Hi, I'm new here, I joined today because i needed to talk about some stuff that i realized recently. I'm sorry for my english, it's not my first language.

When I was 14-15 I used to date a guy who was 2years older than me. He was my first boyfriend, my first relationship. I have to say that at the time i was struggling with depression for the past 3years, I was fragile psychlogically and emotionally (and young and naive). In the beginning of our relationship he was really sweet and caring, he also respected the fact that I wasn't really comfortable with too much physical touch because I was insecure about my body. After one month or so he began to be really insistent, he started to ask when I would be ready for our first time and that he was tired of waiting but i kept telling him that i wasn't ready for it. He began to say things like ''you don't really love me'' '' if you really loved me then you would do it with me'' and i felt really bad, i felt like he was right and he was my boyfriend after all, i should do it with him if i love him. I have blurred memories of our first time because he made me drink a lot and he took me to his place. I don't remember how we got to his place but I remember him trying to undress me, I said that i wasn't ready but he kept telling me that if i didn't do it with him I didn't loved him so i gave up and then it's the blackout. Next thing a remember is me waking up without clothes in his bed. I felt really bad, dirty, sick to my stomac. I told him that what he did was bad but he told me that i was okay with it because i ended up letting him do it and that he was my boyfriend so it was normal. We stayed together 1 year, during this year things like this happened multiple time, he often made me drink at parties and had sex with me, i told him that i wasnt okay with it, i didn't want it but he always told me the same things, that he was my boyfriend and that i always ended up saying yes. I remember clearly when he told me that he liked doing it with me when i was drunk because i couldn't fight back, he told it like a joke but it wasn't one but I thought at the time that it was okay because i loved him and it was his way of showing me he loved me too. (I forgot to say that i was often drunk because even when i was saying i did not want to drink he forced me too and like i've said, i was fragile and naive). It has also happened when i wasn't drunk (but most of the time i was), in time like that he would begin to touch me and telling me he want to do it and i would tell him no, clearly, saying that i'm not in the mood or just that i don't want to but he wouldn't stop touching me and asking me to do it and telling me that if i don't do it he would break up with me because it means that i didn't love him so, like always i gave up but i don't really remember the act really clearly because i usually would just block my brain from the situation and just wait until he's done.

I can also say that in the middle of our relationship he cheated on me and blame it on me, saying he did it because i wasn't doing it enough with him and that he didn't feel loved by me. That messed me up and made me feel like i was a bad person for saying no.I started to have nightmares about sexual abuse and rape but my naive self try to act like it was normal.

I am now 18 years old and I only realize now what he did to me. For the past 3years I've been scared of going out because I'm scared to see him or his friends, i thought it was just because i felt like a bad person for breaking up with him but it's more than that. I also don't let anyone touch me, only my best friend and my mom. I also feel sick when i meet someone with the same perfume than he used too. I recently began to have nightmares about it again... I could say a lot of other things but i think i'm going to stop now.

I write that because i needed to write it down and stop ignoring it. He messed up my vision of a relationship and of what sex is supposed to be, he messed up my vision of myself too and I don't know what to do. I am sorry if it's not in the appropriate group, i clicked on the first one, i'm not sure if what he has done to me is sexual abuse, rape, or psychological abuse, i think i'm scared to say what it was because it would make  it real but writting it down is the first step in the good direction i guess.

sorry again for my english...