Hugs crystal xxx I still have to be around mine sometimes. airs really hard so I understand the heartache

You're so strong. The fact that you haven't just cut off that side of your life because family's important to you shows so much strength. You'll be better to your children. You'll make sure they never feel like you wouldn't give the world to them.

Does your mom know what he did to you? Could even asking her to stop talking about him/sending pictures be an option? Not the full on request for her to stop talking to him.

@ debvvless
Thank you so much. That means a lot.
I am almost certain she knows - the guy would come over multiple times a week, come into my bed room, close the door, and molest me while my mom was either down stairs or in her room, he would do inappropriate things to me in front of my mom as well, my mom has a habit of not believing in people who have been sexually abused, often saying they obviously wanted it, or are lying which makes me sick to hear her say things like that. So honestly to answer your question I dont know if she knows-or if she would respect me, to stop talking about him\showing me photos of him, i wish i had more options. And i wish i had a honest relationship with her but she has bipolar disorder and doesn't take medication so i never know how she may react and sometimes her reactions scare me. I told her my ex girlfriend (im lesbian) had a crush on her fiance, she threatened to get her fiance to beat her up, but at the time she was 16 and she was being serious even though she was underage. Her reactions can either be way too small or way too huge. I truly wish my family life wasnt so complicated, its like im always walking on ice, The only person who knows about all this is my dad, I'm lucky i can at least trust him (for the most part) and he respects my boundaries

Wow, it sounds like you've had a really hard upbringing. A mom struggling with bipolar on top of that. You must've had to grow up really fast. No one should have to go through all this.

Your profile says you're 20, does that mean you're out of the house? It sounds like you're surrounded with toxic triggers when you're home.

I can see you one day, living with your wife, free from the abuser and memories. When she smiles at you, she makes you feel whole. And she loves you because you are the strongest woman she's ever met. The way you speak of your struggles comes across with such strength... you've gone through things most do not. And when you break free from it all, you'll be an even better person.

Sending you hugs and support

@debvless
Thank you so much, it means a lot someone is acknowledging that I had a hard upbringing, being home-schooled most my life it became very easy to believe what my home life was like, was normal and every kid went through it, I don't open up about my life often to people and when i do i tend to touch on lighter subjects, and not the heavy stuff, still I'll always assume people wont believe me.
So i cant thank you enough!
Luckily- my dad lets me live with him (as of a year and a half ago) I am currently 18, almost 19, (I am not sure how to change your age on here haha) and I'm not yet mentally well enough to have a full time job and fully support myself on my own. But he respects me and lets me do my thing, which is really nice. Luckily there arent many triggers here, those are mainly at my moms, I visit as often as i can, and when i do i guess i try and focus on the fact they are family and i love them. I just wish i felt safe there. I never know if my abuser will pop by. And ofc I have to live with cptsd so even when I am not at my moms, I tend to get flashbacks very often.
Thank you again! That's how i want my future to be, with two kids, and a dog, I honestly cannot wait till then.
xx