Hi,
What you are going through is very overwhelming. You need all the help and support you can get.
What he did was a crime not just wrong.
And the first thing I would do is make sure the girls are safe and helped with the processing of the trauma. This is the most important part.
Second there are organizations for victims of sexual abuse in your area I am sure that can help with ideas and accompany you in this process.
Your father needs help that you cannot give him. But the pattern of abuse has to be stopped.
People don't understand how can somebody so that they know can do such thing and they can be very cruel to the victims.
Try no contact at least for a while. You cannot fix it. Just go through it and win.

I haven't personally been through this but I have heard many, many stories on here about how people viciously turned against the person who outed a sexual predator. Mothers turn on their abused daughters, so thank goodness you are there for your daughters. I think incest is so heinous that people would rather believe we are sick and crazy than believe that someone in their family would do anything so gross. It turns their whole sense of reality upside down in a way that is apparently pretty unbearable, so they turn on us and blame the victims. I guess blaming the victim feels safer than admitting your world and your own family are so much less safe and wholesome than you thought.

By the way, I have not met a case of sexual abuse or other kind of abuse really, where the predator did not blame the victim of being insane or unstable. That's their go to move.
I have experienced victim blaming as well.

I'm in the middle of a court case where my stepfather is on trial. I didn't choose to press charges but something the courts decided to do after the police did their investigation. my mother is against me for this and blames me. I think regardless of what you do there will be people against you but I would hope that you as a mother would stand for your girls and be an example of strength in the face of something incredibly scary. if you play a passive role and consider it done I would worry your daughters would take a very unhealthy lesson from this and go on to live lives that lack that strength.
there was a time when my stepfather was being inappropriate, not criminal but very inappropriate, my mother simply closed the door and walked away. having a parent who knows but does nothing may cause more pain that what the perpetrator did, I would hope you chose to be their biggest and loudest advocate and regardless what family may say, stand for what is right for your daughters.
wishing you the best during this horrible time.

I am so angry and frustrated. My daughter reported the abuse to the police and they went to speak with my father twice who denied anything ever happened. He is so manipulative that the cops said to my daughter, do you know how sick your grandfather is? So more than likely there will be no charges pressed against him. My daughter is devastated since she feels no justice has taken place. She is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and he has placed her on so many meds that I think they are doing more harm than good. How do I help her? I am so afraid of losing her because of what happened to her,.

Validate her feelings. Let her know that you are with her on whatever she feels. Let her know that you don't agree with the cops and consider it a gross failure to perform their duty. Maybe even write to the district attorney or a legislator to complain, and let your daughter see this. Don't let yourselves be silenced and shut down by the police.

Even if they don't go forward with pressing charges against your father, it will mean the world to your daughter that you stood by her and fought for her. The symbolic meaning of this action is far more important than the legal outcome.

Your 'Dad' should be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life for what he did to your Daughters.

The anger continues and it seems as if no matter how much I try to support her and talk to her, she can't shake it. I know how she's feeling since every morning when I wake up it's the first thing on my mind, continues to be there all day and when I go to sleep it's the last thing on my mind. There is no justice in this world for her. Just found her hysterical crying because everybody has turned against her and chose to believe the great liar. I am so afraid and although she is receiving counseling and seeing a psychiatrist, nothing seems to help. At this point I don't know how to help her. Does it get better?

There are so many routes to go here that I find it difficult to comment

I believe that pushing victims to press charges or testify can be harmful. When the victim is pre-teen then the parent must make the choice. I have heard from several victims who were now adults that the court process hurt them further.

I also believe that for society's protection all sex offenders need help. Most have a false set of perceptions and beliefs that _can_ be overcome, even though their core desires might not change, their ability to manage can. If your father can still be a risk to girls, then it is a civil responsability to try to get him to help ... either voluntarily or by force. Here in Canada an abuser is protected from being exposed unless he is a present immediate risk to a specific child.

