I’ve been dealing with this for such a long time, all alone that it’s just second nature for me to hide it. I’ve tried so many time to say something but never did out of fear and I just don’t think I can keep all this inside anymore. Earlier this year I tried therapy, but it still left me feeling lonely and I found myself still keeping secrets. 

When I was maybe 6 my older brother started to sexually abuse me. It was just touching at first and he would kiss me and since I was so little I never thought it was anything bad, it was just something that he was allowed to do. It was caught once, by a parent. All I remember is we were separated and both of us were yelled at, kept in “time out” for 10 minutes and that was OUR punishment, even though I didn’t know what was going on at the time, and like I had done something wrong.  

For the next 7 years the abuse got worse, to the point where I was touched and even penetrated. His favorite game was to play “doctor”, where he would do as he pleased and molested me while having his make shift condom made out of plastic wrap on.

I still can never wrap my head around how our mother never realized both of us disappearing into the same room for hours and nothing being suspicious. 

It finally ended when I learned what he was doing to me. How vile and disgusting it was. At the age of 13 I told him he would never touch me like that again. For 6 years following that, I’ve had to live with him, smile at dinner and pretend like I have my entire life that everything is wonderful and that I don’t secretly hate this person who was supposed to protect me. 

Last year I finally had the courage to tell someone, which led me to moving out away from the abuse and the horrific memories that haunted me in that apartment. When I told our mother she cried, asked a bunch of questions and then said the one thing that I feel I can’t ever forgive “I still love him though. He is my son.” 

I guess that me being your daughter means nothing then.

I told another family memeber, an aunt who asked all the same questions, but ended it the same “I will still love him”. 

After 6 years of being abused, stopping the abuse myself, and living with the abuser, repressing the memories and trying to deal with all of this alone for 17 years and I finally tell 2 people who I thought would do something, and all they can do is console me and then say it doesn’t make them love him any less....

I feel so hopeless and depressed now. Like I am going through the motions of life where I get up and work and then sleep. I’m not even sure why I am putting this up, I just feel like if I am surrounded by supportive people who have been though things like this then maybe I’ll be able to find the strength to heal and move on. I’ll never be able to forgive and forget, I just don’t want this to control me anymore. 

Any advise is greatly appreciated.