OK, not sure if this is the right place to post or if I'm even going to make sense. At my last counselling session I mentioned to my counsellor that I feel inadequate in my abilities to relate to anyone and that I will eventually mess up every relationship. She was trying to drill down a bit but we didn't get far. As homework she has asked that I journal specifically about this. I have written a few things down, but honestly, every time I try and think about it I just seem to hit a wall, my mind goes blank, I don't seem to be able to think or feel. Maybe there's nothing there to find, or maybe it's just a big lie I've spun myself and feel ashamed to face that lie.

Does any of this make any sense? I'm feeling awkward that there's nothing there to actually substantiate my feelings of inadequacy, but they've obviously grown from something in my life, which I think are areas I feel great shame and guilt about.

Over the last five years or so I have deliberately backed off in relationships, particularly any new ones. I really believe that I'm going to mess it up so why even bother letting anyone get close to you only to have them find out what you're really like and then be rejected or feel that you're unworthy of their friendship.

Since our daughters disclosed their abuse by their brother last year I have withdrawn from any friendship groups even more as I feel great shame about who/what our son is and what it has done to our family. This has really compounded my insecurities big time.

This situation has brought growing loneliness into my life and I'm feeling more isolated. I'm loathe to join new groups because I don't want to have to put the effort into forming new friendships only to be disappointed and hurt again. Don't get me wrong, I have some very dear close friends who really do know me. Unfortunately most of them either live interstate or overseas so we rarely get together.

Thanks for reading this far. Not sure this is even the right place to be putting this.