I've written before and began to get some helpful feedback answers for which I am so grateful, but I still feel quite lost and clueless. I have an abusive parent who is insanely mentally ill, acts like a child and even an infant somehow oftentimes, and sexualized me to ridiculous degrees. I had to act like a child too, as a young adult, and a lot of that was directly tied to the sexualization.
To be honest, there is a part of me that is remarkably intelligent, mature, funny, interesting, loving, entertaining, and etc. Or sometimes I'm just a kind, grounded person. But there is another part of me that acts so weird, so childish, is so tortured by a grotesque image of myself rooted in the sexual abuse...I am just beside myself. I don't know how to heal. I barely know how to begin. I know I have to get away from the parent. I want to add lol to that, but I know why I've been so stuck for so long from the trauma among other things.
The sexual abuse was real bizarre and unique in many, many ways and I was unable to recognize it for what it was until recently. There simply was no way for me to, since it was so weird, there is unbelIEVable amounts of denial in my family following suit with the denial (or rather lies) of the abuser, and I didn't find a therapist who really recognized what was happening and was educated about it, until recently.
So a (so far short) lifetime of psycho hell is finally beginning to burst open, and I don't know where to begin to try to heal. I feel almost just as trapped, traumatized, and helpless as I always have. Moving away may only be a very small help, because the entire state gets triggered by fear, bad boundaries, feeling watched, extreme stress, etc. =/