Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I know it happened. I remember things he told me, when I was a kid, to trick me into thinking it was ok. He told me the doctor/nurse checked him, and he had to check me, and I might be sick and die. I was so scared that I was going to die. He told me it was a secret. I used to hide, so I would't have to go over to his house. Every day, after school, I hid - in the garden shed, in front of a lamp post, anything.
But, in terms of what he actually did.....I really can't remember. Well, that's not true - I can remember, but I can mostly only remember everything EXCEPT what he was doing to me. I remember, for example, the exact colour and feel of the couch in his basment I laid on. Stuff like that. I remember a tiny bit of the abuse. But just a tiny bit, just one flash.
I feel that this has really effected my life. I avoid sex. I can't imagine having it. When I was younger, I was the opposite - I was very promiscuous. Thinking back, I can see so many signs and problems and indications that he was abusing me. There are so many things. And I've always known about the abuse, on some level....even in high school, even when I was 12, I had a fuzzy idea that this'd happened. I wrote poems about it in high school.
In high school, the first time I ever drank, I blacked out. The next day, a friend called me, and was very very very worried....I couldn't figure out why. He told me it's because I curled up in a ball (when I was drunk), and screamed and screamed at someone to stop touching me. He said I totally freaked out. I think, then, I must have been remembering.
So, my problem is, here is this huge thing, that's effected me all my life (I'm in my thirities now), and I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to deal with something I mostly can't remember.
I want to get better, but don't know how. I have no money at all for seeing a therapist. There is a program in my city, a place for women who've been abused, and its got free councelling, but you can only have 10 free appointments. I went once or twice, and felt uncomfortable, because it turns out the woman who coucils there is somebody in my community. So free coucelling seems to be out.
I have a book, I'm reading very slowly. It's called "the courage to heal".
So that's something. But I feel like I need to do more, and I don't know what. I want to talk to somebody, but....like I said, no money and the free program wasn't working.
I'm just wondering, I guess, what else I could possibly do??
I'm also wondering about how to deal with something I can't even really remember? I feel like if I had clear memories of it, I could deal with it bettter....because the weird thing is I have no feelings about it. I'm not angry, not mad, not sad, not anything...
...so how do I deal with my feelings when I don't have any feelings???????
But, in terms of what he actually did.....I really can't remember. Well, that's not true - I can remember, but I can mostly only remember everything EXCEPT what he was doing to me. I remember, for example, the exact colour and feel of the couch in his basment I laid on. Stuff like that. I remember a tiny bit of the abuse. But just a tiny bit, just one flash.
I feel that this has really effected my life. I avoid sex. I can't imagine having it. When I was younger, I was the opposite - I was very promiscuous. Thinking back, I can see so many signs and problems and indications that he was abusing me. There are so many things. And I've always known about the abuse, on some level....even in high school, even when I was 12, I had a fuzzy idea that this'd happened. I wrote poems about it in high school.
In high school, the first time I ever drank, I blacked out. The next day, a friend called me, and was very very very worried....I couldn't figure out why. He told me it's because I curled up in a ball (when I was drunk), and screamed and screamed at someone to stop touching me. He said I totally freaked out. I think, then, I must have been remembering.
So, my problem is, here is this huge thing, that's effected me all my life (I'm in my thirities now), and I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to deal with something I mostly can't remember.
I want to get better, but don't know how. I have no money at all for seeing a therapist. There is a program in my city, a place for women who've been abused, and its got free councelling, but you can only have 10 free appointments. I went once or twice, and felt uncomfortable, because it turns out the woman who coucils there is somebody in my community. So free coucelling seems to be out.
I have a book, I'm reading very slowly. It's called "the courage to heal".
So that's something. But I feel like I need to do more, and I don't know what. I want to talk to somebody, but....like I said, no money and the free program wasn't working.
I'm just wondering, I guess, what else I could possibly do??
