Yesterday I figured out that I had been raped. I realized that my ex - who just so happens to live in the same house as me - had spent months manipulating me into having sex with him. I was convinced that he loved me, that he was doing everything for me, and that I was actually okay with everything that was happening to me. I told him I was scared of anything sexual, and often times I'd end up in tears. But a few days later, he just kept pushing, spending months working me until he could get me to the place he wanted me to be in. The first time we had sex, we were messing around, and I had made up my mind to trust him. He knew my boundaries, so instead of freaking out, I shut myself down and convinced myself it was alright. I didn't even know it was happening. I had to ask him afterwards whether or not we actually just had sex, because I wasn't sure. I spent over three hours crying on him that night, and he tried to sleep with me again two days later. 

I'm new to this. I never thought this was something that would happen to me. I thought I was too smart to miss the warning signs, but I guess I'm only human. It's a lot to process. I don't want to talk about it. I want to go about my life like it never happened - focused on the future without bothering to take time to admit to the fact that I'm not okay. But I can't do that, because I want to deal with this and conquor it head on. It sucks, I feel like absolute shit, but I refuse to let this get the best of me. But I need support to do that, which is why I decided to join this community - to seek out others who've experienced the same sorts of traumas, and work through our stresses together.