Sorry, this is long.

So, I was sexually assaulted a couple of times by an adult when I was 14. That, I know. That, I remember.

But recently, I've been really considering that I may have been sexually abused throughout my childhood by an old friend, and I've maybe just repressed all those memories.

This old friend, he's two years older than me. And I was best friends with him from the ages of 3 to like 11 or 12. Within the last year or so, I've recognized some wrong things about the way he treated me. He would manipulate me into doing things I didn't want to do, and would threaten to leave me if I didn't comply. This would cause me to run after him, begging him not to go, until finally giving in and doing what he wanted. One of these things that he would force me to do made me extremely uncomfortable. I dont know if it was sexual at all to him, but he would force me to walk on his stomach with my bare feet. I hated it so much, and I still have no idea why he made me do it.

So, I have this memory of when I was either 5 or 6, and he was either 7 or 8. I recall us being in my room with our clothes off, but I only remember a couple of seconds of it. We were giggling and jumping around until my mom opened the door and scolded us and had us put our clothes back on. I don't remember anything that led up to that moment.

That, I'm aware is a real memory. But here's where I start to doubt myself.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had this... "memory" very suddenly come back to me. I remember standing outside of my house with him, and he said to me, "Do you remember that time your mom walked in on us naked together? Yeah, it sucks that we got caught. At least we didn't get caught all those other times."

But I don't... well, I don't remember any other times.

And I have no idea if he ever actually said this to me... The memory just came out of nowhere. For years, I've been wondering whether or not it was real.

The thing is, I have big issues surrounding sex, and I've had these issues from a VERY young age. I feel like I need to be wanted sexually in order to be worth something (this even manifested as me wanting to grow up to be a stripper when I was only 9-years-old). This caused me to let myself be abused by boys when I was a preteen and young teenager. I didnt want to do any of these things, but I would have phone sex with them, and I would get naked on camera for them, and send them naked pictures. I thought it meant they loved me and that they wouldnt leave me.

This also causes huge problems in my current relationship (and has done the same in past relationships). If my partner doesnt feel like having sex, even when I myself dont feel like having sex, I panic and I have a breakdown. At its worst, I cry and hurt myself and become suicidal.

Basically, I obsess over sex, and I hate that about myself. I'm constantly aware of when was the last time I had sex, and when the next time might be. I'm constantly ready to have sex, even when I don't necessarily want to. I'm just ready to put everything aside for it. It's the only thing that makes me feel important.

These issues have likely been amplified by the abuse I experienced as an adolescent, but otherwise, it just feels like theyve always been there. And it sort of makes sense, doesnt it? Like, hypothetically speaking, if I HAD been sexually abused by this friend who already manipulated me and threatened me with abandonment when I didn't do what he wanted, it would make sense that I now feel like sex is the only thing that makes me important to people. It would make sense that I freak out and feel abandoned and unloved when my partner doesnt want to have sex.

I recently brought this up with my therapist, and shes treating the situation as though theres a serious chance I may have been consistently sexually abused as a child. She asked me questions and I admitted that my friend and I weren't well-supervised, and I have very few memories of being alone with him. I know that we saw each other at least a couple of times a week for many years, yet I don't remember a lot. Like, at all.

My therapist said that we could try some visualization to get in-touch with my 5-year-old self and try to heal anything that may have happened to me -- which should be beneficial no matter what, as I experienced other means of neglect and abuse in childhood.

This all just seems so significant, but I'm struggling to validate myself. My brain is telling me that I'm a liar, that none of this is real, that the memory is fake and I'm stupid for even thinking of believing it.

I guess I'm just curious as to what other people think... Am I crazy, or could this be a real recovered memory that might actually be alluding to real sexual abuse?