Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hi. I am in the process of recovery from a very intense very unique kind of sexual abuse. (This process of awareness and recovery is fairly new for me.)
I feel like a disgusting, utterly demeaned little girl. I often feel like my body is really disgusting. It's very hard to explain. If I look in the mirror, I see a very normal-looking, attractive young woman (usually). I know my body is normal. But oftentimes (not looking in the mirror)..this feels so weird to say because I don't mean it to a delusional degree, but I feel like I have a monstrous, gross, maybe not even human body. I KNOW that's not the case, I just feel that gross.
When that fades, I often feel like a very demeaned little girl. My abusive parent is very mentally ill and literally acts like a 3 year-old. In order to avoid being physically abused, and in order for them to feel loved by me (which I had to make them feel), I had to act like a 3 year-old too. Like, almost literally. I have healed from acting that way quite a lot.
But, in my process of healing, I just keep seeing myself as almost like a little 4 year-old with her head down, body rigid, feeling utterly silenced, and utterly demeaned.
There is so much unbearable shame about the sexual abuse and my participation in an emotionally intimate relationship which made me be a disgusting person and have disgusting feelings. Even though, after therapy yesterday, I really realize I had 0 choice. "Participating" and being that person WAS my actual, literal survival. Still, so much shame..
I feel like a disgusting, utterly demeaned little girl. I often feel like my body is really disgusting. It's very hard to explain. If I look in the mirror, I see a very normal-looking, attractive young woman (usually). I know my body is normal. But oftentimes (not looking in the mirror)..this feels so weird to say because I don't mean it to a delusional degree, but I feel like I have a monstrous, gross, maybe not even human body. I KNOW that's not the case, I just feel that gross.
When that fades, I often feel like a very demeaned little girl. My abusive parent is very mentally ill and literally acts like a 3 year-old. In order to avoid being physically abused, and in order for them to feel loved by me (which I had to make them feel), I had to act like a 3 year-old too. Like, almost literally. I have healed from acting that way quite a lot.
But, in my process of healing, I just keep seeing myself as almost like a little 4 year-old with her head down, body rigid, feeling utterly silenced, and utterly demeaned.
There is so much unbearable shame about the sexual abuse and my participation in an emotionally intimate relationship which made me be a disgusting person and have disgusting feelings. Even though, after therapy yesterday, I really realize I had 0 choice. "Participating" and being that person WAS my actual, literal survival. Still, so much shame..
YOU are NOT disgusting. i'm sorry that i'm not really in a psychological/mental state to have any advice right now...but i hope that this feeling passes. keep your head up. you're not alone (even though you may feel like you are)...