Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I am struggling with this issue and have been for years. I am wondering if there are others that are too.
I struggle with weight issues. I have been thin to fat. When I was 9 I began eating until I vomited. If i remember it was just after the abuse ended or during the last few months of it.
One theory is that I made myself fat so men would not be attracted to me.
Maybe.
The other theory is close but with a twist. I made myself fat to keep myself under control. I have few boundaries sexually and end up only having sexual relationships but no true emotional intimacy.
I am just very puzzled as to why when I was a kid i would eat until i vomited. I don't think I would have connected being fat with being undesirable at that age. At least I didn't remember associating the two.
Am I alone in this or are there others that feel imprisoned by their own creation?
I hate myself so much. I am disgusted by myself. Odd thing is that i felt that way when i was thin too. It is like my body betrays me.
I go through years of celibacy broken up by periods of multiple partners, group sex, casual sex, lots of kink. Feast or famine.
Even writing this makes me want to flog myself...just to feel the pain.
I struggle with weight issues. I have been thin to fat. When I was 9 I began eating until I vomited. If i remember it was just after the abuse ended or during the last few months of it.
One theory is that I made myself fat so men would not be attracted to me.
Maybe.
The other theory is close but with a twist. I made myself fat to keep myself under control. I have few boundaries sexually and end up only having sexual relationships but no true emotional intimacy.
I am just very puzzled as to why when I was a kid i would eat until i vomited. I don't think I would have connected being fat with being undesirable at that age. At least I didn't remember associating the two.
Am I alone in this or are there others that feel imprisoned by their own creation?
I hate myself so much. I am disgusted by myself. Odd thing is that i felt that way when i was thin too. It is like my body betrays me.
I go through years of celibacy broken up by periods of multiple partners, group sex, casual sex, lots of kink. Feast or famine.
Even writing this makes me want to flog myself...just to feel the pain.
My therapist also explained that when we eat to make ourselves gain weight we are essentially attempting to insulate ourselves from what hurts us. I'm not sure it works, but it does seem to be what many people do so there must be some truth in it.
I also, at times, want to eat to the point of vomiting. For me, this is punishment. The thought process that goes along with this is "I deserve to throw up (something I am very fearful of doing)" Sometimes I feel I deserve the pain and fear and it comes out in this behavior. I still do this occasionally but I'm much better than I was.
I have a much better body image now than I ever have. I started working on my body image at least 15 years before I even remembered I was abused. I started small. I found one aspect of myself I liked and every time I looked in a mirror and thought "UGH! you are so fat and ugly!" I changed it to "I have pretty eyes". For a long time the sentence went like this "UGH! You are so fat and ugly you have pretty eyes". I did this at least once a day and eventually I found myself looking in the mirror and immediately saying "I have pretty eyes. Oh, and I'm fat and ugly". Once I had this down I was able to move to another body part like my smile, my hair, my nails, etc. It took me a long time to change my thinking to "I love who I am and how I look" but I did do it. I can now look at pictures from when I weighed 272 pounds (my highest) and find beauty in that sad girl looking back at me. I am now 194 pounds and very comfortable at this weight. I feel beautiful and very comfortable in my own skin. Something I can't say I felt when I weighed 150.
I know how hard it is and I'm sorry you have to experience it. Our society is unfairly brutal on the overweight which makes it even harder to love who we are. I hope you can find peace with yourself and your body. It's wonderful when you do.
Take care
eating is comfort for some people, almost as comforting as sex.. so its normal that you used it as an escape from the reality of what was happening or happened to you when you were younger.
the sex issues, i am the same in that aspect too.. i was very promiscious , have done a lot of things similar to those you listed, and now even with a boyfriend i fantasize of having sex with multiple partners and group sex as well.. normal for an abuse victim