I have the same problem, wish I had an answer for you.

JulesHopeFaithLove11,

My gut reaction when I read this post was a sense of anger and I was trying to figure out where that came from. It took me awhile, but it finally dawned on me that it's the sense I get of victim talk here.

Every child who was every abused was victimized. But we are no longer children. However, when we continue to carry the mind-set of victim--we remain victims.

We would all like to forget about it, Jules but unless you want to continue to live a life of purposeless depression you are going to have to face and process your history.

I don't know of any other way to process a traumatic past except to talk about it with someone who is trained to work with survivors. There are different ways to "talk" about it with a therapist, i.e., sand tray work, art work, journaling, resource brain spotting, etc., so that the trauma can be approached gently.

To me, you have a choice: you can continue to engage in victim thinking in not wanting "to talk about what happened just forget about it," or you can move on by facing and processing your trauma.

The work is hard and scary but as far as I'm concerned a full, rich life is not possible without doing the hard work. You have added incentive to process the trauma because you have children. As you must know, what we don't heal in ourselves we pass on.

I can write a book on that having passed on stuff to my only child.

Take baby steps, but do step forward on your own behalf.
xx
SuzA

thanks for your reply...
I know I am now going to sound like I am making excuses, but its the only way.
There is stuff from my childhood that no one knows about and I really dont want anyone to know about it, it would cause so many problems and pain for many who are close to me and I dont want that.Yes I probably need to talk about it with someone, I have been to 2 counselors but it seems the more I hold off telling them stuff, the harder it gets to tell them...I need to go to a new counselor and just get it all out in the first visit, then at least its out there and they might be able to help me with it..... BUT, one thing I am afraid of is, my husband is a counselor and if it somehow gets back to him, then I dont know what would happen...He doesnt know the major stuff that happened to me as a child and I dont want him knowing...The reason being is because some of it was my fault, I made others victims, while at the same time being abused myself....doesnt make much sense when you dont know whats happened. I just wish I could go back in time and change things. I just wish I could just erase those years from my memory and move on.

JulesHopeFaithLove11,

You can't. You cannot go back in time and change things. You did what you did and nothing is going to change that.

What needs to change is the shame you have wrapped yourself in. Do you think you're the only one who "made other victims"??? Many survivors act out. I did.

Of course it's not okay. I'm not saying that it is. I am saying that it's not unusual. Tell me how a child who has been programmed to act sexually can know where to draw the line.

How can that child know that it's not okay to do to another child what was done to her? How? Does she have so much life experience and knowledge that she can make this distinction? Has she been raised with love and guidance and taught proper boundaries?

Hell, NO.

You have a fight in front of you Jules...because shame warps our belief system. It convinces us that we are disgusting and must hide our very self least the world discover who we really are...and spit us out as filth.

Stop your wishful thinking Jules...because it won't help you to heal. It's nothing more than a gap-stop to keep you from looking at what's really going on inside you--and from what really needs to heal.

Talk with your therapist. And you might consider talking with your husband at some point.

xx
SuzA

I went through 4 years day and night with the rapist on my mind, it was like a shadow by side, I traveled to California and met with my old therapist, over a week we did EMDR 2-3 hours, IT'S NOW A ALMOST TWO YEARS SINCE i DID THE eMDR AND IT DID WHAT SHE SAID IT WILL, THE RAPE TODAY IS ONLY A MEMORY IT DON'T HAVE THE POWER AND CHARGE IT ONCE DID, i OWE MY FREEDOM TO LIVE AGAIN TO emdr, try it what do you have to lose.

Sorry, dear, SuzA is right on. There's no way around it, only through it.

Keep in mind you don't have to tell a counselor everything on the first visit. You can even say, "I have some things that are hard for me to talk about. I need to know that I can trust you first. Can we make an agreement that I can bring up new things when I feel comfortable?" Any therapist worth going back to would say, "Of course" because that's how therapy works. I'm still telling new things to my therapist and I trust her completely and have been seeing her for 18+ months. But if you just let them know that you drop a big bomb at some point, it will make it easier for you because you know that they're expecting it.

Trauma, abuse, etc loom large and menacing when kept quiet. Talking and processing is the only way through it. Otherwise you will never get well.

Friends, commenters, therapists can only show you the door. You have to have the courage to walk through it. If you want a better life, you need to walk through it. It sucks, but you're not alone.

(Oh, and I wanted to tell you - many of us did things we regret as kids, especially when we were abused. I adore animals to no end. Today if you were to see me with an animals you'd never believe it, but I used to beat my dog when I was a kid. It makes me sick to this day. But I did it and there's no changing it. It just is what it is. My therapist helped put it in perspective when she said, "You know that's really common. It doesn't excuse it, but it does explain it. What would worry me is if you continued the cruelty now. But you don't because you have other choices, healthier choices, and you make them. That's a sign that you've grown and learned from your mistakes. There is no shame in that. What happened is unfortunate, but it's over and you learned and grew, and that's a sign that you're a good person." I'm not proud of beating the dog, but I am proud that I'm a kind person now because I can make that choice. What we did in our past is in our past. But, to be healthy, we need to make better choices today. One of those choices is getting help so we don't pass on the trauma we experienced.)