CecilBGreen,

How did you win the battle last night? What did you do, think, say to yourself--or conversely, what didn't you do, say or think? Or both.

xx
SuzA

I ate. I would rather be a functioning alcoholic than be fat though. It is more socially acceptable. I know ...there is always the option of finding a healthier way to cope. I feel stuck, trapped, frozen. I am scared it won't end this time. I can't move from my chair. Nothing gets done and then i feel worse. There are positive things I could do but I seem to be unable to get to the place where I can do even the smallest thing. I am so scared, angry and frustrated.

We all have a crutch...unfortunately. And we all need to learn to live without the crutch. Even healthy ones, like exercise can be a crutch that is good for you physically, but just another way to keep from dealing with your mental/emotional problems.

I'm with you...food is my vice unfortunately. I don't have any words of advice for you, as I fall prey to the same urges. Just know that I'm thinking of you and here for you if you need to talk

I feel for you. Sometimes nothing helps, but maybe you can watch something stupid and funny on Netflix streaming or tv or dvd. Otherwise,you could try a nice, trashy novel or plummy English book or crime novel - something absorbing but without any emotional resonance. Of course, if it was me, I'd be eating at the same time .... but you could try something with lots of munching and not too many calories, like raw carrots. Or popcorn without butter - it tastes pretty good with salt and isn't too high calorie.

CecilBGreen,

Can you write with your non-dominant hand to find out what your feelings of being stuck, trapped, and frozen are about? Or do you already know.

If you know, what are they...if you want to share.

xx
SuzA

DonnaW,
All good suggestions and things that I have tried in the past. Sometimes they have been successful, at other times not so much. Making healthy food choices is a no brainer. That being said i have a long history of food issues. During the sexual abuse years I began eating until I vomited. It was not bulimia (that came years later) it was literally eating until I vomited. In my late teens through my 20's I had strict food rules for during the week then would binge and purge on Saturday....or was if Friday??? My relationship with food has been fucked up since I was 8 or 9.

Which leads to SuzA's question. I think I feel trapped within myself. There is so much I want to do and am hampered by my weight. There is so much I am afraid of that my weight keeps me safe from. What if I discover that all my issues don't stem from my body? What if they do?

Tell me more about writing with my non dominant hand. This is new to me....it sounds interesting.

Chemguy,
Thank you. It is nice to know i am not alone. I judge myself so harshly so it is a wonderful thing to find someone who understands.

I think that someone within me decided that if I were fat, I'd be safe. I made myself safe up to 320 pounds at one point.

I have other health problems as well...
In 2010 my then allergist suggested stomach stapling...This shook me up to the point that I was able to lose the weight without the surgery.
...However, 30 pounds crept back on because the last year has sucked. I do eat for emotional reasons.
I am fighting to take the 30 pounds back off.
The diet I use is kind of weird-a milder version of intermittent fasting. Not sure if it's good for everyone, but in the pair of small studies done, Intermittent Fasting reduced asthma symptoms.

Well if it helps to know you're not alone, food is my sedative and fat is my protection. All my life just about. I am so scared of male attention. You'd think I would feel safe at my age - not too much male attention coming my way - but inside I feel like I'm 13. Anyway, you sure as hell aren't alone. In fact, as I was typing those healthy food ideas I was thinking "Hey, I oughta follow my own advice!" I also wonder whether fatness isn't a way of perpetuating my shame.

How are you doing now, by the way?

I'm doing ok. Been cleaning, window shopping on ebay. Ate a pancake. Wondering how bad it will be if I drink a vanilla porter after eating a pancake......
Thinking about making roasted brussel sprouts and wondering how bad the combo of sprouts, beer and a pancake will be.

Every time I have been thin i act out sexually so being fluffy/fat keeps me from doing that I am pushing 50 so you would think I would have no worries in that area but ...not to sound braggy but I'm not bad for almost 50 plus I know how much I can misbehave then regret it....

CecilBGreen,

Trapped by your weight? Or trapped by your experience and beliefs about societies response to weight? That response is slowly changing. (If I could, I would underline the word slowly).

The bottom line, however, is that we can become aware of how the beliefs of others or of society impact us and dictate our behavior or we can free ourselves from their judgment which happens as we work on our healing.

Writing with the non-dominant hand helps your brain integrate its two hemispheres, the left (logic) and right (creative) which, in turn, may benefit overall processing.

David Casasanto, Ph.D. in brain and cognitive sciences has done research that suggests the hand we favor may direct our thinking in many ways.

I was recently asked to write down my vision for a piece I was writing. I sat at my desk for a long time trying to write something that was little more than a vague idea in my head.

Finally, I realized that my mind felt too tired to create a logical piece of work so I let my imagination do the work.

I'm left-handed by nature so switched my pen to my right hand. It was slow and tedious work--it took me four hours--but what came up was a fairy tale that told me--at the end--what my vision was.

I've also used non-dominant hand to talk to my inner child. I'd let my adult self talk by writing with my left hand and then switch to my non-dominant right hand and write to let my little child speak.

You may find this writing method helpful, particularly when you're feeling stuck.

xx
SuzA

I can see the struggle and relate to food and holding a weight to have the worlds perception leave you alone. I did the guys version of this. I am not over sexual when I am trim and mean looking but I crave human connection with the opposite sex. After my relationship of a few years terminated because she crossed a line with dragging my daughters into a disagreement and hurt them with her words and threats of ending her relationship to me to scare and hurt them to hurt me. Despite after this mistake and how much I loved her I had to terminate the relationship.

It was very hard and my flesh missed her presence and interconnections but I knew this pull was going to be a battle. So I used my body to sever this connection by getting heavy to turn her off and also place me in a discomfort in myself to make it more so of not an option.

I shared this because I wanted you to know your not so different controlling your weight or lack their off in some people's opinion to help you steer from things you don't want for yourself.

However this can only be a temporary tool we owe our self a healthy and complete body. There is balance and restoration you still have not claimed for you and I encourage you to reclaim this. You can have a healthy body and respect, love, and learn to also trust yourself to not repeat the cycle.

Best advice is look your self in the mirror. Look at her and what are the things you see that she needs to fix not with her appearance but on the other side of them eyes peering into your soul.

You have to find your best friend here, someone you love, someone you respect, someone you proud of, and someone when the chips fall and it's time to have your back you trust with out a doubt that this person looking back at you has your back and will not fail you......

That's the best friend who you must reconnect with You and work at building all of these feelings.

Wish you much peace.

"... look your self in the mirror. Look at her and what are the things you see that she needs to fix not with her appearance but on the other side of them eyes peering into your soul.

You have to find your best friend here, someone you love, someone you respect, someone you proud of, and someone when the chips fall and it's time to have your back you trust with out a doubt that this person looking back at you has your back and will not fail you......

That's the best friend who you must reconnect with You and work at building all of these feelings. "

Awesome advice, Blackmox. Something to aspire to.