Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Shame, guilt, and self-depreciation are not good stock to invest in. They have a completely predictable payout...victim hood. Even so, we buy into the lies we were taught, colluding* with our dysfunctional families and society to achieve the greatest deception of all---that the abuse was our fault. And in this secret agreement we feel inadequate, dirty, less-than, and unlovable.
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we trade in the lies for the truth? What if each one of us took a vow to demand of ourselves the facts, with the first fact being that our perception of ourselves and of the world was shaped by dysfunctional, sick, and wounded people.
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we notice every time we have a thought that devalues our person, we challenge it and replace it with the truth. The core of that truth being that our natural needs, desires, wants, curiosity, and fears were all distorted to suit the perpetrators.
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we stop blaming ourselves for being taught to behave in sexual ways through the cunning grooming of perpetrators? What if we identify our inner critic---right, that voice that tells us, and delights in pointing out all the ways we don't measure up; the one who plays on our fear of really being unlovable---and replace that critic?
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we learn to be gentle, forgiving and generous with ourselves? Don't you think this is a big step in transforming our experience of ourself and our world? I do.
________________
I read an article on Oprah's website that inspired these thoughts. The article was actually talking about how our culture worships beauty and how we need to change that by not buying into it. I think not buying into the lies of perpetrator brainwashing can change lives too.
Asking for suggestions, ideas, and tools that worked for you to help move you beyond victim mentality. Some of mine were going to Ellen Bass' workshops to heal, doing Eugene Genlin's Focusing work . Doing Peter Levine's somatic release work. Seeing a therapist for years. Doing a past life regression. EMDR work. Lots of journal writing. Lots of art work, lots of collage work. And reading tons of books on topic. What helped you the most?
*I'm using the Am Heritage Dictionary definition of collude: "A secret agreement between two or more persons for a deceitful or fraudulent purpose."
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we trade in the lies for the truth? What if each one of us took a vow to demand of ourselves the facts, with the first fact being that our perception of ourselves and of the world was shaped by dysfunctional, sick, and wounded people.
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we notice every time we have a thought that devalues our person, we challenge it and replace it with the truth. The core of that truth being that our natural needs, desires, wants, curiosity, and fears were all distorted to suit the perpetrators.
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we stop blaming ourselves for being taught to behave in sexual ways through the cunning grooming of perpetrators? What if we identify our inner critic---right, that voice that tells us, and delights in pointing out all the ways we don't measure up; the one who plays on our fear of really being unlovable---and replace that critic?
What if, instead of colluding with our families and society, we learn to be gentle, forgiving and generous with ourselves? Don't you think this is a big step in transforming our experience of ourself and our world? I do.
________________
I read an article on Oprah's website that inspired these thoughts. The article was actually talking about how our culture worships beauty and how we need to change that by not buying into it. I think not buying into the lies of perpetrator brainwashing can change lives too.
Asking for suggestions, ideas, and tools that worked for you to help move you beyond victim mentality. Some of mine were going to Ellen Bass' workshops to heal, doing Eugene Genlin's Focusing work . Doing Peter Levine's somatic release work. Seeing a therapist for years. Doing a past life regression. EMDR work. Lots of journal writing. Lots of art work, lots of collage work. And reading tons of books on topic. What helped you the most?
*I'm using the Am Heritage Dictionary definition of collude: "A secret agreement between two or more persons for a deceitful or fraudulent purpose."
Your post is 'Brilliant.' The compassion could be felt as I was reading it.
Thank You for the thoughts and seeds you've planted in me.
I got very ill while undergoing e.m.d.r. I kinda got " stuck " in 3 year old mode. It was awful--
" All the king's horses & all the king's men "...--couldn't put Rua together again--
Eventually I had to be hospitalized and medicated pretty heavily to come back together as one functioning adult woman.
My experiences with e.m.d.r. have clouded my opinion of this treatment ..
...I believe that it is very dangerous.. It was 'invented' by one woman--and not tested for efficacy or potential pitfalls..she just thought it up and introduced it ...without scientific method, research or support from any university..
It is a form of regression therapy no matter what it's called.
In itself it's arduous--asking the survivor to re-live her/his painful history..
I am glad that it works for you-I'm not trying to tell you what to do-I am just trying to play devil's advocate for others who may not be well enough to uindergo this mode of therapy!!
I'm looking forward to more of your hopeful and informative posts. Thank you for sharing what you have discovered with us.
I know you all will understand when I tell you that I cried my way through your responses---it's about validation. It's about being seen. (My greatest fear). I am grateful for your responses but even more grateful to know that, in time and with healing, survivors can become thrivers---your responses have shown me that.
And coolie, learning to say I love you to my mirror image was one of the hardest things I did. At first I felt revolted, but as I continued to look deep into my eyes as I practiced self-love, it became easier. Now, whenever I pass a mirror I wink and smile at myself.
Gratitude lists, rua, also helped me stay focused on the fact that I'm more than the abuse. I'm sorry to hear EMDR didn't work for you and I'm glad you sent out the warning. Because the tools don't work for everyone it becomes very important that we learn to listen to the feedback our bodies give us.