I'm also wondering about how to deal with something I can't even really remember? I feel like if I had clear memories of it, I could deal with it bettter....because the weird thing is I have no feelings about it. I'm not angry, not mad, not sad, not anything...
...so how do I deal with my feelings when I don't have any feelings???????
I can imagine this must be so difficult for you to go through. I am sorry the counselling didn't work out, because that would have been a great support to you. Is there any other free counselling available to you? Perhaps in thr next town etc? Then you wont know anyone there and might feel better.
There are a number of websites who deal specifically with survivors of abuse, maybe you can find support there as well as here?
I Have problems with my feelings too, if it helps.... I remember most things of my abuse, and I still dont feel anything about it, I can remember it, relive it, dream about it. For the most part I just feel nothing. But feeling nothing is also similar to feeling numb, so you might be feeling that. Perhaps you are blocking it out in fear of remembering it?
This will get better, you will get past this and I hope in time come to understand it and move on. In the mean time feel free to contact me for support, you are never alone.
(((( hugs )))) xxx
Just being able to come here, and talk about this, in a supportive environment, really helps.
I like the idea of just free writing....since I remember so very little, and since I don't feel anything, maybe free-writing like that will bring up memories or feelings, since that kind of writing allows things to surface. I think I will try it. Thank you for the idea.
I don't have a car, so I don't know about trying concelling in the next town. But thank you for the idea. Not having a car is part of my problem....it is tough to get anywhere, for coucelling, unless it is close by. Another problem is the time...even if I did want to go back to the free place, it is difficult to get there because of work. By time I bus there, they are closed...
...and I am also very uneasy about the 10 appointments only thing. I don't want to get in the middle of this, and suddenly have to stop.
Yes, it is a difficult book....I think that's why I'm reading it so super-slow....I've had it since last winter, and have read very little of it. It's not that I don't want to read it....it's that it seems like every sentence is SO true that it takes me a while to absorb it and accept it.
Thank you for your support. It is wonderful.
I understand the not wanting to get in the middle of this with a therapist and then have no more visits, however if you can go and have the therapist work with you on learning coping skills. They are good to have in your "toolbox". You can also find a lot on the web. Mindfulness is hard to achieve, but if you can learn and apply it it can help you stay grounded. It may also help you discover emotions.
Since we don't know how many children are abused, we cannot with any degree of accuracy estimate the odds of your recovery without help. We do know that people who were abused as children and do get counseling have a reasonably good chance of adult functioning on a livable level. Without counseling, we have no idea.
I can understand you not trusting a counselor. Almost all of us who were abused as children have major trust issues. However, your options are very limited. I am sure that you will not be left out in the cold after your ten sessions are done. There will be some options there too. I have learned it is much better for me if I do not project into the future. I try to live in the day. Ten counseling sessions to me seem to be a better option that none. Ten sessions with some one you don't totally trust seems to me to be a better option than no sessions with anyone.
I don't know if you live in the USA, but in most parts of this country, having No money would qualify you for medicaid which would not only pick up the tab, but I believe would supply you with transpiration.
I would also think most employers would help you either adjust your hours or allow you to change shifts for medical treatments. If you have a little money, most areas have services with fees based on a sliding scale. In Canada and Great Britain such services are provided by government employees.
I think I would hold off on trying too hard to remember details unless you are seeing a counselor. Memories can cause great distress and depression.
Since you were acting like you were a different person when you were intoxicated, and since you seem to have 'Swiss cheese' memories of the abuse there is also a possibility, you may have what is called Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can look that up on Wikipedia. If so, you will certainly need help from a professional.
If I have raised questions, feel free to ask me about them.
The options listed below came from Charlie, who, unfortunately, is no longer part of this group. Still, I know he'd want the ideas shared.
Because they are two typed pages long I'm going to list them with minimal explanation:
1) Check 4-year colleges and universities in your area. Look for colleges/universities that offer GRADUATE DEGREES in clinical psych, counseling psych or social work. These clinics often work on a sliding scale for payment.
