Warning that there might be triggers for others so please continue reading with caution.

I am so tired of holding all of this in so here it goes.
When I was really young I was molested. I was sexually assaulted in school on several occasions once I hit middle school and high school. I was raped by a boyfriend on multiple occasions during my senior year in high school. (I pushed it aside as not being rape because we were in a relationship but I never wanted it. I never consented and a few times actually said no and I do still suffer PTSD at times from it)
So now we come to the present. I have had three kids with a man who ended up cheating on me thus ending the relationship. Then I found what I thought was an amazing man. We had sex twice. The first time resulted in pregnancy. (Didn't notice the condom slip off) The second time was when he found out I was pregnant. Then we found out I was having twins and he stopped talking to me. I finally texted him saying relationships can't last without communication and he used that text to break up with me.
I didn't hear from him for over a month just in time for him to show up for half of an ultrasound with his young daughter. I tried to hint at him to leave the room when they asked me to get undressed to get a cervical length but instead I ended up in the awkward position of having my ex and a three year old seeing me half naked while they checked my cervix. (I am at risk for preterm labor because my identical twin boys were born early)
I was not okay with that but I didn't want to cause issues around his daughter or at the doctors office.
So I convinced him to meet me to talk about the babies because my texts and emails were not being answered. He picked me up and he had just come from the gym so he wanted to stop by his place to shower before we went somewhere to talk. I didn't see an issue because we were to leave right after he was done. So we stopped by his place. I started watching a show in his room while he showered because it was the only TV without a child lock on it and the show contained violence or something so it wasn't for kids. I ended up dozing off for a few minutes and when I woke up he was back sitting behind me on his bed watching the show. We started talking for a minute but then both got distracted by the show again. Next thing I knew I had fallen asleep again and when I woke up he had my pants down he was fondling me and he had his penis between my butt cheeks and he was rubbing himself against me. (sorry for any offensive language but that is the only way I know how to put it) I pushed him away and I said no. Or at least I thought I did but he continued and I froze. I didn't know what to do. How could I have put myself in that position? I guess he had pleased himself because when I finally gathered my thoughts enough to move and use the bathroom as an excuse to remove myself he had already stopped. The back of my pants and underwear were wet and sticky and I remember feeling so sick. I still feel sick from it.
I have had nightmares every single night since then. Did he just not notice I was asleep and that was why I didn't fight? If that is the case what about when I pushed him and said no? I can't cut off all contact because we are about to have kids together so I feel lost and don't know what to do. I didn't report it because the cops down here do nothing so there wouldn't even be a point. (I have been physically attacked on multiple occasions and the cops just talked to the guy who did it and left him alone with no arrest even though there have always been witnesses so I have stopped trying with the police)
I have held all of this in for so long that it has started affecting my physical health so I came here to talk about it all because if I held it in any longer I don't know what would happen to me.
Here I am a single mom of three with two more on the way and I feel utterly alone and ashamed of myself. Is that what my life is meant to be? Am I meant to be a toy for men to use? How could I keep letting people do these things to me? I just hate myself.