Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Trigger warning
Like my mind- this is all over the place...not really sure where to begin, but I have something to say.
Let me start with I grew up in a dysfunctional home where I felt unloved, ignored, and unwanted. By the time I was 12 I was raped.....bad. I tried to get help ,but was ignored and my own parents wouldn't listen. This started the cycle. I had no self- worth, or so I thought. By the time I was 15 I had been raped and molested multiple times. I kind of let it happen. I would say no and try to get away, but I wouldn't kick, scream, or punch. Like who does that? How is that not someones first instinct? To this day I do not forgive myself for that.
By the age 17 I had been raped by a boyfriend who wanted to get me pregnant to become a legal citizen. Then he ended up beating me everyday. I got away from that and decided I would bury myself in work and college and never go out. That worked until I was 23 and went on a business trip to vegas where I was drugged by a coworker...and well I don't need to say the rest.
Now at 26 I am married with 2 kids and the past has slipped out multiple times, which angers my husband. He has slammed me, blamed me, and told me he doesn't want to hear about it that it makes him to upset.
Therapy hasn't been successful for me as I can't find a good therapist and stopped trying years ago. I had this crazy notion that the more achievements I made the further I could run from this and leave it in the past. I am a scholar and multiple business owner and yet my past comes back to haunt me over and over. These forums are tough for me too.
I recently lost a baby 2 months into pregnancy which sent me into a horrible depression where I contemplated ending this all. Anytime my husband and I have a terrible fight I go right into 'im worthless" and even cut myself. I wore cut wounds on my wrist to my own wedding three weeks ago. These thoughts cross my mind way to often. I just think....death is so much easier than this. I want to live, but not like this. Is there an end in sight? Is there normalcy after this or am I just broken? I sometimes feel too broken for marriage or to be loved.
Like my mind- this is all over the place...not really sure where to begin, but I have something to say.
Let me start with I grew up in a dysfunctional home where I felt unloved, ignored, and unwanted. By the time I was 12 I was raped.....bad. I tried to get help ,but was ignored and my own parents wouldn't listen. This started the cycle. I had no self- worth, or so I thought. By the time I was 15 I had been raped and molested multiple times. I kind of let it happen. I would say no and try to get away, but I wouldn't kick, scream, or punch. Like who does that? How is that not someones first instinct? To this day I do not forgive myself for that.
By the age 17 I had been raped by a boyfriend who wanted to get me pregnant to become a legal citizen. Then he ended up beating me everyday. I got away from that and decided I would bury myself in work and college and never go out. That worked until I was 23 and went on a business trip to vegas where I was drugged by a coworker...and well I don't need to say the rest.
Now at 26 I am married with 2 kids and the past has slipped out multiple times, which angers my husband. He has slammed me, blamed me, and told me he doesn't want to hear about it that it makes him to upset.
Therapy hasn't been successful for me as I can't find a good therapist and stopped trying years ago. I had this crazy notion that the more achievements I made the further I could run from this and leave it in the past. I am a scholar and multiple business owner and yet my past comes back to haunt me over and over. These forums are tough for me too.
I recently lost a baby 2 months into pregnancy which sent me into a horrible depression where I contemplated ending this all. Anytime my husband and I have a terrible fight I go right into 'im worthless" and even cut myself. I wore cut wounds on my wrist to my own wedding three weeks ago. These thoughts cross my mind way to often. I just think....death is so much easier than this. I want to live, but not like this. Is there an end in sight? Is there normalcy after this or am I just broken? I sometimes feel too broken for marriage or to be loved.
Now every detail plays in my head. I can't do this. Im so much better than this. I worked so damn hard to stop this. I can't let this affect me.
I am so sorry your parents were not supportive. That was always my biggest fear too, so therefore, no one in my life except for my abusers know anything about it, except for the therapist I was seeing until she died of liver cancer. If you can't find a good therapist, you need to keep trying until you find one. I know it's hard, and as soon as I can actually afford to pay for therapy, I intend to find another one. This is not something you can or should go through alone.
As for your husband, someone in your other thread made a good point. Some people are just not emotionally equipped to handle it.
I too, was a cutter for years. I started at 12 and just stopped a couple of months ago. I also know how it feels to want to die and to feel broken and unworthy of love. Things may feel hopeless now, but they can get better. But not by running from it. You need to face it, as painful as it is.