hi star...hunni the emotionals you are going through we have all had/are going through too. I sometimes wake up after a nightmare and have to get up and take a shower cos of the 'dirty'' feeling you describe. I found them very hard due to them being 'fresh' nightmares/flashbacks of things I didnt remember and I was so confused as to wether i myself was making these sick dreams up or if it was memories of my childhood abuse. If I was 'making them up that made me feel that I was as bad as them but if they were true dreams then these sick things did actually happen....I didnt know which was worse.
As to your body reacting, becoming a teenager is confusing enough for the body at the best of times with out the added emotions of abuse. Please please try not to be to hard on your self. Are you seeing a therapist? Starting my theraphy about 8 weeks ago has stirred up lots of buried memories that I hid for years and I find it very hard to deal with at times. Do you comfort your inner child? Dont think im mad...if you havent already read up on this and start to build a trust with her she needs to feel that you are there now and that she doesnt have to fear the pain anymore. Hope all of this helps....its hard to except that what you are going through is 'normal' for a Survivor of child abuse but it really is. Please try not to feel dirty and ashamed its who ever did this to you who is dirty and should feel ashamed. My heart is with you hunni..I know excatly what/how you feel....take care xxxxx

hi pebbles thanks for the reply my emotions are all over the place at the moment over my latest nightmare i just dont know what to do or where to turn.

its very hard to deal with when they are flooding back at top speed....the only thing I can say is to reasure yourself that you cant be hurt anymore and you are safe when you wake up from these nightmares. I hope you read up on the inner child and how to get to know her cos thats her inside that is feeling scared again and needs the reasurring arms from you. I have a teddy dog big floppy thing that is by my bed and If/when i have these dreams/flashbacks or just generally feel very low I snuggle down with him and my quilt and Pebbles, my inner child calms down and feels safe . It really does sound daft but pls read up on it cos it has really helped me. Once she feels safe again and trusts you then you yourself feel calmer and i have experienced that all though I still have the thotughts/flashbacks/nightmares I know that I am safe now and deal with them quicker. Hope this helps....my thoughts are with you ..please let me know how you are doing from time to time x x x

i just wanted to say what has already been said,that shame you are feeling is not yours.you had no choice in the reactions your body had,i struggled with this for a long time but i realise that is just the bodies natural reaction to being touched,it did not mean i wanted or enjoyed what happened ,that couldnt be further from the truth.
i know this probably doesnt help but when i wake from nightmares i have some cds one of them is of the sounds of the sea and this helps take me to a safer place in my head if that makes sense.take care and be kind to yourself

Thanks for both of your replys i just wish i could get past this feeling of being that scared little girl in my bedroom when he did those things to me and it wasnt just my room he abused me and him telling me not to tell anyone what he was doing to me because no one would believe me, well he was right my so called mum and dad dont believe me when i told them what he had done to me.

And today i had a row with my mum about something silly and i told her again, and she said that she doesnt believe me and i should stop lying about it. So i went up to my bedroom shut door and cried. I know what there friend did to me for five long years even if my mum and dad wont believe me i have to live with memory of what that man did to me how do i get the help i need even though my parents dont believe me.

im not sure if I have said before but i was abused by my dad, his dad, and then my dad and various other people in his pub celler on the weekends he had my brother and I....It started round 4 and I plucked up the courage to tell my mum when i was about 6. she slapped me round the face and told me not to be so disgusting and to never say it to her or anyone again. So i didnt. I just thought it was that she didnt believe me. I then ended up in a violent 22 yr relationship from the age of 15 and he didnt believe me when i told him after 17yrs of being together. So i buried it again and was so convinced by my ex that i watched to many films and had imagined it all that i started to doubt my own knowledge of the abuse happening. So you are again not alone in the 'non believing people'. I started therapy this year after finally being admitted to a mental assesment ward for 3 days after my body telling me enough was enough and had a breakdown. The therapy has brought out so much already that I had totally buried including that my 'so called' mother was also involed in the abuse too. So at least I now know it wasnt that she didnt believe me but she was involved too and trying to 'shut me up'. I havent spoke to either my mum or dad since my teens when i left home.
My strongest advice I can give you is too please get to your doctors and get him to refer you to a good therapist. The therapy is hard i wont lie to you and sometimes is very distressing BUT in my opinion it is the only way to start the journey to recovery and to find someone that you can talk to face to face who actually believes you is one of the best feelings in the world. Taking that first step to open up to your doctor is the hardest but most rewarding as it puts you on the right path to the rest of your life.
Please please seek the help that you need and so deserve.
If at any time you need to really off load you can alwyays inbox me so its not on a post to trigger anybody.
All the best star nd my heart is with you xxxxxx

Thanks pebbles for you reply I have tried to talk to close friend about the abuse I suffered as child growing up but I am always too scared of what his reaction to what I am telling him, as for going to the doctors I just dont know how to bring up what happen to me with my doctor I am just so scared that he won't believe me