Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
......so why am I still being a witch?
I have so much stress right now. My daughter is causing a lot of it and that is a work in progress so no fast and easy solution.
I have been getting periodic flashbacks since beginning therapy in June or July. The latest one is about my daughters father.
TRIGGER WARNING
One night while we were having sex he suddenly decided to penetrate me anally. I wasn't expecting it. Had never done it before and it hurt like hell. I told him to stop. He ignored me. I yelled at him to stop. I slapped him. I bit his arm. I kicked. He continued on. Finally I put my face into the mattress and willed my body to relax so it wouldn't hurt as bad. Emotionally I was devastated. After I curled up on my side and cried. He went to sleep.
I never considered it rape but the memory tonight brought back that feeling of pain, fear and emotional hurt. Maybe it was rape???? I don't know.
Anyway....I seem to have slipped back into the men hating mode. I am irritable and have little tolerance for what I perceive as misogynistic statements by men. I know my perceptions are clouded right now.
My therapist is male and I keep thinking he hates me. I am not sure if I should mention it to him. I am afraid to tell him what happened between my ex and me that night. I'm afraid he will say I was over reacting.
I am not sure of much these days.
I have so much stress right now. My daughter is causing a lot of it and that is a work in progress so no fast and easy solution.
I have been getting periodic flashbacks since beginning therapy in June or July. The latest one is about my daughters father.
TRIGGER WARNING
One night while we were having sex he suddenly decided to penetrate me anally. I wasn't expecting it. Had never done it before and it hurt like hell. I told him to stop. He ignored me. I yelled at him to stop. I slapped him. I bit his arm. I kicked. He continued on. Finally I put my face into the mattress and willed my body to relax so it wouldn't hurt as bad. Emotionally I was devastated. After I curled up on my side and cried. He went to sleep.
I never considered it rape but the memory tonight brought back that feeling of pain, fear and emotional hurt. Maybe it was rape???? I don't know.
Anyway....I seem to have slipped back into the men hating mode. I am irritable and have little tolerance for what I perceive as misogynistic statements by men. I know my perceptions are clouded right now.
My therapist is male and I keep thinking he hates me. I am not sure if I should mention it to him. I am afraid to tell him what happened between my ex and me that night. I'm afraid he will say I was over reacting.
I am not sure of much these days.
So far, if memory serves, your therapist has not judged you. You have told him many things that were difficult and yet, he still has not judged you. Please tell him about this because it is something you need/deserve to heal from. If it helps, don't label it 'rape' when you talk to your therapist. Instead focus on the feelings that came up then and now. But Cecil...it WAS rape.
Take care
Why are you still being a witch?
Because you WERE violated.
And, Cecil, it doesn't really matter what your therapist might say because the truth is that what you think/feel is the only gold standard where you are concerned.
Let him help you navigate this valley, but don't give your power away. He can help by teaching you ways to gauge for yourself whether you're overreacting or not.
Listen to your body. Trust yourself.
xx
SuzA
It can be so hard to pull ourselves out of that place of hurt and pain. None of us can help what was done to us, while we were powerless to stop it, but we can decide today to not let that thing/person/event defeat us and keep us from living the life God has for us.
I'm praying for you to find the strength and courage you need to keep fighting toward your healing and true happiness. Bless you!
Years before him I dated another man who couldn't accept NO for an answer. I accepted sex being forced on me as just part of a relationship even though it made me angry and ....I can't find the other word....beyond sad. It crushed my spirit. I wanted love and it hurt terribly to think that love had that kind of price tag.
That 'beyond sad' feeling... I know it well. I call it anguish.
Here is hoping that 2014 is a wonderful year for all of us!
I also have a good feeling about 2014!
SuzA