2) Check your local United Way who have a long list of agencies who work on a sliding scale basis.
3) Check with your local rape crisis center. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE for centers in your area.
4) Local Y.W.C.A. or Y.W.H.A. whose Women's Resource Center sometimes offers free counseling to those sexually abused as children.
5) Check your local hospitals to see if they have counseling clinics available.
6) Check the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-4-A-CHILD where you may be referred you to someone who works for free or on a sliding scale.
7) Check your local office of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. We are not mentally ill, but this organization can be a tremendous resource if we will just use them. They know who works with survivors, who works for free, and who works on a sliding scale.
8) Check with the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. (www.aasect.org) On their website is a list of members, indexed by state. Some of them will offer free counseling or work on a sliding scale.
9) Contact your local suicide prevention hotline. They often have a list of therapist who either work for free or on a sliding basis. Call the National Suicide Hotline at 800/273-8255 and your call will be automatically transferred to the center that handles your area.
12-step groups for survivors are not for everyone; for me they were critical to my healing because of the support offered by other women. It was a place I could talk and be heard.
Most 12-step groups ask for a donation of $1.00 to pay for the room, but are free if you don't have a dollar. You can Google 12-step groups for survivors to find one in your area.
Ellen Bass and Laura Davis have also written a book called, Beginning to Heal which is a first book for survivors. You may find that one a little less daunting.
As far as I know, GonnaMakeIt, blackouts and "swisscheese" memories do not qualify you for a DID diagnosis. Blackouts are more closely related to alcoholics who've been drinking a while.
And Swisscheese memories are common to survivors--they certainly were for me.
My cousin raped me when I was 40. I have memories before and memories after, but have no memories of what he actually did. My ingrained habit of dissociation spared me the details.
How do I know it happened? Two ways. My body told me. And when I got home one of the brothers of the rapist called me to ask why I had "let" this happen.
I could not explain to him then, because I did not know myself that I had been "taught" and "trained" and "brainwashed" from the crib to submit to the men in my family. Such is the power of generational incest.
Lostincolo suggested using those 10 session to learn coping skills. I second that suggestion. Perhaps they can teach you breathing techniques, meditation, self-talk, and/or recommend other skills that would help you cope as you move through your healing.
Don't let your fear of being judge by the woman in your community who works at the free counseling place stop you from getting the help you need to heal yourself.
Finally,l GonnaMakeIt, you may not have conscious memories of the abuse but your body knows everything that happened. Pay attention to its messages. A resource to help you learn to do this comes from Eugene Gendlin, Ph.D., who wrote a book called Focusing. See what you think. You should be able to find it in your local library.
I would suggest, however, that before doing this that you check out a 12-step group for support. Although we are the only ones who can do our work, we cannot do it alone.
xx
SuzA
I did Courage to Heal in college. I had a therapist and a support group there and it was free to students. I'm not sure if you might want to look into that, if they might let you join in. It was a first step.
I'm uncertain about what your faith is, but a lot of churches have 12 step recovery programs that relate to all sorts of issues. I would try and find one that focuses on surviving sexual abuse.
I definitely hope you will check out some of the other suggestions, SuzA has some good ones to look into. I'd hate to see you try this alone without some sort of professional support. Good luck and G
od bless.
Crusty - you mentioned that you were sure that the couselling wouldn't stop at 10 sessions. Unfortunely, it would. This is the rule. I am not sure why that's the rule, but it is. I was told about the rule on my first visit there. I was told that this is not intended as long-term coucelling, and that the limit is 10 appointments....
...and, also, you mentioned that it is hard to trust a cousellor. Of course, you're right, it is. But that is not my main problem. As I already mentioned, my problem is that the coucellor that is availble to me is somebody I know in the community. I am okay confiding in a stranger, but, telling all this to someone who is a part of my community is much harder...