The niece is either trying to protect her vision of her family, or conceal abuse in denial. This secondary abuse is tough. It is possible that your father abuses as a response to certain stressors - meaning that it is possible that he is not constantly abusing girls. From your own past you can figure out whether he is "always in the abuser phase of the abuse cycle" or "off and on".

What is "justice"? Is it him being honest and seeking help, or being sanctioned by a judge? You are the victims and you must feel satisfied that you tried to do everything you could.

If he does not admit what he is, then he will always be a higher risk to repeat.


lostnit. ...

It looks as though you are still a teen, therefore the 'system' likely has the right to go ahead. Where I live, police can also press charges when a woman appears to be beaten and refusing to talk.
I am so very sorry that your mother is not standing beside you - I've seen cases where parents allow their children to be in inappropriate situations because the (usually man) has financial leverage, or otherwise pleases the lady. Your mother also "needs help". If she allows you to be in such a dangerous situation, then you have to parentify yourself or spend time in places where the adult supervision presents good values.

Please take care of yourself too. The worst is over for now, but you have to take care.

Peace to both of you.

You are not alone...I've gone through the same thing with my step dad. We had no justice either and my step dad even took and passed a polygraph to say he didn't abuse My daughter. The best advice I can give you is let them go. Their is no reason to keep people in your life that aren't for you and your children. Find people that will love you and your children and will stand by them no matter what. It is very hard but you aren't alone, I have no contact with all of my immediate family.

Sorry you are going through this. Get counseling and move on to better people.

I was your daughter. My family told me if I pressed charges I'd be taken away. Stand by your daughter. Let her know you believe her and anything she thinks she needs to get past this you will support. When they started me on all my meds they did do more harm then good. Make sure her docs are ones that not only listen to how the meds are working with her but that they ask a ton of questions about side affects. As for the family members that don't believe her. If you stick by them you will lose her. I cut ties with my mom for 6 years after she took no action... she is not alone and needs something to get intrested in. Something new. Photography art a sport anything she finds joy in. Remind her she is a survivor for a reason. @disowned Thank you for being a better parent then alot of ours were.

Hello Disowned. Yes. Your dad should be charged for what he did. He molested you. He molested your daughters. Why would you ever give him a second chance? You have the power to end this cycle.

I hope you and your daughter manage to find some way to make a path through all this. I have been there having been abused by my brother and chose to try and press charges and police went ahead with the case but unfortunately the whole family turned against me and also played the 'crazy' card and i have had no choice but to remove myself from them apart from funerals when necessary and never alone. He got away with it. However I have no regrets about finally speaking out and it felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. If your father abused you perhaps you might consider getting in touch with your own inner self so that you may then be able to help your daughters. there is a book called 'strong at the broken places' which is an excellent for both of you to read and can provide some comfort in the face that there is at least some understanding out there in spite of the family denial. good luck with it. hugs.

I have not been on this site for a while and would like to report that my daughter is finally getting herself together. I spoke with her psychiatrist to tell him that I thought she was being over medicated. Since then, she is on a much lower dose of medication and I can see the change in her. She sees a counsellor at a women's shelter once a week which also helps. She also is going to start college in Sept, after taking the year off after HS and is ready to get back into singing which I miss so much.
The pain has not gone away and I doubt that it ever will. I think being betrayed by the people you love is something that never goes away. As a parent, I cannot understand how a mother can turn her back on her flesh and blood. But going through what I went through as a child, I swore no matter what, I would support my children because I love them. So to all - hang in there. Things will get better, but it's a journey.

having come from a background where people did nothing about the inappropriate things going on, i can say this much...if you know it's happened, do something about it. i've held grudges my whole life against people i felt did nothing to help me when they could have. i hold them just as responsible as the people who were actually hurting me because they stood by and didn't defend me.
court can be brutal, but feeling let down by people you felt were supposed to protect you is worse.