Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hi. I am almost brand new to talking about, acknowledging, and trying to work through my lifelong sexual abuse since childhood. So I'm feeling a bit stunned, numbed, and overwhelmed right now. The main feeling/thought I have tapped into that is SO big in me from all this is something like Shame. I was made to feel so ashamed, specifically of my private parts, but of my whole body. Of my sexuality. Of my attractiveness. It was also by a person who was vehemently emotionally abusive and also physically abusive. The whole family was/is in almost complete denial of all of that. I just feel unbelievable amounts of shame, even of thinking about talking about it. I feel silence. I keep having this image of myself where I feel like a little girl with wide sad desperate eyes but nobody sees them, my body curled up in shame, and my mouth so close silent that it's practically like it's taped shut. I feel like I'm drowning in a coffin of silence and Isolation. I do want to note that when I am out with friends/experience normal/healthy sexuality/etc. I feel very different. Don't feel much shame, feel confident and strong and healthy and attractive, etc. So that's awesome. As long as I go toward healthy relationships, I'll probably be ok. But there is just SO much shame buried SOO deep inside me all the way from when I was a child. I feel broken by it, rather than able to let it open up and heal.
You are reaching out and that is the first step. All the emotions you have expressed are common among survivors of abuse. You will learn to "re-place" this by putting it squarely upon the abuser who deserves it. When you start to experience such feelings, please try your best to realize that it was not your fault and that you are not to blame. Shame and guilt are two of the major tools that abusers use to keep us quiet. We also learn to silence our feelings in order not to stand out among others. But it sounds like you have good friends and may be able to tap into that group for support.
I would love to just say some magic words to you and make this go away, but I can't as there aren't any. Do seek support and reach out to professionals that can help you deal with these oppressive feelings. You have a lot to offer others, but first you have to free yourself of the shackles of the past. And you can shed those bindings with persistence and the knowledge that this is NOT your shame, but is the responsibility of the abuser. You did nothing wrong, you were a child and that child has been hurt. Learn to take care of this child and help them heal, then that healing will spread to you in earnest.
My best to you - keep in touch as this site is VERY supportive.
love and hugs
Shame is a feeling
I held deep inside
Feeling the shame
Many tears I have cried
I didnt have a voice
There was no one to tell
Sexual abuse was my destiny
Sexual abuse was my hell
The shame that I felt
Was felt at the core
You had set me up
To be your little whore.
I thought that sex
Was the love that I sought
Each and every man
My soul it was bought
Youll be the one
Who will love me I know
But all you were to me
Was my enemy, my foe
Little Jeanette was a needy
Little girl
No one was safe
In her home, in her world
Many years have past
I now see the source
You didnt care
You had no remorse
Shame felt so deep
I hated what I became
For shame has such power
But it did not have a name
But now I know
That the child held within
Is free from the shame,
Is free from the sin
God has forgiven
That precious little girl
Her eyes they are open
How different is her world
For God is the answer
When I have no where to turn
Many lessons yet to come
Many lessons yet to learn
My God is my salvation
I am free from this sin
Gods given me the grace
To heal from from the shame
Gods given me the glory
No longer am I to blame
Jeanette A Rogers Monday, April 08, 2013
My name is Shame
I live inside of you
Whatever you say
Whatever you
Is not good enough
My name is Shame
I live in inside your mind
I am not sweet
Nor am I very kind
I cause you to feel
That you have no self worth
I didnt arrive
The day of your birth
I came much later
I think you were two
I saw it in your eyes
You were sad, you were blue
It was then I knew
I would take over your soul
And all that Id leave
Was a deep dark black hole
My name is Shame
I live inside of you
Whatever you say whatever you do
Is not good enough.
I murdered your spirit
When he touched you that day
There was nothing you could do
There was nothing you could say.
You were only 4
A sad little girl
Lonely and forgotten
Alone in the world
I entered your life
No safe place could you find
I invaded your body
I invaded your mind
I caused you to feel
So empty inside
A pain thats do deep
You wished you had died.
My name is Shame
I am felt at the core
I set you up to think
Youre a whore
The day that he touched you
Was the day that I saw
I could do damage and so very much more
You have no place to run
I am everything you feel
You were sexually abused
Its really no bid deal
Your rage, your anger
Stuff them as well
Youre a bad little child
And I am your hell
I love to make you cry
And feel so very sad
I love to make you angry
I love to make you mad.
And then I tell you your feelings
They are wrong,
That you basically are nothing
That you dont belong
I am ugly and devious
A thorn in your side
And all you can do is
Run away and hide.
I am your worst nightmare
I am there when you sleep
I am there when you cry
I am your tears when you weep
But you need me now,
Until you can see
That my purpose is useless
Only then Ill be free
Never to return and enter your soul
Uncovering the lies
The truth will unfold
My name is Shame
I live in your mind
I am not sweet
Nor am I very kind.
Jeanette 2008
I won't lie, the feeling of shame and dirtiness takes a while to wash away. But it can be done. I had similar feelings, and the people around me were a great help. They reassured me of who I was, truly. Because, what your abuser did to you has NOTHING to do with who you are. It was their selfishness.
You may feel broken, but this will make you a stronger person if you let it and deal with things properly. I promise. Hopefully, you will seek some professional help. You also need to be patient with yourself. Self criticism may make things worse for you. You should be proud of the progress you make.
It's also worth noting that behaviour that you engage in at the moment is also very important. If you feel shame, then it may be best not to engage in meaningless sex, as it is important for you to create positive associations with sex.
You should engage in behaviour that makes you feel good about yourself, such as volunteering or helping others. Avoiding alcohol and drugs is also best. You need to acknowledge that you are in a fragile state, and that you need to take care of yourself and your body.
The more you understand what is going on in your body/brain, the better off you are as well. So try and educate yourself with books or websites such as:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/recovering-trauma
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Trauma_reacting_and_recovering
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recovering-disasters.aspx
I really hope that things work out for you. You may feel like you're living in a nightmare you can't wake up out of, but things WILL get better, and if you make the right decisions, you can be happier than ever when this is over.
All the best!