So, .. about.. 2 years ago i believe, my mom met a man on instagram, he seemed cool i guess, i had known him because he was in a relationship with my friends mom. He had posted he was newly single and such and my mom flew to him like a fly to a heaping pile. He was nice, treated my little sister as if she were his own. He even did the same for me. I was about... 16. I was still very young looking and acting, easily comparable to a 12 year old. A year goes by, they've already been fighting alot due to intoxication, (nothing new with my mom, shes a happy drunk until offended.. and it doesnt take much to offend her when shes drunk) They'd break up every weekend it seemed, it was tedious but nothing violent. August of 2016 i try to kill myself in a bathtub, but because i have a fear of drowning, i couldnt go through with it. My mom finds out, and she asks her boyfriend what to do (i dont understand why either) and he suggest she should take my phone and ground me (?????) i had a nervous break down because i didnt have many friends out side of the internet and i have a fear of being alone. Its not like my mom wanted to hang out with me, i was too young. So i went a whole year. Grounded. While being grounded, my moms boyfriend came into my room with two beers. He wanted to get to know me better. He said he felt bad about grounding me and offered me a beer.. but told me i had to be quite so my mom didnt hear me getting drunk. It was alright i suppose, but then he started asking me weird questions... about my genitals and if i "actually enjoyed sex." At the time i didnt know better, (mainly because i was drunk and didnt really care) so i answered his questions. i kept them as PG as i possibly could. He made me think he couldnt believe i felt sexual pleasure at 16.... yeah okay dude... He then complained about me having small breasts and a small bottom. I got heated because im actually very vain and told him hes full of sh*t. So he asked me to stand up in front of him, and he felt me up, and pretended to be making an observation... i got creeped out so i sat down and sipped on my beer a little more before lying and saying i was sleepy. Just then, my mom came in, slurring her words a bit and asked him what he was doing in my room, he replied with "just appologizing for grounding her" she drunkinly smiled and asked him to come to bed. So he did and told me goodnight.
Stuff like this didnt happen again for a while.. until i met a boy (we'll call him travis for confidentiality sake) while i was out at the river with my mom and her boyfriend and my little sister. Her boyfriend knew this boy and they were actually family friends, his dad had left him in california, while he went to texas so he had no where to live, my moms boy friend invited him to live with us. It didnt take long for me to fall in love with him either, he was so handsome. The first night he stayed over, i had gotten really drunk because my moms boyfriend was sneaking me liquor everytime my mom left the room, He knew i liked Travis so he figured "why not get her drunk so she can have fun and hang out" atleast thats what i thought he was meaning by that. I got so black out drunk, when i got home, i was vomiting all over the place, Travis picked me up out of bed when he heard me choking and ran me to the bathroom so i could safely vomit (i suppose) But my moms boyfriend (lets call him Mark actually.) seen and from that moment, just utter blackness. 
The next morning, i woke up in different clothing.. even underwear.. Mark told me he had changed me so it was less obvious.. He claimed he didnt look.. but i felt super sore around my inner thighs and stomach. I figured it was from vomiting or whatever. ..

for the next 6 months.. things get worse.. Travis develops a drinking problem and becomes abusive... physically... 
so during that time, Mark began to .. advance himself.. after getting me drunk..it wasnt super frequent because Travis was around ..I had told Travis, and he felt concerned, so he told my mom.. but she told Mark.. and well.. Mark lied to Travis, and told him things about me that werent true... mostly that i was a liar and i just wanted attention... and that im a snitch... at the time i was 16 turning 17 and Travis was 19, he was worried that id call the cops on him.(because the legal age for consent in california is 18 and was NOT 18) but, eventually.. Travis had to go to Texas to find work,.. so he moved out.

and from then on... the rest of my time being in that house with Mark.. was a living hell.. 
Mark got more physical.. He would get me so drunk id vomit till id pass out.. and once he even stripped me completely naked and put something inside of me (i still dont know what it was, but i remember feeling it.) and claimed that having something inside of me, would help me feel less sick... and one night, i had woken up to him trying to hold me still on top of him.. with no pants or underwear on... and there was a sharp pain on my groin.. I still couldnt process what has happening and by the time i had, my mom was stomping into my room, and i was thrown on the floor and covered with a blanket. The next morning, Mark came in and made a joke "hey did you try to rape me last night? i had a dream you did.." and he laughed and said he was kidding....

months pass.. his attacks become so frequent, its every weekend after the football game... hed ask me sexual questions and try to touch me.. But i was building a tolerance to alcohol by then, and the more he did it, the more aware i was, the more i told him to leave me alone..

