Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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frusciante 11/29/2011

This may possibly contain triggers..

I don't know if I should really discuss this here, I really don't know where else to turn to.

For quite a while now, and this has been off and on, I have been having a lot of issues with being anywhere near intimate with my husband... and it's not just him, it's been with everybody.
I really hate talking about this, as I feel its embarrassing and I feel quite ashamed in a way. Towards myself anyway.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do, I feel as if I lack normality. And I realize a lot of survivors of incest go through this... I didn't know if anyone found a way past this. I still haven't, as much as I try to block things out while we are together.
It makes me horrible, because now he thinks there is somebody else or that I am totally not interested in being with him anymore.
I can understand his frustration, but I don't believe he fully understands mine.

This is really hard to talk about.
I know he tries, but he hasn't gone through it, so he can't fully grasp it.

He says, well forget the past. So I tell him, look, something like this sticks with you... It's emotionally scarring.
I want to wrap myself in a blanket right now and just cry.
I don't see a therapist right now so I really don't know what to do... how to condition myself to where I can let myself know that I am not going to be harmed by him.
But every time I feel pressured. And it's not like he pressures me.
I just feel so stuck. Lost.

I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to post anything like this, again, I don't what else to do at this point... and I'm just looking for any bit of hope left for me.

Thank you.

deleted_user 11/29/2011

I know how you feel. I'm going through something similar right now, It's a mix of fear with having flashbacks and dwelling on my incidents if I do get intimate. It's terrifying. I agree that, some ppl do not understand the full impact that we go through, when put through such trauma. It doesn't end that day, it stays with us, and it comes up at different times, despite how much we try to control it, despite our different phases of healing....This is something very hard to understand, and it hurts.

I posted something kind of like this under SHOULDN'T AFFECT ME, in both this group and the rape group. Maybe some of the responses will help you. They really helped me. Give it a read.
Hugs to you
~Elle

deleted_user 12/02/2011

I.ve gone through the same thing, it will be very hard to get over it, hell it took me years to get over. But now the past is behind me, group therapy really helps. I know its hard to talk about but trust me you'll feel better if you do, you'll find that talking about your demons helps them go away.

deleted_user 12/03/2011

I don't know how much this might help you, but my husband and I came up with some rules near the beginning of our relationship. In my case, I couldn't stand being touched at all, even innocent things like hugging, hand holding, or cuddling. I realized that my fear stemmed from the belief that these non-sexual forms of contact were just the beginning steps that would lead to inappropriate touching. Being honest with my husband, we came up with a rule that there would be no sexual contact unless I initiated it myself, and when initiated, he's only allowed to touch me if I give permission. This really helped me to feel comfortable being physically close to him, though I still get easily startled if he suddenly comes up behind me for a hug while I'm busy with dishes or whatnot.

It's still a bit difficult in that I rarely feel comfortable initiating sexual activity, and often feel guilty for the rarity of such occasions.
Part of my fear of initiating sex is that in his excitement, he might forget the rules, but so far that hasn't been the case. I wouldn't say we have a normal marriage, but we've been able to make it work pretty well.

Maybe you could analyze what scares you about physical intimacy and come up with boundaries that might make it less frightening. If your husband cares about you enough to respect those boundaries, it can really help build trust and feelings of safety, and allow you to move at a pace you're comfortable with.

deleted_user 12/07/2011

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru!

I hate the "just forget the past" line. Just retort with "so the moment you die I'm just supposed to forget about you, right?". I mean it's the same principle, we can't just forget significant things from our past.

I dated this guy who also was sexually abused. I work on my healing whereas his attitude was "it's in the past, just forget about it". He refused to even acknowledge his sexual issues (didn't make for fun times), because they related to the abuse, whereas at least I was willing to work on mine. Point being, pretending to forget, denial doesn't work.

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