How about the way you brought it up to us? I would have appreciated it if my ex-partner (HEAVY on the EX-) had asked where I stood on sexual issues before he assumed I was just a "jump in bed" type of person. My current partner and I both have lower sexual drives and that is cool with me. We have a deeper relationship from any of my previous ones, and when we have sex, it is a celebration type thing, rather than an expected "duty".
Of course, I am older and that may add to why I think this way. Also, your partner may be suffering with a medical issue like low testosterone - Depression, anxiety and the use of some medications (several of the anti-depressant family members) can bring this about.
Again, just be up front with him. Ask he what he wants from you in the relationship and how that ties into the sexual aspect of your being together - and then tell him what you desire. If you really care about each other, things may just fall into place. I bet the honesty will take some pressure off him also - many 30 year olds are aware that sex is usually a vital part of a relationship, and he may feel some self-pressure to perform in this way - that can be a real turn off if you are not in the mood. Sexual relationships can be difficult for survivors until a deep trust is established. I think openly approaching this subject is a good way to help establish this trust and to perhaps find a common ground.
Let us know how it turns out (no details needed!! LOL)-
Refuse2quit

Hi Allicat. I have found that sexual abuse survivors fall into two categories - not to say that more don't exist - but I see these two categories the most 1) those who define who they are by the amount of sex they have 2) those who avoid it at all costs. I fall into the 2nd and I have a friend who falls into the first. I find that our mindsets are in two different places. She feels she has no value except that of a sex partner. I feel I have value but the thought of sex is so distasteful that I don't have sex at all. Some survivors have sex but dread it every time. And they generally have sex because they think it's expected of a relationship.

I am of the opinion that there is so much more to a relationship than just sex. Thankfully I have a husband who understands what happened to me and that, right now, I am incapable of having sex. His understanding and belief that our relationship is strong and loving without sex has really helped me to heal. I know I am blessed to have him in my life.

Please be patient with your BF. He is hurting at a level so deep only he and a therapist can reach it. Sex is the least of his worries right now. I hope you can find the courage and patience to wait for him and to see that there is so much more to your relationship than sex. Sex is wonderful, but for a person healing from sexual abuse, it can be so emotionally painful.

Take care.

I agree with luck. I too am on the lower end with no sex drive. My advice is simple.

You need to decide how important is sex to u. My wife knows what happened to me. She knows why sex is not an important part to me. But to her its a big deal breaker so to speak and after 14 years. She had affairs to get what she was missing.

The moral if ss. Is important to you then he may not be the tug for you

Gettingitstraight I'm so sorry your wife has had affairs. That is not right. I know I am so blessed to have the husband I do and I always hope that others find the same thing I have. If you are still with your wife I hope you can work things out. If you have left her I hope you find someone who is understanding of you and your past.
Good luck and take care of yourself.

two more of my cents here-
I was hypersexual as a young man - I thought my value was based on the quantity and quality of sex I had. Then as I evolved in my understanding of the effects of abuse, my pendulum swung the other way and I wanted NOTHING to do with sex. Now years later, as my "inner turmoil" has somewhat settled, I am interested in sex again, but not to the point of it being a HUGE deal. I love when my partner and I have intimacy, whether actual intercourse is involved or not, and I love just lying in bed talking to him. For me a common ground has occurred. I think it is because he also is not constantly pressuring me for sex - he had his share when younger also. But, sex is no longer a No-No for me either. It is a spice that we add to our relationship on occasion but is not required all the time.
So I guess I am a third category of person - one who moved from stage to stage and now, happy with an in between.
Again, just my perspective on the subject.
And I do agree - it sounds like your partner is dealing with deep pain and the need for LOVE, not making love. But you have your needs and desires also to consider. It really comes down to how deeply you love this man - are you willing to risk that sex may never be something he is comfortable with? If he means that much to you then talk to him. Patience and understanding are called for here and he may have other issues that he needs to deal with - do you want to be there as he goes through them, or would you be better off with someone that doesn't have these issues in their past/present/future? Only you can answer that question my friend.
All my best to you an your partner.
Refuse2quit
P.S. Have you told him about this site? Perhaps he would benefit from talking about his struggle with some other survivors........

