Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have been married for 11 yrs to a man who has kept me struggling to reach the healing place I have been so earnestly seeking since the dissolution of my first marriage to a very troubled and abusive person.
My stepfather ,who was the only father I knew since mine died when I was two, molested me as a child, as did his son. My mother is still married to this person. When I met my current husband I was in a very vulnerable place, and I told him everything about my difficult life. He seemed to adore me and promised to love and care for me. Soon after we married, I suffered a mental breakdown. Instead of the nurturing and unconditional love I needed, he became enraged that I was not the perfect goddess he had placed on a pedestal, and began being extremely abusive, getting in my face, pushing me, screaming at me, and acting out his rage at every turn. This obviously was not helpful to me as I sought to overcome deep depression and anxiety. Through some counseling he managed to level off and we conceived a child in 2002.
Over the years our sexual involvement grew to feel very "icky" and unfulfilling to me. There was never any deep, loving connection, and it always felt like I was having to act like a porn star. I made this clear to him in and out of counseling for over 8yrs, until I finally couldn't take it anymore. Every time we shared a bed, he would grope me in his sleep. We eventually began sleeping apart.. Then he would sneak in my room and either lift the covers off me to put his face in my ass(GROSS) and I'd wake to him masturbating( DISGUSTING), or he would just climb in bed and put his hands all over me and talk dirty (ALWAYS with the dirty talk). I finally told him that behavior disgusted me, kept me sleep deprived out of fear, and made me see him as my molestor, which kept me in a downward spiral of horrific depression.
He spent years trying to convince my friends and family that I was "crazy" when what I was suffering from was PTSD and depression that was confounded by his actions. I tried to make the marriage work for our child's sake, but ended up doing more damage to her and myself by staying. All I wanted was to feel safe and nurtured in spite of the traumas of my past, but he was never even able to put his arms around me unless he was groping me sexually. I can't begin to explain the insanity this caused my psyche as one who was struggling desperately to let go of such painful memories of abuse from my childhood.
We are now separated and will eventually divorce, but due to financial reasons are still living together. He has been the breadwinner, and I am now faced with trying to increase my income as I work to stay calm and focused on having my daughter see my strength for the first time ever, and not the mommy who is sad all the time and can't get out of bed. Some days things seem overwhelming, but I wouldn't trade the clarity I have found in standing up to this unbearable situation for anything in the world. I would rather live in my car than to be in a place where I thought I was destined to die on the vine, which is exactly how I have felt in this sad, awful marriage.
I need support, and I hope my story helps someone else who may be suffering. I would appreciate any feedback. I have been through a lot, but I have much strength and wisdom to share in navigating the troubled waters of sexual abuse and it's affects on living a productive life in spite of it.
My stepfather ,who was the only father I knew since mine died when I was two, molested me as a child, as did his son. My mother is still married to this person. When I met my current husband I was in a very vulnerable place, and I told him everything about my difficult life. He seemed to adore me and promised to love and care for me. Soon after we married, I suffered a mental breakdown. Instead of the nurturing and unconditional love I needed, he became enraged that I was not the perfect goddess he had placed on a pedestal, and began being extremely abusive, getting in my face, pushing me, screaming at me, and acting out his rage at every turn. This obviously was not helpful to me as I sought to overcome deep depression and anxiety. Through some counseling he managed to level off and we conceived a child in 2002.
Over the years our sexual involvement grew to feel very "icky" and unfulfilling to me. There was never any deep, loving connection, and it always felt like I was having to act like a porn star. I made this clear to him in and out of counseling for over 8yrs, until I finally couldn't take it anymore. Every time we shared a bed, he would grope me in his sleep. We eventually began sleeping apart.. Then he would sneak in my room and either lift the covers off me to put his face in my ass(GROSS) and I'd wake to him masturbating( DISGUSTING), or he would just climb in bed and put his hands all over me and talk dirty (ALWAYS with the dirty talk). I finally told him that behavior disgusted me, kept me sleep deprived out of fear, and made me see him as my molestor, which kept me in a downward spiral of horrific depression.
He spent years trying to convince my friends and family that I was "crazy" when what I was suffering from was PTSD and depression that was confounded by his actions. I tried to make the marriage work for our child's sake, but ended up doing more damage to her and myself by staying. All I wanted was to feel safe and nurtured in spite of the traumas of my past, but he was never even able to put his arms around me unless he was groping me sexually. I can't begin to explain the insanity this caused my psyche as one who was struggling desperately to let go of such painful memories of abuse from my childhood.
We are now separated and will eventually divorce, but due to financial reasons are still living together. He has been the breadwinner, and I am now faced with trying to increase my income as I work to stay calm and focused on having my daughter see my strength for the first time ever, and not the mommy who is sad all the time and can't get out of bed. Some days things seem overwhelming, but I wouldn't trade the clarity I have found in standing up to this unbearable situation for anything in the world. I would rather live in my car than to be in a place where I thought I was destined to die on the vine, which is exactly how I have felt in this sad, awful marriage.
I need support, and I hope my story helps someone else who may be suffering. I would appreciate any feedback. I have been through a lot, but I have much strength and wisdom to share in navigating the troubled waters of sexual abuse and it's affects on living a productive life in spite of it.
Be Safe
((hugs))
To me, all the "stuff" your husband was doing to you...sounded "un-welcomed" and if that is the case, wouldn't that be considered abuse? I know that you were husband and wife...but still...I don't know & I am NOT trying to put something in your head or heart...I just have had all that stuff he did to you happen to me and it was abuse...I am sorry! I just thought I would throw that out there...please don't be offended...
Blessings,
Stephanier
This is my first time writing on this group. I never want to call myself sexually abused because my scars seem so miniscule in light of what so many other women have been through.
I was raised in a home that kept pornographic magazines available for the children. I have two memories of my birth parents together, one fighting, the other, doing 69. My father and stepmother had sex indiscriminately whether children were around or not (very little privacy...) once even while I was in their bed! (Oh, the memories... I wish I could wash my brain!) In the 2nd grade, a fellow classmate put his hands on my privates despite my attempts to remove them. In high school, I was a slut. I abused myself by satiating my pain and anger at life through sex, mostly with men and a few times with a girlfriend. I put myself in terribly compromising positions and pretended like I enjoyed myself. At times I did fight guys off of me; at other times I tried to ignore their indiscriminate groping and grabbing. I eventually was date raped at 18 by a 30 yr old that I thought I was in love with. After that, I lost nearly all scruples, even thinking nothing of occasional liaisons with married men. I had a child (big surprise!) out of wedlock two weeks after my 21st birthday, and after her dad split when she was 6 months old, the sluttiness didn't stop. Eventually I used my "talents" to make an income, becoming a stripper. I met my husband of 8 years just before I became a stripper. He didn't like it but I told him I just did what I had to do to raise my daughter. After 3 years of dating, he asked me to marry him, to which I very happily obliged. We have two children together.
This brings me to my point:
Sex with my DH has been a big problem since the birth of my 5 yr old son. It's not the normal stuff like he watched the baby come out and now he's grossed out.... instead, it's that I grew up, found God, and gave up my pornographic lifestyle in order to have something wholesome and good and sweet and loving. He, on the other hand, is a recovering alcoholic and swings a bipolar pendulum which hits all of my sexual regression triggers. I want to please him, but I never know when he's going to become my intimate my lover or my hated molester figure b/c he's unable to be authentic whenever sex is involved. I'm really quite lost right now.
Any advice in general?