Something similar happened to my with my rapist. I also felt alone and discarded and unloved. You did what you needed to do to save yourself. Maybe the anger will come later as you realize all the damage your abuser did against you and how difficult it is to improve it.
I wish you a peaceful sleep and better days.

My heart goes to you and I am so sorry for what you are going through. My abuser was my father and when I first remembered I was only in touch with the fear and devastation over the trauma of being molested. Recently I've come to realize how much my father meant to me. He was also my first love and my Hero. I no longer see a monster and the shame and grief I feel over being in love with my perpetrator are almost unbearable. When he left home I was despondent. I felt horribly betrayed. I was so enmeshed with him I had no idea how to live in the world without him. Like you, I still can't find any anger towards him. It's so much easier to turn the anger inward instead of onto the abuser where it belongs. My hope is that one day I'll be able to see my father as having both good and qualities and that that can be acceptable. Neither all monster or all savior, just a flawed person who never should have abused me, but one I loved dearly nonetheless. This is my first post and I thank you for having the courage to address this difficult subject. You gave me the strength to start dealing with some of my most painful issues. I wish you peace and self-compassion as you continue on your journey.

...Yeah, the thing is...when your brother could no longer use you as a sexual plaything, he totally lost interest in you.
That isn't love.

It was probably the most touch, cuddling, and closeness you received though, and children need to be held...enough so that they will allow sex to happen in order to get the affection, if not given touch in healthy ways.

He used your own needs against you to get what he wanted...I am familiar with this.
My/our dad was much the same for most of the abuse...We went to him because he was the only one there.
Even though he hurt Toby very badly...we would wake up screaming if we slept alone.
We went to him because we needed someone...and he began to turn us into his perfect sexual slave. It was somehow worse than just throwing us down and pounding us, which is what Toby came out for.

When my grandma moved in and made it impossible for him to use me/us sexually? I went back to being a punchable nuisance.
We were only good for sex.

My sexual alter misses daddy.

I had 2 abusers, one was my brother and the other his friend. I know now it wasn't love but at the time it was the closest thing to love that I had. My dad was an angry , sometimes violent man and when he came home he hid behind the newspaper and that was a good place for him. I hated having any interaction with him.

My mom worked evening shift for awhile so she wasn't home much. She tried, at least when I was younger, but she was burned out and had her own issues.

It was not love but it was what I had.

The man who abused me was a neighbor and when I finally remembered the day he discarded me I felt all the hurt return. I was 12 and had showed up to his house for our usual 'meeting' and he found out I had started with my period. When he found out I had already had it twice he was livid. This man who I thought loved me was so angry with me that he kicked me out and discarded me like I was trash. Like all that made me female was the most disgusting thing he had ever encountered. I, like you, felt totally abandoned. I felt a hurt that cut as deep as any hurt could. The anger...that came later. For this I processed it a bit backwards. Usually the hurt is hiding under the anger but in this case the hurt came first. Once I processed the hurt the anger came and once I processed that... I was done with him.

It may be different because you are processing these emotions for your brother - or it may work the same - time will tell.

I am very sorry that you are feeling such deep hurt.

"It was not love but it was what I had."
Precisely.

In my case, the anger found me, not the other way around.
I have had 2 hours' sleep, but seem to recall that you've gotten your wheels really stuck over this lack of anger you "should" have...
You are allowed to just feel hurt, and not angry, you know.
How you "should" feel about something is irrelevant.

Another thought in the form of a question:
What would be the ideal way to feel about him in regards to the long-term goal of letting go of him?

...I mean, have you kinda-sorta been stuck pining for him?

I'm kind of thinking about those horrible crushes I got as a teenager. Oh, those were miserable.

Alright, I will stop using the spaghetti technique now.
(Throw different solving ideas at the problem until, much like a cooked noodle, one sticks.)

I'm not sure, Blue. This is all new to me. For so long my childhood was like watching a movie. No feelings at all. memories intact but there just weren't feelings. I'm not pining for him. I guess it came off like that the way I wrote it but that was not what I meant.

I am just trying to process right now. I am just figuring out what I was feeling. I am trying to see what that feeling might relate to in my life today.

I don't miss him. I wish I had know good love as a child. I feel sad about that. I feel sad that this perv made me feel more loved and wanted than my parents.