Then one night in February of 2017, i had just turned 18... and it was almost like a calling for Mark.. he came into my room and offered me vodka, i said "no i want to sleep, leave me alone, please" and he repeated this process until i finally took the shot glass from him and told him to get out. He asked me to come out and talk to him and when i said no, he shut off the internet.. (i was skyping with a boy i had liked) and the call cut out, so i panicked. and he said if i told him one more time,.. hed tell my mom im an alcoholic and that i tried to come on to him..(by this time, she was suspicious of me having feelings for Mark because of how much HE hovered me) so i drank with him and i started feeling really drunk, so i faked being black out, and made myself throw up.. but i exhausted myself and layed back on the couch and closed my eyes for a split second... next thing i know, hes rubbing me. so i jolt myself up and tell him to get away from me, my mom hears and comes out to see whats going on.. he lies and says we were "just talking".. and she bought it.. They went back into their room and started watching tv. the internet was still off and i was pissed. so i slamed on the door and screamed at him to let me in. Next thing, hes trying to hold the door closed while i push it open. suddently i see red and the door is off its hinges and my mom screams...
"go to BED DUMBASS" (i forgot to mention SHE did physically assault me quite a bit when she got drunk, once so bad i ended up in foster care with my little sister. but they had no real evidence so they let me and my sister go home) so this wasnt super harsh in my opinion, so i went to bed. i was still kind of drunk, so i went to try and charge my ipad so i could skype the boy i liked. Mark cut it off again. so i went in again, this time i had to physically fight to plug it in. He pulled the modem out of the wall and took it and stashed it in the closet. and told me to go to bed,, and he called me a sell out and that hed never let me see the light of a phone or computer again. 

so i went to bed and tried to sleep, i was upset and crying and trying to get my sister to go to sleep. but she was petrified. I finally got her to sleep some, and not much long after, Mark came into my room and began trying to take my pants down, i was half asleep, but i still tried to fight him off, i just kept slapping his hands away and telling him to go away. My mom heard and came in, and he tried to blame me... He left the room with her.. 15 minutes later, he comes back... tries to do it again, this time actually gets my pants down and spits on his hand, i cried out and tried to stop him, but he grabbed my wrists with his other hand. My mom came in and seen it.. but she thought it was consensual.. so she grabbed him my the collar and started fighting with him in the kitchen.. i crawled out of bed and tried to plug my actual phone in. but the charger was broken. and i heard a glass break in the other room. They had physically fought. The table was collapsed, the ceiling fan light bulb was shattered and there were glass plates all over the floor. I grabbed a table leg and ran into my moms room and swung at Mark. I hit him in the shoulder, but it didnt slow him down, so he grabbed me and threw me against the wall and began to grind against me laughing in my face. 
it got so much worse...
i ran away and went into my room to see if the phone was working, but he chased me and pushed me down on the bed, waking up my little sister. He got on top of me and tried to open my legs, so i kicked him. but it didnt work... so i kept doing it.. and nothing happened... 
He held me down by my neck and called me a "a dirty, lying whore" and he spit in my mouth. 
next thing i know, im on the ground, hyperventilating and reaching for my inhaler, He was on top of me and i couldnt breathe. i begged and begged for him to let me get it or atleast get it for me, but i was fading in and out,, and anytime i began to fade out, i went limp.. and had the worst out of body expirience. It was like i was standing over myself, watching it happen. As i was beginning to wake up again, i could feel him touching me, so id fight and fight, until id fade out again.. and this happened a couple times until my mom seen it first hand... when i woke up again, he was on the floor, curled in a ball and holding his nose. My mom broke his nose and had him on the floor, beating him. The rest is all a blur up until the next morning, when the police finally came.. they took me and my little sister, and my mom to the police station for questioning...

My mom made me drop the charges.. and he was never arrested for longer than a month... for unrelated crimes.

SO, for my safety.. my mom sends me off to live with my aunt.. and support my self.. she was indenile that he actually did anything.. and continued to date him up until recently.. when he began to beat her again.

Now my mom actually talks me like nothing ever happened....

...ive been having nervous break downs over the smallest triggers even.. sexual intercourse even triggers me sometimes. Im worried my boyfriend now is going to get sick of it.. and leave me.
Ive been expiriencing suicidal visions and thought too lately.. Barely even motivated to do my french homework for college. I cant get the visions out of my head.. theyre driving me nuts.. and even at times, I'll hear Marks voice in my head calling me a slut or a whore.. making it hard to do just about anything.. 

I tried therapy.. it did no good... and it was expensive as all hell. 
I dont know what else to do..