You are right, Beth, DID is on a spectrum, about like all disorders. And it is possible that you have "blocked" or dissociated from the emotions of the abuse. This is the problem with the diagnostic techniques and need for labeling that we currently use - some people just not to quite fit the full-blown diagnosis, but still have effects that resemble some of the signs or symptoms of abuse. You can read several posts here where members talk of not remembering or being unable to access all the emotions associated with their abuse. You will often hear of many of us talking of "blocking" those emotions / memories. But that does not mean you formed a complete personality to deal with the abuse.
On this forum, I think you will find people who range completely across the spectrum and others who have just "un-remembered" the abuse if you want to put it in such a way. I think you will find this forum very supportive of wherever you fall in such a category. I have found that people pretty well accept you where you are in your healing or discovery of self.
I hope that you do find such support as I certainly have. I did dissociate from the abuse at the time, but have recovered the memories and in time, the emotions. Dealing with those memories and emotions are quite a different thing though.
I hope you find this space comfortable and it allows you to grow.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

yeah, dealing with the emotions is the hard part. a bunch came up at my therapy session on Monday and I've had a panic attack 1-2x a day since. And I was down to 2 a week!

The thing is, I have occasionally been able to hear what one of my parts wants to say. and the other day during a flashback, I started screaming, but it didnt' feel like me, and I wondered if it was a part. I need to be able to hear what they need and encourage and help them, but the feelings they bring are too overwhelming for me to handle on my own, so I only allow it up during therapy. But then sometimes there is the aftermath. I just wonder if anyone has advice on how to get yourself to the place that you can be the strong one for the parts instead of being terrified of what they bring up.

Wow that is a question that others can better answer - and I am sure they will. We have several members who post here frequently who are dealing with DID and they can really talk to this better than I can. But I do want you to know that I am here if you need to talk. And I will encourage you to continue with the therapy and see what your therapist has to say about these issues.
Yous sound very strong and compassionate - that will take you far in life. All my best to all of you!!!
Refuse2quit

HI Beth, I don't have DID. I think I've had DD-NOS, ego state disorder.
From '87, after some added trauma. I was very dissociated. That is, I felt deeply confused and disorientated. I felt like there was nothing inside where 'me' should be. I felt 2 dimensional and unreal. also, I say 'ego state disorder' because there's 2 distinct parts of me but they're not fully formed alters. It's a fundamental split, sure, but still at a basic level. That is, the split between me who is as I am, and me who wants to be a prostitute. I read up on 'ego state disorder' and it really fitted this.
I have gradually, over the years, come out of dissociation a lot. I'd encourage you to keep on with therapy. I can relate to being terrified that another part might 'take over' - I also used to have a part that perceived severe attack everywhere (she was paranoid) - I used to be so frightened she'd come up and take control but she never did.
All the best in your journey.

Hi Beth. I have worked extensively with inner children and this sounds like what you are talking about. Within us are our child parts who have been frozen in time. They are essentially stuck in the abuse. Some have left our bodies because it was not a safe place to be. I had 11 inner children stuck in time and parts of them were outside my body. I can see and talk to all my child parts and I believe that working with them has helped me recover quicker than if I didn't have a direct line to them.

I have also heard the parts that have separated from the body called soul parts. Parts of your soul have split away and left your body. It's the same as the inner child - just called something different.

I'm not a fan of the label's therapists give things - although I do understand why they do it. I just think the labels hold us back. Like we need to fix it and make the label go away. But really, it's your inner children, stuck in the trauma, who just wants to be noticed and loved.

If you want to discuss inner child work more you can PM me. I'd be happy to discuss it further with you.

Oh, and that part that you can hear, embrace her. Talk to her. Love her and let her know that she is safe now. That's all she wants.

Take care.

LuckyEmpath is so right - and nelliefay makes some excellent points too!! Very good approaches to what may be your issues.
nelliefay - good call on the ego state disorders- very educational and leads to a lot of thinking in different areas for all of us. Well put.
Lucky; As a counselor I had to use labels, but found they were mostly there for two reasons - so that insurance could decide whether to pay for the counseling needed or not, and to allow other therapists to quickly sum up and talk about how "I had a multiple the other day that ....." or " I am dealing with a bi-polar (or anti-social, or whatever label you want to throw in) did so and so".
I was usually the one in the meetings that, after so long, felt compelled to remind others that they were not just dealing with the label, but a whole, complex and intricate human being, with unique experiences and comprehension of those experiences. I was on the edge of the "holistic" approach of therapy in my training.
We are SO MUCH MORE than a label, but the label does allow us to see some of the similarities in disorders, common approaches to dealing with them and methods of treatment. But so many therapists forget that. It is so much easier to write off someone as "just a (place label here)" and compartmentalize everyone. That is fine if you are working with machine parts or computer components, but is so understating if you are working with PEOPLE. We are so much more than the total of our experiences and behaviors.
I was once reprimanded for having "jumped" another therapist for telling me not to get too involved with a client emotionally or intellectually because she was "just an anti-social personality" - so dismissive and, in my opinion, accepting defeat before the battle is even started. Once I plead my case, the other therapist was also "talked to" about their approach. It did not take the reprimand off my record, but I wore it with a little pride as I knew I was standing up for the PERSON, not the LABEL.
Sorry for the diatribe - this is just a sore spot with me. People are always more than what can ever be written about any disorder. And NEVER think that the human spirit cannot overcome ANY damage or harm. This is defeated thinking at it finest and doing it's worst. The joy of working with others was always when they surprised you and DID overcome the WORST events or trauma!
All my best, sorry for all the on and on!
Refuse2quit

