Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I just realized that I joined this group but never introduced myself or told my story. I have a lot to tell but I will just refer to the sexual abuse since that is the purpose of the group.
My very first memory of my childhood is of my mom's torn worn out, dark red couch in our living room in California... with a jar of vaseline sitting on top of it. That's all I can remember of that since I was only 4 yrs old and have blocked out a lot of my childhood (I think it's my body's way of protecting me) I know right around that time, I was taken away from my parent's and placed in the foster care system. My next memory is being in a group home, in the bathtub, when the fire alarm went off and feeling scared and embarrassed. Fast forward to when I was 11. I lived with my mom but I was an troubled kid and began running away from home, bouncing back and forth between my mom and my dad. When I was 12, my dad started turning to me when he was having problems in his relationship. He'd ask me to perform oral sex on him and force me to allow him to perform oral sex on me. I was always so scared of what he'd do, that I cooperated... I remember him shaving my vaginal area once, and cutting me with scissors. To this day, I have a hard time allowing anyone to shave me in that area without having a panic attack. My dad was not only sexually abusive towards me but he also became very physically abusive as well. He'd force me to lean over his waterbed while he beat me with a 3 inch thick leather belt. This went on from the time I was 12 until I was 15, when I finally moved out on my own.
I tried to tell people on a few different occasions but my dad would always prey on my heart, telling me that he'd lost his girlfriend, his kids and his family.He'd always convince me to recant my story.
I have told friends and lovers this over the years and a few have confronted my father about it. He'd always say "Are these the lies you have been telling?" Only one person spoke up to say that he knew I wasn't lying because he slept next to me at night, and comforted me when I was having nightmares about what he had done to me.
Over the years after I had gotten married and had children of my own, my relationship with my father was always very... distant? stressed? estranged to a point... I don't know exactly how to describe it... He'd try to buy my love and respect with money or gifts... it wasn't until just a few years ago that he had actually came out and apologized for what he had done to me that I was able to somewhat begin to heal. That is the day that I can say I was finally able to forgive him. He FINALLY admitted what he did and that it was wrong.
To this day only certain people know the truth. Some believe me, some don't, since I recanted my story before. I have been trying to rebuild somewhat of a normal relationship with my father, especially recently since my mom passed away a little over a month ago... Is this weird? I don't feel comfortable being alone with him and there are times when he asks my advice about his current relationships when he shares what I feel is too much information...
My very first memory of my childhood is of my mom's torn worn out, dark red couch in our living room in California... with a jar of vaseline sitting on top of it. That's all I can remember of that since I was only 4 yrs old and have blocked out a lot of my childhood (I think it's my body's way of protecting me) I know right around that time, I was taken away from my parent's and placed in the foster care system. My next memory is being in a group home, in the bathtub, when the fire alarm went off and feeling scared and embarrassed. Fast forward to when I was 11. I lived with my mom but I was an troubled kid and began running away from home, bouncing back and forth between my mom and my dad. When I was 12, my dad started turning to me when he was having problems in his relationship. He'd ask me to perform oral sex on him and force me to allow him to perform oral sex on me. I was always so scared of what he'd do, that I cooperated... I remember him shaving my vaginal area once, and cutting me with scissors. To this day, I have a hard time allowing anyone to shave me in that area without having a panic attack. My dad was not only sexually abusive towards me but he also became very physically abusive as well. He'd force me to lean over his waterbed while he beat me with a 3 inch thick leather belt. This went on from the time I was 12 until I was 15, when I finally moved out on my own.
I tried to tell people on a few different occasions but my dad would always prey on my heart, telling me that he'd lost his girlfriend, his kids and his family.He'd always convince me to recant my story.
I have told friends and lovers this over the years and a few have confronted my father about it. He'd always say "Are these the lies you have been telling?" Only one person spoke up to say that he knew I wasn't lying because he slept next to me at night, and comforted me when I was having nightmares about what he had done to me.
Over the years after I had gotten married and had children of my own, my relationship with my father was always very... distant? stressed? estranged to a point... I don't know exactly how to describe it... He'd try to buy my love and respect with money or gifts... it wasn't until just a few years ago that he had actually came out and apologized for what he had done to me that I was able to somewhat begin to heal. That is the day that I can say I was finally able to forgive him. He FINALLY admitted what he did and that it was wrong.
To this day only certain people know the truth. Some believe me, some don't, since I recanted my story before. I have been trying to rebuild somewhat of a normal relationship with my father, especially recently since my mom passed away a little over a month ago... Is this weird? I don't feel comfortable being alone with him and there are times when he asks my advice about his current relationships when he shares what I feel is too much information...
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I want to validate your difficulties being in a relationship with your father. I myself forgot everything about my father's abuse of me in childhood. I had a lot of therapy and fought my way to a good life, but when I hit 40 my health started going downhill, and it kept going. I finally realized I had to return to the crimes of my childhood and heal those emotional wounds if I was ever to be healthy again. Yet I couldn't start this work until after my father died, a couple of years ago. I was too embroiled in the false reality, sacrificing my need for truth and healing so the rest of my family could have a nice, pretend life.
I have no doubt that you have an enormous reservoir of hurt and anger inside of you. It's nice that your dad had the balls to admit what he'd done, but I doubt he can even imagine the enormous depth of damage he did you. Anyone who is selfish enough to use a child for their sexual needs is going to be deficient in empathy and responsibility. I imagine your father's confession and apology were really about his need for connection, or to assuage his guilt, or some other selfish purpose. I don't think you owe him a thing, as he destroyed you in childhood - yes, destroyed.
I hope you are in counseling. I hope what I wrote wasn't too harsh for you. I just think you don't owe him anything - you might as well get into counseling and find out what you need to start healing from the damage done to you, and don't worry about what he feels or what anyone else thinks. Nobody took care of you and protected you when you were a vulnerable kid. You have every reason and every right to take care of yourself however you can now. And taking care of yourself is also taking care of your kids, who are the only ones whose needs might outrank your own.