I'm so sorry this happened to you. I too was abused by multiple men. I also know how you feel about crying. I only do it by myself. I sometimes do it in front of my parents if we're talking about my struggles. I was also punished if I showed emotion during my abuse. My problem when I tell my story out loud is I get totally numb and dissociate. I gave my statement to the police early last year and the victim services woman told me I sounded very distant from what I was saying, if that makes sense. I get the same way when I write down my memories (I still get new ones). When I add to my story I get very numb and write down my memories like wasn't me. It's only when I go back and read it that I find how incredibly personal and emotional it is.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I do suggest writing it down. For me, I wrote about it in as much detail as I could, because it helped to not hold back and to get absolutely everything out of my mind. Kind of like purging my mind of the horrible memories.

It does take time and healing to be able to say what happened out loud. It really helps if you trust the listener too.

Anyway, I hoped this helped at least a little bit. ((HUGS)) if okay

That takes great courage. It is such a huge step to come forward and talk about it. I also have several perpetrators. You have done nothing wrong. I am so happy to hear you are taking care of yourself with getting help. Please continue to help yourself. Give yourself permission to cry and heal. There are countless others. You are not alone.

When I read about stories like what you guys went through, I'm amazed at your capacity for survival and endurance. What I went/go through is so small by comparison, and I can barely function. You guys are like my superheros.

Hopeinjoy: I dont believe in comparing abuse. Abuse is abuse in all forms. We all feel the after affects. It doesnt matter how big or small. We all struggle becuze of it.

I find it easy to talk about the generalized part of my abuse. To be able to say I was sexually abused from the time I was three until I was seven. That is the easy part. When it came to telling who did it and what he did, it became harder to say. I skip around the issue as much as I can, even with my therapist. I have a young woman therapist and I have felt uneasy telling her the horrible things that were done to me. I can't do a personal journal because as the memories flow through me, I become so over come by them I become suicidal. I have had to learn to talk about what happened. And I find telling it to people who have gone through similar experiences the best way for me to talk aobut it. I know no one will judge me or blame me for it. I think you might fine it helpful to use your journal on here. You can keep it private or share it if you want a little help getting through something. On here, we all can be trusted and should not be judgmental. I know I am trust worthy and non judgemental if you ever just want to let all of it out. And then you might be able to cry and mourn for the person that was lost during that time.

tell me more, it is like that, you cant talk at times it hurts. actually
thats what another member said, when it came down to write it down
put that in a blanket and hug that too on the paper. it was like this stuff gets done in secret and then youre expected to talk about intimate stuff, out in the street almost, but yes sort of.

i can relate to u a lot. I have trouble talking about my abuse too. And i've problems expressing emotions too. I think the pain we feel from our abuse is often so much we 'emotionally distance' ourselves as a defence. We chose not to express much. But i think talking of it would help u 'feel' the emotions and will thus be helpful in ur healing.

an insurance rep told me they had to report paedos personally
somewhere not as part of the job. but they also told me that for what they were treated like for doing it, that it wasnt a nice experience.
i met intimadation witness intimadation, threats etc. actually it was victim support who said "now were down to witness intimadatinon"
so its not surprising people get scared. sorry for another post but i thought you may like the details at times of what happened
i hope thats ok to answer again. best wishes and love x

I can't talk either .

About what happened I mean

faithtofly,

I, too, found it hard to talk about--the specifics, I mean. And truly, I don't know that talking about specifics is critical to healing. I think it depends on the person and how much of a strangle-hold those memories have on them. Humm, I think I'm going to have to revise my statement here and say maybe talking about specifics IS critical to healing.

I was looking up a writing exercise I referenced below in Matt Atkinson's book, Resurrection After Rape, and saw that I had underlined the following, and I quote:

"Why should a woman revisit her rape (and I add, sexual abuse) and record it in all of its ugliness? What is the rationale for doing this? To put it simply, it's just not possible to recover from something we have not even named and described. We can say we have 'recovered' but from what? There is no such thing as a 'typical' rape, and nobody's reaction to rape will be exactly the same as another person's. In order to know exactly what you are recovering from, you must describe what you are recovering from."

I know you said you can write about it but that talking about it was hard. I found it easier to talk with a woman than a man; I don't know if that makes a difference to you.

But, Atkinson's writing exercise, which I did, and then took to therapy to read aloud helped more than I'd have ever realized.

Reading it aloud was hard and I broke down, but it freed something inside me. I'm not sure I can describe what got freed except to say I felt lighter and lighter over time.

The writing exercise is to be written "backwards in time" and must begin with this phrase:

"Dear______,
Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life. What I want you to know about it is..."

Atkinson goes on to say that in the letter you are to "say everything to yourself that you wish anyone had been able to say at the time. What would have helped you through it?"

My letter was very long because I experienced long-term abuse. I read it twice to two different therapists and gave a copy of it to my spouse. It helped me heal and discover...a great deal of previously buried stuff.

In his book, Atkinson talks about reprogramming our brain. I think the letter was a start. As was my finally being able to cry--no, my tears turned into wailing--for childhood lost.

You can move on when you face your fears, feel the feelings, express those feelings and then let go to let newly learned thoughts and behaviors guide you through life.

Hard work. But, it can be done with focus and commitment.

xx
SuzA

I also understand where you're coming from, faithtofly. It's good that you're seeing a counselor though. I'm also afraid to tell everything in detail to anyone, even my family. I was sexually abused from a toddler to about 5 years old.

I feel sick just talking about it here. I only told a tidbit of my story online and to my father. I guess I'm not the only one here who is scared of the feedback from people.