Don't Steal and dragonlady66, I feel grateful to be part of your journal and thoughts. And mtnmama62 I can't wait to get your feedback.
Finally, McFudd, your quote will keep me going, "We are all lead to the truth for which we are ready." I get frustrated over the fact that the next level of healing--thriving--is not out there for survivors to hear. I know we cannot just skip the healing work necessary as a survivor, but I want survivors to know there is more. We all deserve to become thrivers.
You dearest people, thank you so much for the validation, for your support and for the tools that take you out of victim mentality. I hope we get more.
Don't we just ever!! And for many of us, we grow up having no clue at all that this is NOT the truth! When the whole family is dysfunctional and the child knows nothing different from the moment of birth, then getting rid of these lies that we were taught is even harder. Various people in my life since adulthood have told me that I am not "less than" but I never believed them, it never sunk in. It was one of the hardest things to overcome so far in my recovery, the guilt, shame and blame.
I think what helped me most in getting rid of it was looking at the children of the age that I was when it all started. That was an eye opener. Other things that have helped tremendously so far have been therapy, journaling/writing, and lots of reading on topic. I seem to spend an awful lot of time within myself, remembering, searching for reasons why I do the things I do. I spend a lot of time talking here to other survivors as well, which also helps.
It does distress me when I hear those that insist on self~depreciation. What makes us any more or less than anyone else? Why would anyone be less than deserving of kind treatment, respect, and dignity? So many of us have thought or do think that we are what the abuse made us. WE ARE NOT! We are what we have made ourselves after having to deal with a heinous crime perpetrated against us. And it takes a whole lot of strength to do anything after being abused, after being made to want to lay down and die. But we did NOT lay down and die! We got up and carried on with life the best we could, and if we are here, then we are learning to carry on with life with the better skills that we are trying to teach ourselves. That says a lot about what kind of people we are. Certainly not LESS THAN.
I think that there are those that see the potential in us, and they are envious or afraid. They do not want to see us come into our own, to heal, to become assertive, to have a knowledge of our own self worth. They want to keep us feeling "less than" because of their own insecurities, and to keep some sort of authority over us. These people could be our friends, our families, any who are in contact with us. Small digs, subtle insults, (sometimes not so small or subtle) bad behaviors and taking advantage of us, all those kinds of things that weigh us down and help to keep us from realizing our own value, our own potential. This post is a great eye opener towards that. It is hard to find healthy people in this society that we can surround ourselves with because everyone has bought into the negative beliefs in some way! We change ourselves, JUST ourselves, and we change the world!
I have been having a really hard time this week because I have just finished therapy after nearly a year (NHS free therapy so I had no choice but to stop my allocation of sessions was already exceeded). I have been so scared to face the world alone without my therapist to speak to but this post makes me think I can.
I have been so lucky to have had a wonderful therapist who has helped me tremendously but I still put myself down everyday without even realising that I am doing it. I am getting better (I haven't self harmed since January) but its no walk in the park.
Anyway, thank you so, so much for this. I am trying to stop blaming myself everyday and hope that one day I will succeed and be happy in my own skin.
Thank you for your feedback.
I'd forgotten, Mtnmama62, how powerful going to the playground to see the kids can be. I remember doing that too. I'd watch them play and had a hard time imagining how anyone could harm them.
I tried to put myself in their place and it would just bring up so much sorrow for the childhood I never had. Yet, it helped me to grow compassion for my inner child-self.
What a great healing tool; I knew you'd come up with something wonderful. And I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you are a person who honors your word; you said you'd be back and you did. Hugs to you.
Tryingstill, you can face the world because you are NOT alone. You will have good days and bad days, just like everyone else in the world only, unlike everyone else in the world, you have this particular group of people to turn to for help and support. We can hear you.
I love that you are determined to heal because it's your determination that will help move you through the hard stuff. We are here with you.
xoxo
Do you know what's REALLY fantastic? That YOU hear the message of this post; that has me jumping for joy.
xx
Your post is so, so true. Your words reflect the power of looking at these young, innocent children and seeing "how tiny and vulnerable they still are." And realizing that all of us were that tiny and vulnerable at one time.
I had to swallow over the lump in my throat when you wrote, "How utterly impossible it would be for a child of that size and maturity to fight, to say anything, or even to make sense of what has happened to them."
Since my abuse began in the crib there was not a day in my life I could look back to and say, 'before the abuse began' so it took me a very long time to even question whether or not what was going on in my family was normal.
Those questions did not begin until I was 40. In the meantime I did a lot of acting-out unaware of where these behaviors originated. I just thought there was someting terribly wrong with me--that somehow, I was defective.
But the defect did not lie in me....
I'm so happy for you, dragonlady66, that you have your grandchildren to move you forward in your healing because not only are you healing yourself, but you are also showing your grandchildren there is another way to be. That is how I consoled myself when I was away from my small son to go to healing workshops.
"How do we get to the place of knowing we did not make any of this happen?" I, obviously, cannot speak for anyone other than myself. For me this "place of knowing" came from doing a lot of body memory release work.
Many hugs to you.