...if you're concerned...wait until he's calmed down and ask him if it's alright if you guys talk about it.

I don't know if you need to be concerned for his pride about his sister. Some siblings are very proud of certain siblings. Some families are just like that. If you think it may be a concern, you could try asking him about. But, if it's part of the trauma...he may not remember why he regards her so highly. Perhaps he had to witness something that involved her...and he didn't know what to do. I know that when something went on with me and a case of my abuse, my brother found out about it and to this day, holds me in a much higher respect then my sister. So, it could be something like that. For the longest time my brother tried to get me to hang out with him and his friends...they were heavy into the drugs...and I was very highly anti-social at the time...so I refused. But still, he respected(s) me more then my younger sister...if that tells you anything.

Another way you can help him, may be to suggest he see a professional. Always be there for him emotionally too. Encourage him, listen to him, don't judge him...if he needs space or time to work through his emotions...don't be afraid to give it to him. Let him know that you are always there for him. You want to be. I do hope that you're able to find ways to help him.

The touching of his sister and what he did with his brother required the cooperation of the other person. I don't think other kids would have allowed him to do that unless it had been done to them before. Looking at the genetal area of a girl probably would not occure to most really little kidss unlessit had been made visible. Putting another boys body part into his mouth could not be self taught.

I have only a hazy recall of any activity witth other males as a littlekid. Yet I know that I knew about oral and anal sex before I was six. I must have been involved.

Whether or not it was 'abuse' was the subject of debate inside my head for years and years I cannot recall ever being forced into doing anything. From what I remember, I liked it. How could it be abuse when I like most of it. When I found out that only "queer' boys liked being touched by other boys I began to feel the guilt. But it was not of a degree that my guilt prevented me from wanting to do more of it.

However if it is lpreventing him from having the sexual life which he wants today, it was definately abuse. If he was, you cannot change it. if he wants to change himself, then you can support him. Some counseling might him make up his mind.

At one point I remembered no sexual abuse at all. Only physical and verbal abuse.
It wasn't until 3 years after mom divorced dad I remembered things...
I'm only now getting complete memories of what my dad did. The other two (sexual abusers) were much easier...there was not the level of betrayal...What my dad did utterly smashed me to pieces inside.

When the memories come back, they seem dreamlike, but unlike dreams, they get clearer, not more vague...and I go insane for a while, feeling them.