I've seen a lot of posts about this in several groups. I think of it as a protective mechanism, rather than as a bad thing. It's one of the ways humans deal with traumatic events.

My dissociation was so extreme at one time that I had almost no memory of anything before my senior year in high school. It still happens, my memory of all the traumas I've gone through in my life fade in and out like distant TV stations. Sometimes the memories are clear and difficult to deal with, other times they're just gone completely.

Lately I've been feeling emotions and dealing with life almost exactly as I did during my later childhood years when I spent almost all my free time in parks and woodland areas by myself, wanting nothing to do with anyone. Don't know what it means. I feel like I'm totally fed up with people.

But somehow I feel better in isolation, like it's more in tune with who I am. Or maybe I never did fit in anywhere, and I just don't care anymore.

RichieD I also felt that I didn't want to be around people. At one point I also wanted to be deaf so I didn't have to hear them either. I still feel this way sometimes but as I process what happened to me, and the feelings that go along with them, I find I don't want to be alone as much. As I type this I'm wondering if my desire to be alone was a coping mechanism. My guess is it was, for me.

Hi Beth. Dissociative identity disorder is when you are abused and tortured very young and it creates alters. So you can handle more by your abusers and you can relate and the abuse is not aparant to the outside world. I find I do have some and it is really wild. I can relate to this do not want to go into detail. Yes the healing process you may have flashbacks about something or an alter. A part of you shatters and helps you to survive and helps you to handle things you cannot. I am remembering some was even cooking and cleaning and dealing with certain abuse I could not deal with. I would sit and have a conversation and have to keep saying what or have them repeat themselves because I would disassociate. I did not know why. I never got any sleep at all. I to talk to them and thank them and tell them that we can work together and some of them have done just that. I am learning also. You may not have remembered the abuse or feelings associated with them just give yourself time to remember. God does not put on us more than we can handle at one time. I have remembered parts and then I go back and it is like a layering process. I do not think I would want to have it thrown at us at once. I will pray you find the answers you need.

Ok I am replying to you . Do not be afraid and deep breath and ask who they are and remind yourself that you have survived this once and you can survive it again. Even an alter is apart of you and you are strong and you may not feel like you can handle it . You can. Trust God to get you through this . Being in therapy is great so you have a safe place. I know how you feel and know where you are coming from . Write down your feelings everything and you can find out a lot by writing down the flashbacks the way you see them. I hope this helps I am just learning about this and remembering so take care and praying for you.

Yesterday I attempted a few times to communicate with this little girl but her fear is so great, it overwhelms me and I don't feel safe doing it alone. I do have the best therapist in the world ;) but she is in Texas and I am in Massachusetts so we meet via skype. If our discussion starts to get too triggering, we need to steer it away. If I were actually in the room with her, I wouldn't mind being triggered because having her there would make me feel safe. And a hug or some physical touch helps me feel safe, too. So, I can't practice getting in touch with this little girl with her, b/c I will still be physically alone and not feel safe. Therefore, I may need to find a new therapist. Which may mean leaving her, which would be scary too.

And, of course she is on vacation right now. A therapist can't go on vacation without you having a crisis, right? lol so, it will be a few days before I can really talk to her about all this and decide what is the best course of action to take.

And, I will choose to do whatever seems to be the next best step, no matter how scary it is.

BTW, I'm calling this a crisis because my anxiety has been high upon waking and upon going to bed for 5 days along with several full blown panic attacks (it's hard for me to decide sometimes when something is high anxiety and when it qualifies as a panic attack) & I had to cancel some teaching commitments earlier this week. I had been down to 1-2 mild anxiety episodes a week. So this is a big change.

Hi Beth,
I am also in Massachusetts. I have a wonderful therapist in Chelmsford that specializes in treating adults abused as children and have dissociative disorders. There are 2 books that I can recommend, "Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation" by Suzette Boon and "The Dissociative Identy Disorder Sourcebook" by Deborah
Bray Haddock.

Dissociation is on a spectrum from spacing out to PTSD to DID. Everybody experiences some dissociation, but usually mild like putting something away, then not rembering where you put it.

Thank you, loum50, I'll check those books out. If I have trouble finding a therapist from the sources I have, I may ask you about yours. :) Chelmsford would be a little bit of a drive, but still worth it for someone good.