My story is a long one, and for that I apologize. My ex and I dated for 6 and a half years. when we started dating I was newly 15 (a sophomore) and he was 17 (a senior). I was very inexperienced and he was actually my first kiss. He was so charming at first, always taking me out and getting me flowers. Around 4 months in, he started pressuring me to have sex, and actually broke up with me because in his words, "I'm not going to graduate (high school) a virgin, and whether or not you wanted to be a part of that is up to you." I refused, and he broke up with me. I was completely devastated because I loved him so much, and I felt like he was the only way I could get out of my house (my mother is emotionally abusive). So when he left, I felt like my whole world had crumbled.

After about a week, he asked me back out and apologized profusely. He didn't pressure me as much to have sex after that, but I kept trying to convince myself to hurry up and be ready so that he wouldn't be waiting long. Around 7 months in we finally did it for the first time. After the first time, he started to get really controlling, and me being young and inexperienced didn't know any different. He slowly started telling me about this whole other side of his life, where he is very active in BDSM. He slowly started introducing me to things, and it was as if once he knew that I could handle something, he would go farther and farther. By this time I was completely under his control, and I couldn't imagine leaving him. He degraded me and made me feel like he was the only person who would ever want me because even my mother didn't like me.

After a year or so, I was completely under his control. I think he could definitely be classified as a nymphomaniac, because he was OBSESSED with sex. We never went out or did anything, every free second was having sex. We would be doing things for 4-5 hours at a time, just changing different "activities".  It's taken me a lot of time and therapy to be able to use these words, but he is a sadist, and he raped me over and over again for 6 years. He enjoyed causing me pain. Obviously I was not interested in many of the things he did being so inexperienced, and given the pain, but he said this is what a sexual relationship was like, and I just didn't know that because I was so inexperienced. When I said no to something, he would either physically fight to keep me down and rape me, or he would stop talking to me for the rest of the night so I would eventually give in. I don't know if this is still considered rape if I gave in, but he knew what he was doing, and knew how to manipulate me.

Again, I'm sorry for the language, but I need to get this out. Part of what he did to me was using his hands and large sex toys to stretch me out. I am built naturally small, and this created a challenge for him, which he enjoyed. I have so many memories of me starting to bleed, and he would get excited because he thought it was working. He made me take an inhalant that relaxed all muscles so that the process was easier, but it heightened all nerve endings, so I felt the pain more severely (and I have a very high pain tolerance). He used all sorts of toys, clamps, pumps, and other instruments to inflict pain on me, and reach his ultimate goal which was to stretch me out. He urinated on me and spit on me to humiliate me and tell me I was just a body for him to use. What he always said was that no one would want me if I was like that, so I would be forced to stay with him forever.

He had a tumblr account for pictures and videos that he took of me, and for over a year I never knew that he had it, and had been posting things in secret. Eventually he made me go online and talk to people as he watched. He often took requests from people and made money from them. I was at such a low point of my depression that I did not care at all what happened to me or my body.

I know many people are probably asking themselves why I didn't run away screaming from this guy, but everything started so slowly, I didn't even realize what was happening until I stood back from it objectively after we broke up. By the time the physical things had started, he already had me so dependent on him, and I believed that there was nothing else out there for me. And as soon as I was close to breaking things off, he would immediately start being that charming guy again, and lavishing me with gifts and positive attention. So then I would get so overwhelmed and think, how could I ever break up with him? Look how great he is! But that was only like 5% of the time, and he knew perfectly when to turn on the charm to manipulate me.

My parents always hated him, but I think in the back of my mind, this was my own rebellion to not listen to them because of how my mom treated me. I was beyond caring how it affected me. I was unbelievably depressed and suicidal, and I literally did not care what happened to me or to my body. I was a zombie, and he had complete control over me. It was only when he started cheating on me and blowing me off, that I had time away from him and I finally had the sense to get out.

I have since been diagnosed with severe PTSD in addition to my anxiety and depression. I often feel like nothing will ever get better. I'm in a relationship now, and I love him more than words can say, and he has been so supportive, but I feel like my PTSD is getting worse, and that I'm losing my mind most of the time. I'm in therapy and on medication, but my insurance doesn't really cover much of therapy (I adore my therapist and don't want to change) and I can't afford an EMDR treatment that she wants me to start to help with the PTSD. 

I've never posted anything about my story anywhere online before because I'm so ashamed I stayed in the relationship. But my therapist says that joining a support group could help me a lot, so in my mind this is a baby step before going to one in person.