Lots and lots of therapy and support groups. Then I went to more therapy and support groups. There are no easier softer ways around going throw that fire.
I had a boyfriend who found out onhis own about recovery which helped a lo! He knew what to do to understand what was going on. He was very patient and generous. He was not out to get his and roll over. He held me while I cried and did not make me feel silly.
He was NOT my therapist nor did I put him in that role. Just iknowing and communication like a higher functioning couple.

Thank u for the support. I am going to try therapy. Its just hard finding the right therapist.

I wish I knew

Thinking of you a lot I am.
Big hugs to you.

I struggled majorly with intimacy and sex. It felt wrong and dirty and made me feel ashamed.
Talk to your partner and explain . You have been together for a long time and I am sure that means you are both important to each other. And it is good that he is aware of your past too.
Build a new experience together which will help you both feel loved, cherished and valued.
I really feel that lovemaking is a very important part in a relationship. It is not wrong etc. If between two consulting adults who care about each other it can be magical and new.

I have been doing CBT and it has helped me so much. My eyes have been opened and I am amazed to see that I am actually a different person to what I thought I was.
For me to overcome fears and bad feelings I had to face them.
I got over a lot and could make love with my partner. This got easier and nicer overtime. I did meet a new fear though which was as soon as my body reacted to what we were doing (pleasure) I had to stop what we were doing because I was overcome with a feeling of disgust. I didnt want to be touched no more and I felt really sick. Honestly physically sick, it made my stomach hurt.
I tried to explain it to my partner and he did not take it very well. He took it personally. I could not explain that it is because of my past and my body reacted when I was a little girl which means I am dirty. Because I did not enjoy what happened to me as a child and I knew what my Grandad did was wrong yet my body still reacted. That I found so mortifying and disturbing.
How can I enjoy being with my partner when they awake old feelings that I only connect to abuse???
That is how the CBT has helped me.

If we experience trauma in our lives our brain learns this and connects new scenes to bad experiences.
I needed to relearn these feelings and accept that what me and my partner do in the bedroom is healthy and loving and it is only between us. Why should I suffer and miss out on this lovely magical thing because of what my grandad did to me as a little girl. After all none of it was my fault.

I have found it to be a common thing where those who have been abused struggle afterwards with the feelings that they felt during the abuse and the way their bodies reacted. Of course the body reacts. It is natural and also self defense. Protecting you from being hurt further.

The one that helped me was to think about when I cut up an onion, although it makes me cry. I am not sad.

I am thinking of you and wish you all the best. You need your partner to be supportive. You never know if you take it slowly and gain trust in yourself you may be moving into a blossoming time of your relationship.
Most importantly, spend time alone and get to know yourself. Love yourself.

I tend to agree that trying the Cognitive Behavior Therapy may help. I already know from personal experience what doesn't help. Of course I already had a lot of anger inside of me and just ending up moreless comparing my significant other to my abuser. It felt like that at times. However, it was consensual each time. But I ended up just finally getting angry and literally accusing him of a sex offense and threatening to report him to the authorities. Nonetheless, I got a text from him that told me I had ruined his Christmas. Well, I obviously did and he ended it with me and no third chance. Not that I expected a third chance after a second one anyhow. Therefore, I've decided eversince that I must deal with what happened to me when I was a young teenager through therapy and other avenues before being able to even have a relationship. Since, you mentioned there were a few times where you did not cry. You could potentially evaluate those few times with other times in terms of your feelings, emotions, mood, etc. Or else anything that was different about those few times compared to the times when you cried and ended it. I know it I metioned comparison, but I think moreso evaluation is the better word here.

hi, I'm new here, however; It is what it is, and communication definately is key.

I've found it personally very beneficial to have Kinesiology and NET therapy from a licensced Phychologist who specializes in Positive Therapy focusing on my character strengths. It has released feelings of anger, guilt, being bad, etc...that I feel. I'm doing affirmations, and CBT, which; is working well. Spiritual counciling was recommened to me by her; as well; so I will give it a go.

I still have a very long road to recovery, as; I am just get started in therapy and searching for more help from professionals familiar and trained for my specific type of abuse. It is a lonely road at times, when family and friends don't support or understand - or even believe you.
I find spiritual modern spiritual music very uplifting-anything spiritual helps actually-for me personally. I find myself praying often-it's comforting to me and gives me strength to get through the tough times.
I hope this helps. Blessings

The first couple of times I had sex with my husband he did things that caused flashbacks and caused me to have a panic attack.

communtication and trust is honestly what helped me I told him things he could and couldnt do and i had to trust that he would listen and care enough to respect my wishes.

If its that hard to have sex then it is probably best that you seek more help learning coping methods it took me a very long time to be ok with even being touched.

I hope you feel at peace soon praying for you :)

I too have flash backs sometimes right in the middle of things, I even threw up on my ex husband once. I am very much in love with my boyfriend and when theese flashbacks happen, I open my eyes take a deep breath and remind myself where I am and who im with, and when im ok enough to continue, I do. Half the time when this happens my bf isnt even aware of whats happening..he thinks im just taking a breather

I usually don't share things like this in groups and all that but honestly hun I deal with the same thing. I sometimes cry, and sometimes I'm totally fine. Sometimes I just stay quiet and get really fidgety. It is really hard. From when me and my hubby first got together I was affected really bad by it because I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with someone who had a fetish with biting me and used me as his sex slave if you must. That relationship with all the other occurances that happened in my past have torn me up. But back to what I was getting to: Time has helped. The more I am with my hubby sexually the more comfortable I get with him. All these crying spells and all that haven't completely stopped and the thoughts are still there but it has gotten a lot better. I would say give it some time and make sure you tell your hubby how you feel about everything. Being honest with my hubby has helped a great deal, and I am glad that I let him into my personal demons. If it still continues I would suggest to seek some kind of therapy, it may help the both of you to learn to cope with it together. Good luck hun.

Another thing I have done is yoga. I have done yoga for 15 years with the same male instructor. He speciales in trauma. I adore him and I believe he is emotionally invested in me.
He has seen me process a lot of big feeling while in vulnerable poses on my back. He has made it ok for me to having my legs spread eagle and not flip out. He has made it ok for me to have pleasure that does not involve food or sex. He wants me to feel good in a non sexual non threatening way. I had detoxed a lot of body memories in his class. He was a witness to the tears and story. I felt the shame so deeply I was able to release it. Instead of fearing it and pushing it away I felt it intensely and released a lot of it.

When I go into the bedroom with my partner,
I did not feel like a piece of meat. I had had safe experiences that had nothing to do with sex. It did not feel like that is all my body was good for. I had had safe touch and attention that made the sex not feel dirty or intrusive.