As a kid I was super sexual, i would try to get my friends to play "doctor" or anything that involved taking clothes off. I had to wear a swim suit to shower for years and wouldn't get fully naked. I was always scared someone was watching me. I wouldn't want to look at myself naked either. I used to make my dolls touch each other sexually and make noises with it when I was around 8 or younger. I always had a bad relationship with my dad when I was little. I know he had hit me pretty bad quite a few times too. But I really remember just wanting him to have something bad happen to him. My parents are divorced and he has nothing to do with me also. My mom had recently been talking about him but then said she thinks he had sex with me. She was saying that out off all the messed up kids she raised I was definitely the worst. I had apparently said something along those lines of my dad doing something to me when I was younger but no one knew. I was taken to psychiatrist but they could never get me to talk. When I was younger I did have a lot of sex dreams too. I still sometimes do. I would also have nightmares of dying, being chased, or falling which still happens. I would always be worried of being raped anywhere I went. It wasn't always bad but the thought always sat in my head to be careful. When I lived with my dad too I don't have very many memories of that time. I remember a time where I saw him naked in my moms room and he was bothered but I thought to myself I had seen it before many times. When I have had sex or gotten fingered I often feel pain and disgusting. I haven't had sex in probably a year because I'm worried it'll just be painful. I have a lot of odd fears like basements or dark rooms. For a long time I struggled with cutting my sides so no one would see. At 10 I tried to kill my self. I know I was molested as a child from other people that I remember. I feel like my dad was just very sketchy though. He has taken my pants off completely before but I just remember being spanked and not much else. He also used to masterbate anywhere all the time. He'd just be casually sitting in the living room in the middle of the day watching porn and jacking off. He did it so much he was basically addicted to porn. I had a better relationship with the people I actually remember touching me. I'm really trying to figure out if anything could of come from him especially with how bad I felt towards him. I still feel pretty uncomfortable around him or really any man.