I am so sorry all this happened to you. I, like most people here, was also taught that feeling was not allowed. I blocked out the abuse for 30+ years so when the memories returned it was in the form of flashbacks. At first there was no emotion attached to them. In time I was able to connect with the emotions and really feel them. It was in feeling them that i was able to process them and heal. It is very scary to feel all those feelings so we become numb to them and learn very quickly to never show them. It is, however, very important for you to allow yourself to feel them. It is only in feeling them and processing them that we heal.

Maybe you can try to get in touch with your feelings by writing or maybe through art. Have you tried either of these methods?

I see your point..."feeling is healing" is pretty much what people say. I am not afraid of the feelings or emotions just...sigh...bored? Not really numb just get resentful of people demanding that I display them. I journal a great deal and i have the Courage to Heal workbook and have been doing all the writing exercises.

I also had a therapist from 36 to 38 who made a big deal of feeling and emotion and I did become more expressive but then people did not want to be around me. When I was comfortable enough to tell her about what happened between my brother and I, she hurriedly ended our relationship, saying she did not see people past 2 years. She also had a nasty habit of telling me how to feel. I also had 2 therapists from 24 to 27ish. I have had lots of therapy...lol.

I tell people that I have the emotional life of an 11 year old boy. And i am happy with it. I also tell people that I am an emotional retard. However, I am good when people are emotional. I can get people to calm down quickly and though feelings and emotions are not my cup of tea, I make allowances for other people to have them. i have a 11 year old daughter and I am very careful to allow her to express her emotions, I encourage her.

I have an important question for you and anyone else.


You say that it is important to allow yourself to feel them...in your opinion, why? :) How do you think it healed you?

When I felt all the feelings I released them. I screamed, I yelled, I cried, I punched a punching bag. I felt the anguish of betrayal and a hurt that cut so deep it took my breath away. Before I allowed myself to feel I had anxiety and panic so bad I was almost immobile. The terror from the abuse was alive inside of me and it was only in processing the feelings that the terror was released and the anxiety and panic stopped. There were also body memories that were released/healed as I processed the feelings. I went through a long period during the healing process when I couldn't stop thinking about the abuse. Now that I have processed everything the abuse is a very distant memory that I have no emotional attachment too.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12 (I am 47) and have had several therapists I didn't like. You definitely need to find the right therapist for this to work. And you need to be ready to let go of the feelings you are holding onto.

Let me ask you this. How is it working for you holding onto all these buried feelings? If it is working for you and you are living a wonderful happy life with no attachment to your abuse - then you are doing fine. But, if you think about the abuse, have anxiety, have body aches and pains, have difficulty with intimacy or are just plain unhappy then you may want to rethink whether or not holding onto your feelings is the right thing to do. I found releasing them was best for me. I feel sooo much more alive now and I have moved from surviving to living. It's a wonderful feeling.

Yeah, I just don't know how I feel about a lot of it. Idk how to answer anything so whenever I answer I just say "idk" and I worry that it irritates her.

I am sorry about that therapist that ditched you after two years. That makes no sense and she should have told you that from the beginning if that really was true. I had a therapist ditch me before and it hurt my feelings so badly. I still feel hurt about it.

Thanks for your reply. luckyempath. I suppose one of the big differences with me is that I never blocked the memory of the abuse. From the time it happened until present day it has been with me. I suppose the change has been to view it as abuse and myself as a victim. That happened in the last six months when I found myself getting angry at my mother during a bipolar mania for the sexual abuse I had endured. I am actually quite angry at my mother for making me feel shame when I told her about my brother and I. It has caused me years of low self esteem and mistrust towards women which dooms most of my female friendship. Sure, the actual abuse was bad but my mother's reaction was much much worse....lol.

I am still determining if I am holding on to the feelings....you have to understand that some of my feelings are not really as noticeable. In fact, most of the time I am pretty zen calm...you get this way after meditating and yoga with a couple of intense psychotic episode that kinda feel like rapture - nirvana.

If I buried anything is was my anger at my mother for her utter lack of empathy and tact when I told her when I was 14. I think I did a lot of drugs mainly LSD to mentally get away from her. I have worked at seeing things for her point of view and giving her a little latitude for maybe getting surprised with the information. The abuser my brother has spent a lifetime in and out of prison and mental institutions so like he got his karma.

But all your information is good, it helps me understand better and I appreciate you replying.

LoveAlice, I am sorry about your therapist...it is a big hurt because this people are suppose to be professionals.

So many Men and Women your age were robbed of a Childhood, which makes my blood boil. My childhood was spent in isolation. But instead of resorting to Acid, I resorted to compulsive overeating and am now 301 Pounds. (my peak weight was 350)

Reginox - anger is a very valid emotion to have and it's important that you get it out in a way that is healthy and safe for you and those around you. When I was working on my anger issues I did several things:

When it was anger with my mother I found that writing (typing) got it out best. I would pound on my keyboard getting out all my anger - the poor keyboard. I would write all the words that I 'shouldn't' say to someone else and then, sometimes, I would print them out and burn them. Sometimes I needed to yell and scream at the top of my lungs everything I wanted to say to her and then I would punch pillows. Ripping up phone books was good therapy too. I also have a punching bag that I use.

When I was getting out the anger at the man who abused me I also punched the punching bag and screamed and yelled. I cried a lot. Crying is also a way to release the anger. My therapist suggested I buy a body size pillow and draw the abuser on it and take my anger out on that. I did this and it did help me a lot. I punched that pillow, threw it up against the wall, kicked it and stomped on it. I also strangled it a lot.

Don't be surprised if more feelings come out as you work through you anger because in many cases anger is masking many deeper emotions. This may be why you can't feel them yet. My therapist explained that some of this is because many of us grew up in households where anger was an accepted emotion and was considered strength whereas other emotions were considered weak and not supported. So we tucked away all the other emotions, labeling them as 'weak' and decided to never show them or feel them again.

Be patient with your process and work on your anger as best as you can. It still needs to be processed just like every other emotion. And the shame you feel...shame only has power as long as you do not talk about it. The more you talk about what you feel shame about the less shame you will feel.

Take care