Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I've been in therapy/counselling for a year now, but it has been to do with the sexual abuse of our daughters mostly. The counsellor has been working on some of my own issues along the way. I am really wondering if I have anything to deal with from my own sexual and physical abuse when I was 8. I can remember chunks of what happened, but not all of it. If I think about it I am more of a spectator from the ceiling and feel nothing. Yesterday the counsellor asked me what I was wanting to achieve from counselling. She seriously didn't expect me to return as the last session was lengthy, confronting about lots of issues and I spent almost 2 hours crying. I said that my inability to regulate emotions and constantly reacting out of a fear base are probably my priorities to deal with. As I have not displayed detachment, panic attacks etc in counselling the counsellor is wondering whether my abuse is really impacting me now and whether it needs to be dealt with.
I have been journalling today and trying to get in contact with any emotions that stem from the time of my abuse and I kept freezing, my heart was racing, the fear was intense. I'm scared to face anything as my father beat the living daylights out of me when I disclosed where I had been and where the sexual abuse had taken place. I then had intense rejection from my parents for years after that and went from being outgoing and confident to withdrawn, fearful, quiet and indecisive. Maybe I'm answering my own questions. Is it possible that there's nothing to really work on?
Would appreciate some input. Sorry if this has gone on a bit long.
I have been journalling today and trying to get in contact with any emotions that stem from the time of my abuse and I kept freezing, my heart was racing, the fear was intense. I'm scared to face anything as my father beat the living daylights out of me when I disclosed where I had been and where the sexual abuse had taken place. I then had intense rejection from my parents for years after that and went from being outgoing and confident to withdrawn, fearful, quiet and indecisive. Maybe I'm answering my own questions. Is it possible that there's nothing to really work on?
Would appreciate some input. Sorry if this has gone on a bit long.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
What you describe as your memory of the abuse 'If I think about it I am more of a spectator from the ceiling and feel nothing' this is a normal and safe approach to dealing with the trauma. You are viewing it from the ceiling because when it was happening you dissociated and left your body so you didn't have to experience it. When I dissociated I went into the abuser (God knows why I didn't go farther..) so when I first started to remember (I blocked it out for 34 years) I was always looking down at myself from his eyes. As you go further into talking about the abuse you will be able to feel more and it's when you start allowing yourself to feel everything (like when you cried for 2 hours) you begin to heal. You release all that you have held inside for all these years.
I am at the end of my healing process and I would say that I have only remembered about 1/4 of what actually happened to me. But I was still able to heal because healing is in processing the feelings not in remembering what happened. You will be surprised at how many feelings you can actually process without having a solid memory to go along with them.
Healing is a process and you are at the beginning. Please be patient and gentle with yourself as you go through it. And please find another therapist who understands that the way you are processing it now is perfectly normal for what you have been through.
Take care
If you have the time, try reading the Courage to Heal. In the first chapters it describe the effects of sexual child abuse...and that is what convinced me I was abused. It was like a check list of how I felt about myself prior to learning how to love and accept myself. Some of the big ones were
Do you feel different from other people?
Do you hate yourself?
Do you have a hard time nurturing and taking care of yourself? Are you able to enjoy feeling good?
Do you have trouble feeling motivated?
This is just a few of questions from self esteem. There are so many more.
You can reclaim who you used to be and minimize the negative impact. Besides therapy, I also meditate and write self loving affirmations - I actually have been writing the affirmations for years and I listen to them as well. It has helped me value myself and move away from the shame and despair I felt about my abuse.
I have never shared details of my abuse with anyone and often thought myself that it hasn't affected me too much, but I realise that there are deep emotions attached to it that are suppressed because of the rejection and physical abuse I experienced on "disclosure".
Will let you know how things go. Counselling is intense these days.