....but, I do think you're totally right about 10 sessions being better then nothing. It's really not ideal at all - I know the coucellor, and it's only 10 sessions....but, as you pointed out, 10 sessions is better then no sessions. Any help I can get is good, so I should take advantage of what is available to me. Learning coping skill would be a huge help, and reading your post has really encouraged me, because it has made me feel excited about the possibility of learning those coping skills. Thank you for helping me to see that a little help is better then no help.
No, I don't live in the States. But I can still do more research into other coucelling options. Maybe I haven't researched this throughly enough. Unfortunelty, I don't have a kind of job that is flexible at all in terms of hours, so there is no budging on that. But I believe that if I book the last available appointment of the day at the free place, I can make it on time. Or perhaps there are exceptions, for late appointments. I can always ask.
Yes, I think you're right about not trying to remember things. After all, they were repressed for a reason. If they surface naturally, I guess that means I'm ready to remember. But, I'm sure you're right, in not pushing to remember them. I think it would be wise not to push.
SuzA66 - wow, that is a lot of ideas! Thanks! I am not sure if some of the phone numbers and stuff are for my country (Canada), but, even if they're not, they certainly give me a ton of ideas of where I can start my research.
Reading your advice, and hearing how I am not the only who feels this way, makes me feel better - it makes me feel less alone, and more understood.
Thank you, for your time, ideas, and help. I look forward to slowly exploring all the ideas here, and, hopefully, slowly improving my life. One thing I am lucky in is that I have a very understanding boyfriend...we certainly have ups and downs in our relationship, but one area that is never a problem is sex....
...I am very very very limited in what I feel comfortable doing, and he is genuinly not bothered by that. We have not actually had sex yet, and he's aware that it could be a very very long time before I am ready for that, and he is okay with that. For the first time in my life I feel valued as a person, not as a thing that provides sex.
rich
Courage To Heal is a challenge-- they weren't kidding when they named it that. One thing to remember, is that book is being written with a broad scope, to encompass what has happened to many different people. Not all things in there will directly pertain to you, but some things will be spot on and probably difficult to deal with as you explore your memories and feelings.
Remember that the woman who is providing the counseling at your center is doing it because she cares...about the people in her community. You are one of those people! She is offering her expertise in a manner that she is able to. Whether or not you can be comfortable about that is of course your own decision. I do agree that you perhaps see her a time or two more, with specific topics to be discussed, such as coping skills and processes for healing. Then you can do some work on your own, or with a 12-Step Group, or whatever. And if you need the counselor again, you will still have the remaining sessions left to you.
I wish you well on your recovery. It won't be easy, but I think that it will be worth it. And YOU ARE WORTH IT! Don't ever forget that!
...he is usually the person I turn to. I can turn to my best female friend, but I am not as comfortable turning to her. So, with my boyfriend temporarily out of the picture, your support and kind words mean so much to me. Thank you.
Edalji - Thank you, especially, for telling me that I am worth it. Amazing how much it does to hear that. Yes, I think your are right about seeing the cousellor. Of course, the more I think about it the more I realize that even if it only helps me a tiny bit, that is still a step forward! And, who knows,it may help a lot!
Yes, I am realizing that having no feelings about this is weird. I never noticed that before. I never understood why people expected me to be all upset and ashamed and crying about this, when I could discuss it as easily as I discuss as the weather!
(I was drugged & gang raped for 2-4 years. I only remember pieces of one night. The flashblacks are horrible. Not knowing vs. what I do know.... I barely remember anything from these years of my life. I can kind of relate.)
Hang in there! seek out local crisis centers, women's homes & violence centers for counceling & group support until you find a place you feel comfortable. =) They are good resources!
It's amazing, isn't it, our will to survive. I know a lady who, because of her terribly abusive childhood, developed several different personalities, and none of them knew each other. It was to survive. The person who was abused was not the person who got perfect marks at school. She said it was the only way to survive.
Thank you for taking the time to write. It is good to hear.