Patience and kindness. And by that, I mean be patient with your healing and kind to yourself. You are normal. You are a normal wonderful person recovering from sexual abuse. And I'm afraid it may be a lifelong journey - we have to learn to heal around it. Ooo - I'm gonna see if I can find this poem called "The Cure"...

No sorry, have not overcome it yet...
But you're not alone...

I can't find that poem, but it talked about how the pain changes the shape of things - but doesn't have to ruin the beauty. We are not broken. Like a beautiful tree with a big knot in it - how the tree grows around it and it just enhances who the tree is...

I sound ridiculous, because I'm not a poet, but I'm trying to say that things got easier for me when I stopped beating myself up for my struggle. I can't tell you how many journal pages I filled up with "I hate this!!" "I just want to be okay!" "I hate being sick!!" But I feel better now, because I'm trying to accept that this is just a part of who I am. And sometimes it's just below the surface, and sometimes it's right up in front of my face, but either way it's just me.

Be kinder and gentler to yourself.

SeekingStrength:

I'm glad you're in counseling. I'm glad EMDR stopped the flashbacks. Now, on to depression. Many think depression is anger turned against yourself. Maybe it is.

I was depressed for years without knowing it. But when I experienced multiple losses within a two-month period, and fell into a clinical depression I became fully aware of it. I wanted to try Prozac because I'd heard such wonderful things about it.

And, indeed, I experienced a level of happiness that seemed unreal. Is this how normal people feel I wondered as I was bouncing off the walls with joy. But then the side effects kicked in and I wanted off the drug. Zoloft came next and didn't do much for me, either in the happiness department or with side effects. I got off after a year of feeling numb inside.

The real healing came for me when I decided to see what depression was trying to tell me. This is what Raphael Cushnir calls emotional connection.

Check out his book called, "The One Thing Holding You Back: unleashing the power of emotional connection." In it you may find the answers you are looking for.

I, for one, believe that we can all move from victim to survivor to thriver. Our healing does not have to be a life-long endeavor if we are willing to do the hard work it requires to heal.

SeekingStrength, you are not broken. You were wounded. Wounds can heal.

xx

I am happy you wrote about this. I feel the exact same way you feel. I am so tired of feeling all of the above feelings. Sometimes I think if I could move away maybe then I will feel better, but I know that won't do a thing. As for counseling I haven't tried that yet. I feel ready to talk about it, but not ready at the same time. A piece of advice I could give you is to not give up. Your abuser has already stolen something from you. Don't let him or her win by getting destroying your life completely.

Let us know how things are going with you.

I can totally relate. It seems like there are periods of my life where I've been able to keep everything buried deep inside, but now that I'm actively working on all of this in therapy things have gotten so much harder. Some days I'm just so tired of fighting that I want to give up. I know what it is like to feel shattered, irreparable.
I wish I had some wisdom to share, but frankly I think we're all pretty freakin' miraculous to survive the things we did. You are stronger than you know and you are most certainly not alone. Hang in there, things always change.