Also - just read through your post again and this hit me.
"I don't know how to approach sex with him so that he doesn't feel like I'm violating his personal space."
If he is in a relationship with you, SOME of his personal space (ie. sex as it pertains to you both) is also YOUR personal space. He is not only not having sex himself, but you are not either, so in relationships, personal space intersects at times.
You have rights in this relationship also, and I think a patient, understanding talk is definitely in order.
Just a few more of my cents!
Refuse2quit

Things have not gotten better. I want to be intimate with him, but when we're together it's like hanging out with my best friend and nothing else. Now I am becoming angry and rude because I want him and I can't have him. I really don't want anyone else but it's getting harder to refuse the offers.

My sex drive is lower than it has been in the past but I'm not dead. I want a man that even just touches me or kisses me passionately. Right now I'm just feeling ignored and unwanted, and it hurts.

I'm going nuts.

I will tell u i was married for 20 yrs and everytime i had sex with my husband had to take shower thought i was dirty. I got help and my new marrage is amazing in that area.

I personally do not think sex should be outside of marriage and that you should save it for marriage. I am an abuse survivor and if this is a serious relationship and you love the person and want his best interest at hand you will take the time and communicate with him and understand him . I am married and growing up I had to make people happy. I had to perform of sorts and if I did not I would be beat senseless. My husband does not pressure me for having sex. I repressed my memories and did not remember what I was and did. He is understanding and takes my needs into consideration. I feel that you have to build a relationship on more that just that part of a relationship. I would focus on who he is as a person and do things that would encourage each other. He has to heal as a person and not every relationship has to be the same . Communication is a good a good start.

I thought we had great communication and in everything else we do. The past couple months I feel like he doesn't understand my needs ~ sexual need. I feel like I'm pressuring him and I don't want that. At this point if he wanted sex I would feel like it was because I've kind of begging or pressuring him for sex and I want him to want me.
"
When I sent him a text message that I said "I want him to want me" he told me I'm being dramatic. I don't think I am. I think if the shoes were reversed he'd feel the same way I do.

I do wonder if I hadn't heard from 3 different men that want me if I would be so needy. It's nice to be wanted. I don't want anyone else, but he is making it very difficult.

He has missed several appointments for his sex drive issues, but he has missed them all. He hasn't rescheduled the appointment's either. His lack of enthusiasm hurts.

He wants to marry me, and I want to marry him. I'm working hard to talk to him, but he isn't getting my point of view. I know things will get better I just need to have sex more than once or twice a year.

I'll keep trying to communicate with him.

Thanks all ~ Frustrated

HELLO, DO YOU LOVE EACH OTHER? IF HE HAS NO DESIRE OR PASSION THEN HE SHOULD NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU NEED LOVE AND PASSION, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ABUSE, MY H WAS NVER PASSIONATE, BECAUSE HE LIED AND WAS NEVER IN LOVE, I HAD BEEN ABUSED ,AND WANTED SO MUCH TO BE LOVED, HE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ALSO COMMITTED ADULTER, IS THER SOMETHING HE IS NOT TELLING YOU, BECAUSE THIS IS VERY STRANGE***

You just need to reassure him you understand and go slow

My husband was abused and I didn't know 7 years into the relationship. I understand your fee
lings. I felt very much that way when I didn't know why he acted the way he did at times. I still don't sometimes. It can feel conflicting. B/c I'm believing he feels conflicted by the abuse he feels. I don't know but how loved ones feel rubs off on us who love someone in any relationship.

My husband felt I was pressuring him. I had no idea why. It feels personal but it's not. My husband has a low drive. It depresses him. A person feels like they are lacking and are aware they have a low drive (from my observation). My focus for him is on being positive and supportive. The question really is can you handle the low drive he has? This is a difficult time for him seeing as he is in rehab. I would maybe speak to a councilor if they allow that where he is at? My husband is 42.

This feels new for me also even after 7 years. It gets better. We have really grown as a couple. It's a learning process. It's terribly sad. It can be emotional for me at times comprehending the affects.

I'm glad you found DS! It's helped me:) I've introduced DS to my husband also. You seem to care deeply for your boyfriend. You have a friend in me if you want to talk. You are not wrong In your feelings what ever you choose. Word of advice try to just hang back and be supportive. Sex is of importance in a relationship for most people. Just think over things or maybe not think at all and just be there. In rehab he should focus on this right now. I have found in my relationship sometimes my husband needs his space while dealing with issues. He is able to express this and I give him his space. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but I do the best I can.