Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
i feel gulty why i dont now why here it gose the man that sa me was my brothers father and he killed him self last friday and i have no feelings but i anger towered people for making him look like a good guy and a good father why no one is looking at the bad stuff all my mom is doing to me is braging about him to me i cant take it its giveing me flash backs
I hear you hlep. I just returned from my mother's funeral two weeks ago and prior to the service the pastor asked to meet with the immediate family to help him prepare a service for her.
He said he wanted a balanced picture of her since no one is all good or all bad. I said I didn't know her that well since she left when I was four. (There is a whole story behind why she left but my four-year old mind only knows that one day my mom was there and then she was gone.)
At any rate, besides the nice things in those four years that I remember I also knew that she didn't protect me from the perpetrators and may have even played a part herself (this I'm not positive about). My take on her was that she was a spineless person and I said just that.
The pastor knew she had left three of her children behind and that she had also raised all the grandchildren of her two oldest daughters. I think she tried to makeup for her earlier years, but again, I'm not really sure.
Nonetheless, when it came to the actual service the pastor turned my mom into a virtual saint saying "she was a wonderful mother"....well, she wasn't a wonderful mother to me. She may have been to her grandchildren but she did not know how to mother me and I'd certainly never say she was a wonderful mother to me even though we did connect on the level of humor the last month of her life.
It seems to be human nature not to want to speak ill of the dead. Of course, I'd prefer they say nothing rather than paint them into sainthood.
It sounds like your mom is going overboard, however, for whatever reason. If it's bringing on flashbacks I'd have to tell her the truth and ask her not to "brag" to me about him because he is not the saint she's making him out to be.
When that happens in my family---and it does for there are those who still refuse to believe that their brother was a perpetrator---I walk out of the room or ignore whatever praise they have for him.
While I agree that no one is 100% evil or 100% good I'm not sure how to walk that middle line, yet. Maybe it's about presenting both sides of the picture. I'm not sure.
Take care of yourself and leave when she starts praising his memory.
xx
I just reread your post and my answer and feel that I missed the mark. Sorry.
I'm wondering if your guilt is a question many people ask of themselves when suicides happen---"Did I do something wrong?" Or, "Could I have done something to help him/her." Or, as a survivor, "I wonder if he killed himself because of what he did to me?"
One of my uncles killed himself years ago but I've always wondered if he did it out of despair for all the abuse he perpetrated.
And when my family praises this man I feel betrayed all over again. Don't they care that he hurt me? Don't they care that he hurt others? How can they just ignore the pain and suffering he caused and make him into a "good guy?"
I understand how this denial of reality can create guilt, anger and flashbacks. Please let your mom know this man is not deserving of "bragging" rights. And if that is not possible, leave the room when she starts in; eventually, she'll get the message that you don't want to hear it. This is called taking care of yourself.
xxx