For me, I learned that if I ran my mouth to anyone who would listen, they would get mad and beat me up (show me attention) so that's what I did.. Well, one day during my almost daily beatings, the neighbor kid decided to rape me using a farm crop. When he was done doing that, back to beating me up.. At that time I was around 12/13 yrs old.
It didn't matter how badly I was beat at the hands of my school mates, I still ran my mouth cause that was a form of attention for me..
With me, the abuse nvr happened at the hands of my folks, or brother... But I also nvr went to them for help..
I knew if I ratted them out either the next time would be worse, or their friends would get even with me.
So I just delt with it.

I understand the thoughts your having about the one who was hurting you.. I also understand being tossed out with the garbage...but that's a different day... I can't right now. Sorry

I think that's why a lot of us have lousy relationships in our history. We want attention, are willing to put up with a lot of pain and humiliation to get it. Also we have such poor self esteem we use the wrong ways to get it, which may be why we get stereotyped as sex addicts, satyrs and nymphomaniacs.

The obvious solution would be for survivors to date other survivors BUT like most obvious solutions it often turns into a total disaster. The stories I could tell on that embarrass me to discuss, and I can discuss anything usually.

So I have no solution, just understanding of the problem.

This really hit home with me. My abuser was the only person to ever show me any kind of love and attention. I grew up starving for love. I even had make believe friends and lovers.

My abuser filled that hole in my life so completely. He actually did protect me and provide some of life's basic necessities. Yes, he was abusing me sexually the whole time too. But he was the only person who showed me any love. Ironic that I chose the name Flowergurl. I would have wilted and died long ago if I were truly a flower.

So, I sometimes let him back into my life. I have a weakness for him. Part of me believes that he may actually have done more good than harm. I truly believe I might have killed myself for lack of love of any kind. Yes, he did abuse me. Yes, he abused me for his own gratification. How is one to balance the fact that I at least felt loved enough not to take my own life.

Can anyone identify with my severely mixed up and twisted emotions?

Ha how could I of all people not weigh in on this one? I mean honestly I married my abuser so what's that say? Hmm really what does that say? I was so starving for someone to notice I was alive that I was THERE that it didn't matter that he used me and obviohsly was going to continue? I'm curious what yall do with your anger when it sneaks in. With this rage that tries to eat you from the inside.

Flowergurl, I can relate quite well. I've been in relationships where I gave out a lot more than I got back, because I needed the VERY little I got back to keep from killing myself. It was the least fun part of my life and I am very sorry you were EVER in that state as well.

I used to know people in the BDSM lifestyle that seemed to be making similar trades. Especially some of the "dominants" interestingly enough. They wanted someone to like them, and could fake being a bully well enough to barter that. The submissives I got to know were people that actually liked abuse as long as they had a safe word and could "be in control from underneath" as one explained it. To those couples, it made perfect sense in context, as a negotiation so everyone got what they needed.

I think that's when I gave up ever figuring out how people work. We're ALL a mess, we're all lost. We just need to find the right way to team up to minimize the harm and maximize the support.

Anger is a hard emotion for me to deal with. I have a bunch of anger and it crosses the line into rage. The problem is I end up directing it at myself or some innocent bystander.

Once I told my tdoc I knew where my abuser lives and I am tempted to stop by his work place or home. He asked what I would do and what would be the worst thing that could happen. I told him the worst thing that could happen is that my abuser wouldn't know me or remember me.

I think it's important for you to realize that what you have with your abuser is a fantasy bond. It's based on a child's psychological needs and therefore it's not really about the person you are bonded to. I am hoping this will be comforting to you. If you delve into those feelings you have, you will probably discover that they are not very much about the actual person you are thinking of and in the end you may find that he looms very small in your world, except for the damage he did you.

My fantasy bond was with my brother and it was a relief and also a kind of loss to realize that's what it was. He still brings up intense feelings in me but rationally I can suppose those feelings are not about him as much as they are about myself. I had such intense feelings about him when I saw him recently, but by the time I got to therapy that week the feelings were all but gone.

When you realize the feelings are much more about yourself and your child self than the abuser, he shrinks. He loses his power over you. That seems very important to me, because as he shrinks I feel less diminished by him. I feel more powerful and more important and autonomous.

Keep forging ahead. I think what you find down the road will be a lot more empowering and dignifying than you imagine.

Abusers are confused people most of the time; yo me that means that you may choose to forgive them for they knew not what they did, or hate them - because the world told them "no" and they chose to believe in themselves instead ... but they are never "safe" to keep hanging out with ...
You might choose to have a therapist sponsor a meetup even, if you choose, a few people do ... just remember "No matter what I think of him, he is toxic" ... please do not forget that & keep yourself safe.
He might genuinely care for you somehow too, but he is toxic.