Hi Star.

Many people feel the way that you do, and I've seen victims abused verbally because their body worked the way that it was designed to work. At the age of 10 you are just starting to develop your sexual identity and it is impressionable to be influenced by those around you.

I am so sorry that you had to experience this and that nobody has taken the time that you have needed to work this out.

I know that my therapist instructed me to accept that the bad feelings are real, when they are too strong to fight. The time to fight them is when they are weak ... that is the time to think about what happened in a more rational way. It's slow, but it has worked for me.

*hugs*

i feel a lot like that too..

Hello Star.
I too felt the same too when I first escaped from being raped for many years.I felt really dirty and depressed to the extand of thinking to just end everything.I remembered how I had to control my urge to bed men just because I felt empty and just need to get this feelings away.After that,I felt more and more dirty.
I am really sorry for what happened to you.No one should have gone through this.I am always here so do message me if you feel like talking to me.
(aot of hugs)

I hated myself for years. I only got into therapy when I was 40 years old. After years of therapy for the sexual, emotional and physical abuse by this foster family, I can now say that I no longer hate myself. I realized that I was too small to protect myself. When I got married I acted out with other men, but....what I found out is in having sex with other men I was consistently acting out the sexual abuse. I felt this was all I was good for sex. My abusers set me up to believe that I was only good for their pleasure. I also believed that sex was love. It was the only attention I received in the foster home. I have forgiven myself for all the things I did to get love.

Yes this is very normal. I feel exactly the same way. It's how it works. All the mind games, guilt and shame. How do we get over these feelings? I have waves of anger and sadness, but ocasionally I fight for my control back. That is what we are allowing our abusers to be...is in control. I HAVE to take my control back!!!!! I HAVE to realize that this not currently happening to me it is over, it's the past. It's all like re-wiring the brain.It's been wired wrong for so long, from when the abuse happened to how we go through the cycle of self loathing, when we choose to fight it we are doing the re-wiring; and slowly we will have glimmers of having some contol back. The real trick is seeing ourselves as survivors and not victims. To fight for ourselves the way we would fight for someone else who went through this. We are just have to show the empathy, compasion and care that would give to that person to ourselves. We would never call someone dirty, worthless or say" you wanted it because you got off" We know it wasn't right for that to happen to them and it was also not right when it happened to us. The body responds to sensations whether vountarily or not. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Try to forgive yourself and I will continue to strugle to forgive myself too. I wish you all the best and hope you can have some normalcy back in your life.

Yeaahhh for having a therapist!! That is a huge sign of self love. It is a huge step you have already taken.
It is shame I am hearing from your post. That shame belongs to the criminal that abused you. It is ok to feel as if you gave it back to perp(s). It is their black sickness. You were innocent. Now you are a survivor. Give it back!!! Whatever you feel you need to do (but safely). Give it back. A letter that may or may not get sent. Yell at perp intherapists chair. I am at support group need to go have meeting. The point is what would fill your soul to give back blackness.
Take care

Hello,

MY 11 year old son was sexually abused by his mom.. Horrible, I cold not get rid of her fast enough. My son is 25 now, and she bribed him constantly with this and that.. Well she just died, he is so angry, He does not want to talk,, I raised him mainly by myself...I am sad he does not want to talk, her family is sugar coating his mom, I bet he is confused.. I am wishing I could get him to counseling with me.

I just have a hard time understanding as a caring father just what is going on in his mind.. he is nice then he isn't then he is then he isn't.......on and on.. Now that she has died.. I just don't knwo what to do.. He is so angry.......I have to not let it take me down.. it does and I have to catch those feelings.. How can we get this on the right path??

A 62 year old parent who loves his son.. just want him happy...

hi thanks for all your kind words I just dont know how to get past this feeling of being dirty and feeling ashamed of what happened to me I know the shame belongs with the person who abused me but it is not that easy I wish it was any ideas how I can go about trying to put this abuse behind me.?

Fathergene
Thank you sooo much for stepping up for your son. It is so amazing that you were able to be the loving parent. I am sorry to say no one can make him be ready to face this. It is on his time. Unfortunately it is hard to be a good parent walking his child emotionally go under for the third time. If his mother just died, he will have a shift. Either her death will make him free to come out about this OR consider this dead as his mom. The only thing you can do is wait and see. All you can do is wait to offer help. I would suggest therapy for you and 12 step co dependents anonymous for not taking on his life yourself.
Sorry Star for stepping on your thread.

Fathergene

I so glad that you are there for your son if he needs to talk to you, I wish I had that type of support from my family but I don't my abuser was a family friend and so my parents don't beileve me when I finally found the couarge and strength to tell them what there friend was doing to me so the abuse continued as much as I blame my parents for what he did to me I can't help but think what I could have differently to stop my abuser for using me I know that is silly and I couldnt have stopped him I am just in so much pain and have so much shame and anger towards myself I what to be free of this crap but I know I never will be again well done for being there for your son and he will talk to you if and when he is ready

Star, are you in ongoing therapy? that would be so beneficial for you. As for the self hatred, and shame etc., try to let it 'burn through you' - and remind yourself that it is a DISTORTED IMAGE of you. Nothing to do with reality.