I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry you're lonely. Why do you call yourself a baby? Every other week there's a new study that points out how much human beings need connection. Damn it. So we're doomed to be connected or be lonely.

I'm not denying any real-world reasons for you to feel lonely when I say this, but I do think that having your own self, loving your own self, being whole and lovingly reconnected with your inner child(s) will go far towards healing the loneliness. This is what I think about myself, too. I have a husband and kids in the house with me, but I still feel lonely because I am only 40% of myself and the other 60% is in a permanent state of isolation, locked away in a separate compartment whose walls I am working at deconstructing.

When you've been betrayed by someone you loved and trusted, you become alienated from yourself. You must not be who you thought you were, if someone you thought loved you could treat you like that. Walls go up in your heart and mind. Those walls cut us off from ourselves and from other people. They leave us so alone.

Donna,
Thanks for being such a great friend. I guess I am thinking it is all my own fault I am lonely. In some ways it is. I feel so embarrassed by how I look it makes it hard to go out shopping, let alone be social. My self confidence is pretty low right now and I get myself caught up in the cycle of saying I'm too unattractive (fat) to go out so I will stay home until I am attractive (lose weight). I struggle to lose weight because I sit at home and comfort myself with food as well as keep the weight on to feel safer. Round and round I go. I am still a little afraid of approaching that inner little girl. It just seems like a scary thing to do for some reason.

I agree with donnawanda...and strong hope you can spot judging yourself...it only makes it worse. And at the root is that hurt child..you put the harsh word to the current you but calling self a baby makes the point, the child believes she's to blame.

Regarding loneliness, me too and I agree with developing relationship with inner child, that very hurt, angry, untrusting child but who is filled with love, life, joy and full range of emotions is right below all the crap the abuse and neglect caused. In the end it's you who must be the loving, nurturing parent...you must come to love her and in doing yourself. If you do you'll feel less lonely as you have her again the healthy loving child she and you truly are...do that and you'll at the same time begin feeling less afraid and more open to people who could potentially become friends. I'm lonely too but now that I'm conscious and aware I've never been fully present and thus never really made love to the person I did love..it was always about lust. Since I'm still not sure I can remain present I remain afraid as I can't accept the old way exclusively so I feel stuck. But very much need and want a like companion. I'm lonely too and am developing relationship with my inner boy. Maybe as our relationship grows further and he's less afraid, I'll lose my adult fear too but not there yet.

Both he and I think you were very courageous writing this post saying what you have..I hope you feel less embarrassed now that you've announced it to everyone who reads it....as it too is an unwarranted and unnecessary emotion as it's just stating a truth about you and openly talking about something that I feel too and know vast numbers of other survivors relate to even ones in relationships as already stated.. We are certainly not alone. But like shame is not talked about nearly enough as they both destroy lives and no survivor should be experiencing either but do..but you did...thank you

Thank you sadave,
I often , if not always disassociated during sex. The thought of actually making love causes anxiety. It is so bad I can't even have sexual fantasies about men I am attracted to.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. But I am also very happy that you have come to realize that you ARE lonely. Now that you realize this you can do something about it. It may not be something that gets resolved quickly but it will get resolved in time.

I agree with everything everyone else has posted here. I am also lonely and have set out to understand why especially when I have a husband and wonderful friends. I do have one friend I can talk to about these issues and I confide in her often as she does with me. Just last week I asked her what intimacy meant to her and, after talking for a while, I found that it meant that she and her husband were present for each other. My husband and I do not have this so I am lonely. When he gets home from work we have a routine and much of that routine is that we are present for the television and not for each other. We need to work on this.

Tears are very healthy and I am glad you are shedding them. My homework from my therapist the past few months is that I need to cry every day even if for a minute or two. It keeps everything from piling up if I cry every day. When I read your statement "I am such a damned baby" I am hearing some adults from your past telling you that you were not supposed to feel. They were wrong. They LIED. Please continue to remind your inner children that much of what was told to you was a LIE. You were taught to insult yourself because you were told over and over again that you were not worthy. Well, I am here to tell you (as well as others here will tell you) that you ARE worthy, you have a right to feel and you have a right to express your feelings any time you want.

The brain does not know the difference between you insulting you or if someone else insults you. It reacts the same way no matter what - with hurt. Please stop hurting yourself.

Take care

I just realized something about the harsh self talk that goes through my head. Even though I told my mom of the abuse by the neighbor (it was years later before I told her about my brother) she took me to psychiatrist after psychiatrist and told them she didn't know what was "wrong" with me. She said I was the "problem" child. For crap's sake she even said that to a vacuum salesman that had come to the house.
She liked the attention and the pity she got for having a mental case for a daughter. My father accused me of lying about the abuse and my mother denied it because it looked better for her to have a daughter that was defective. No wonder I tell myself on a daily basis how bad I am.

Wow, that's quite an insight. I think you can be a fierce advocate for that little girl, and when you catch yourself badmouthing her the way your parents did, you can stand right up for her. The way to undo that negative self talk is to realize you're not going to break that habit in an instant, but every time you say something bad about yourself immediately contradict it with a true (positive) statement. When you start sticking up for and advocating for that little girl inside of you, you are "both" going to be much, much happier.