Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have recently been divorced. Going through my healing process has really uncovered some odd issues from my past. When I was very young I was sexually abused for several years, then gang-raped as a teenager. Honestly, I thought that my past abuse issues affected me very little. I am beginning to suspect otherwise now.
When I was married, I was almost always an attentive and passionate lover. I had no problems taking an active or more passive role in healthy and intimate lovemaking. As our marriage decayed, my wife grew cold and bitter and refused to let me show her any affection. Our sex life had previously been (her words) "$!#&ing amazing!"
It wasn't until she left that I discovered some odd fantasies that didn't make much sense to me. I would get turned on (when alone) and be upset at the same time, sometimes I would throw up after climaxing. Often I would fantasize about her forcing me to watch her have sex with another man. Sometimes I would think about her humiliating me sexually and torturing me. What disturbed me the most was how turned on I would get while I was obviously upset and emotionally hurting. Just prior to her moving out I happened to find a pair of lingerie style lacy blue panties that smelled strongly of her sex and her perfume tucked into the middle console of our car. I didn't say anything then, I still haven't now. She has told me that she dated several men but didn't have sex with them. I want to believe her, but I am not stupid and... I have not been hit in the head.
It frustrates me that I get turned on by being hurt so badly by the woman who I love. I wish I could understand why I get these disturbing desires to be hurt and humiliated.
Any insight anyone? Any ideas how I can prevent these desires from creeping in again (in the unlikely event that I find a wife again?) I really want to get better, I just don't know how.
When I was married, I was almost always an attentive and passionate lover. I had no problems taking an active or more passive role in healthy and intimate lovemaking. As our marriage decayed, my wife grew cold and bitter and refused to let me show her any affection. Our sex life had previously been (her words) "$!#&ing amazing!"
It wasn't until she left that I discovered some odd fantasies that didn't make much sense to me. I would get turned on (when alone) and be upset at the same time, sometimes I would throw up after climaxing. Often I would fantasize about her forcing me to watch her have sex with another man. Sometimes I would think about her humiliating me sexually and torturing me. What disturbed me the most was how turned on I would get while I was obviously upset and emotionally hurting. Just prior to her moving out I happened to find a pair of lingerie style lacy blue panties that smelled strongly of her sex and her perfume tucked into the middle console of our car. I didn't say anything then, I still haven't now. She has told me that she dated several men but didn't have sex with them. I want to believe her, but I am not stupid and... I have not been hit in the head.
It frustrates me that I get turned on by being hurt so badly by the woman who I love. I wish I could understand why I get these disturbing desires to be hurt and humiliated.
Any insight anyone? Any ideas how I can prevent these desires from creeping in again (in the unlikely event that I find a wife again?) I really want to get better, I just don't know how.
First, if you are not already working with a therapist I would urge you to do so as soon as you can because you can heal from this and you do not have to do it alone. Second, you can begin replacing the violent images with loving images and by not allowing yourself to go into all the violence. By that I mean, if you are more aroused by the thought of violence, don't allow yourself to think about it. Push those thoughts aside and focus only on loving caring intimacy instead. In time the violent images will subside and the loving images will take over.
Take care
I'm with you, man!
One description that always come through is that when a child suffer abuse of any kind, their internal wiring is changed. We never had the chance to develop "normally" and thus we can desire or fantasize about things that reflect what we suffered as children.
It is never pretty, but learning this and accepting it has helped me to put into a clearer perspective some of my desires or feelings.
I hope this helps somewhat.
But sometimes I crave the affection of men, not even in a sexual way, but I wish so deeply that what my brother and I had, had never been screwed up by his perverted desires.
So I look for male friends and nothing ever ever fills that hole.
BUT, in my relationship with my wife I always want her to take control. I have to stop here. but I feel your pain, I really do my friend.