Years ago in talking with a friend who was not a survivor I learned that everyone carries shame, not just survivors. That was news to me.

Today, while reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, I heard again that "...shame is the UNIVERSAL fear of being unworthy of love and belonging...."

She devoted 17 pages to explaining shame. Everything in quotes is from her work.

She summarizes a few paragraphs by saying, "If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way--especially shame, fear and vulnerability."

We all know that shame, fear and being vulnerable get in the way of our healing. What are you telling yourself that keep you from feeling worthy?

From the list of seven that Brown wrote down my own biggest putdown was, "Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?" (this just brought tears to my eyes) for all the loss it represents.

She goes on to define shame as "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

I knew I felt flawed for years but didn't know why because I didn't remember the abuse. Lacking the memories I believed there was just something terribly wrong with me that could not be fixed. I thought it was some sort of internal defect I was born with.

But, I was wrong. It was the shame of abuse that my body remembered though my mind had buried it. Brown says there are three things that shame needs in order to live: "Secrecy, Silence, Judgment."

My shame thrived for I kept it a secret--even from myself--for 40 years. Silence was palpable. Judgement obvious in my poor choices.

She says and I quote again, "Shame happens between people, and it heals between people. If we can find someone who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken."

But before you start telling your story you need to cultivate what she calls, "shame resilience". She lists the four elements of this resilience which are based on years of research. She found that people with high levels of shame resilience share these elements.

People with high levels of shame resilience:
1) "...understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them."

And message that suggests I'm not enough triggers shame for me. Perceived slights also trigger shame.

2) "They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate."

I have found that Katie Byron's questions go a long way in helping me do this kind of reality checking. You can Google the questions, but my favorite of the questions is, 'Who would I be without this?'

3) "They reach out and share their stories with people they TRUST."

I was fortunate in this regard finding myself in the middle of survivors almost immediately once the memories returned. I recall telling only one person, who was not a survivor, about my childhood.

She was incensed and her behavior taught me that I had a right to be angry. Before that anger was not even a possibility.

4) "They speak shame--they use the word shame, they talk about how they're feeling, and they ask for what they need."

Oh, brother! This was my greatest challenge. I didn't know how I felt because in burying the memories I had also buried my feelings about things. I would only experience them vaguely and would then immediately bury them. It was too risky to feel because it might bring up the memories.

As for talking about what I needed, I was so needy it consumed and defined me. Though I do recall being filled with shame when my therapist said something about me being needy. I hated that word for years.

So the short-hand for shame resilience is:
"Name it."
"Talk about it"
"Own your story."
"Tell the story."

Brown says that, "Resilience is often a slow unfolding of understanding." And this means figuring out the real story.

When my therapist said I was needy what I heard that I was not enough. That I was this pathetic thing who had not been enough as a child to warrant loving care. And I felt shame for this flaw.

She says that "We also have to learn how we protect ourselves from shame if we want to develop worthiness." She goes on to quote Dr. Linda Hartling who explains that we either move away, move toward, or move against things to protect ourselves.

I almost always moved away from shame to protect myself by withdrawing, hiding, silencing myself and keeping secrets.

Those who move toward "seek to appease and please."

And those who move against do it by "trying to gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame."

"We have to respond to shame in a way that" doesn't make it worse, Brown says. And in order to do that we have to recognize when we're feeling shame.

According to her, "The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame symptoms." Her awareness includes "that warm wash of inadequacy..., heart races, face feels hot, mouth gets dry, armpits tingle and time slows down."

For me it feels as if someone fills my body with boiling water. That boiling water starts at the top of my head and quickly moves toward my feet.

My body feels the pain of the boiling water and makes it hard for me to breathe. My brain stops working and I can't escape fast enough. Then I must hide long enough for me to lick those wounds and dig a deep hole to bury myself in.

Knowing your "personal symptoms" of shame lets you get "deliberate" in your response to shame.

Brene Brown offers four questions that she says "Figuring out the answers can change your life:"

1) Who do you become when you're backe3d into that shame corner?

2) How do you protect yourself?

3) Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?"

4) What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?

Finally, she says "Our Stories Are Not Meant for Everyone.
Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: 'Who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear my story?' "

If I could underline and highlight that complete sentence I would because it is critical to our safety, well-being and healing.

I hope I have done justice to Brene Brown's 17 pages on shame.

xx
SuzA
P.S.
Brown gives a concise definition of guilt vs shame.
"Guilt = I did something bad."
"Shame = I am bad."